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12+ Violence

The States

by HetalianLover


A boy, who looked no older than 16, sat on a window sill of an old house, looking out behind the old home. The teen had bright blonde hair and a scar running from his neck up to his cheek. He wore a blue hoodie with the number 34 in black on the back. He looked content looking at the fields of flowing grass behind the house. A rotting barn sat to the right of the old field, giving little shade to the grass being scorched by the hot afternoon sun. Ethan's small smile faded. He sighed, his other house, a mansion given to him for good reason, sat miles away, collecting dust like an old trinket. He didn't care for the mansion, in fact, he hated it. It wasn't because it was too big or its color was wrong, it just didn't suit him. The state had given him the mansion because he was, well, the personification of their state! Though, that was the exact opposite of what he wanted. A big flashy mansion, attention, media, paparazzi in his face. Ok, maybe not that much attention would come to him, but he still didn't need the media to constantly bug him. For a moment he closed his eyes, he imagined his sister, Natalia, she had gotten a mansion from state too, but she was constantly bugged by media until she decided to move to a small bit of farm land. Granted, she stayed in the state but she never went to the old mansion and told the state they could take it back. He did the same but decided to cut out the middle man and never used the mansion. Soon he would have to call them and tell the to keep it. His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp ring. He quickly got to his feet and went to the home phone on the receiver. He picked the phone up by the second ring and pressed the phone to his ear. "Hello?" "Ethan, we have an emergency meeting in a day. Dad called us to D.C.'s meeting center." A voice he recognized as his brother Danny. "OK, do you and Kota need a ride? I can use the jet." He asked, his voice was a little scratchy from not very much use but Denny didn't seem to notice or care. "Actually that would be great. Kota and me are going to meet in Pierre, could you pick us up in a bit?" Ethan reached in his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper  and wrote down something quickly before saying to Danny he would be there in a bit. He hung up and put the phone back on the receiver. He shook his head and started packing up a few things for his trip like clothes, his laptop, a pillow for his cat, three books, and some headphones. After he packed up his bag he grabbed his keys and headed out he door. 

Ethan drove for maybe ten minutes when he finally got to the airport. It was a nice place on a summer day, a bar and grill just to the left of the runway opened it's garage doors to let the air in while a sprinkler system gently misted guests. The runway was pretty quiet so he decided to quickly grab a bite to eat before he left. He stopped his car in the small parking lot and got out. He pulled his bag and cat kennel out of the back and started towards the door of the bar and grill. As soon as he opened the door someone shouted, "Hey! Look its Ethan!" He felt his face burn so he looked down at the ground. A swarm of people came over to him and some asked his if something was wrong. He politely said no and told them he was just getting a bite before he left.


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298 Reviews


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Wed Dec 30, 2015 8:35 pm
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Greetings! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!

This is actually really good. You've offered good, nay, great background on your character that can really pull a reader in. I give you a salute for that. (Salutes)
However, the only thorn in your story is that you could seriously use paragraphing. It gets really distracting without it and it is absolutely necessary. Without paragraphing, your story is really disorganized and hard to read, especially on this web format. You should probably look up the rules of paragraphing and dialogue (I encourage dialogue the most) here or on Google or something like that. But here on YWS, we've got some pretty good guides for stuff like that, so having a look around for that and other articles to improve your writing does everyone good.

Spoiler! :
This is what it should look a bit like with paragraphing:

A boy, who looked no older than 16, sat on a window sill of an old house, looking out behind the old home. The teen had bright blonde hair and a scar running from his neck up to his cheek. He wore a blue hoodie with the number 34 in black on the back. He looked content looking at the fields of flowing grass behind the house. A rotting barn sat to the right of the old field, giving little shade to the grass being scorched by the hot afternoon sun.

Ethan's small smile faded. He sighed, his other house, a mansion given to him for good reason, sat miles away, collecting dust like an old trinket. He didn't care for the mansion, in fact, he hated it. It wasn't because it was too big or its color was wrong, it just didn't suit him. The state had given him the mansion because he was, well, the personification of their state! Though, that was the exact opposite of what he wanted. A big flashy mansion, attention, media, paparazzi in his face. Ok, maybe not that much attention would come to him, but he still didn't need the media to constantly bug him.

For a moment he closed his eyes, he imagined his sister, Natalia, she had gotten a mansion from state too, but she was constantly bugged by media until she decided to move to a small bit of farm land. Granted, she stayed in the state but she never went to the old mansion and told the state they could take it back. He did the same but decided to cut out the middle man and never used the mansion. Soon he would have to call them and tell the to keep it.

His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp ring. He quickly got to his feet and went to the home phone on the receiver. He picked the phone up by the second ring and pressed the phone to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Ethan, we have an emergency meeting in a day. Dad called us to D.C.'s meeting center." A voice he recognized as his brother Danny.

"OK, do you and Kota need a ride? I can use the jet." He asked, his voice was a little scratchy from not very much use but Denny didn't seem to notice or care.

"Actually that would be great. Kota and me are going to meet in Pierre, could you pick us up in a bit?"

Ethan reached in his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper and wrote down something quickly before saying to Danny he would be there in a bit. He hung up and put the phone back on the receiver. He shook his head and started packing up a few things for his trip like clothes, his laptop, a pillow for his cat, three books, and some headphones.

After he packed up his bag he grabbed his keys and headed out he door.

Ethan drove for maybe ten minutes when he finally got to the airport. It was a nice place on a summer day, a bar and grill just to the left of the runway opened it's garage doors to let the air in while a sprinkler system gently misted guests.

The runway was pretty quiet so he decided to quickly grab a bite to eat before he left. He stopped his car in the small parking lot and got out. He pulled his bag and cat kennel out of the back and started towards the door of the bar and grill.

As soon as he opened the door someone shouted, "Hey! Look its Ethan!"

He felt his face burn so he looked down at the ground. A swarm of people came over to him and some asked his if something was wrong. He politely said no and told them he was just getting a bite before he left.


Yet again, very well done. :) I hope to see more from you!
~Holographic Ladybug.




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Thu Dec 17, 2015 9:04 pm
alexagk01 says...



Hi, HetalianLover,
I really like the story so far. It creates a good background on the main character. I really like reading stories like this. I really like for you to continue writing for this story this is leaving me with great suspense. Another thing I enjoy is that you described this character really well. When I read most stories they describe the character too much or not enough. One last thought what was the scar from?




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Points: 380
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Thu Dec 17, 2015 9:03 pm
alexagk01 wrote a review...



Hi, HetalianLover,
I really like the story so far. It creates a good background on the main character. I really like reading stories like this. I really like for you to continue writing for this story this is leaving me with great suspense. Another thing I enjoy is that you described this character really well. When I read most stories they describe the character too much or not enough. One last thought what was the scar from?




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Thu Dec 17, 2015 1:24 am
HetalianLover says...



Not my first story but nice comments are appreciated!





"What is a poet? An unhappy person who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music."
— Søren Kierkegaard, Philosopher & Theologian