“Hey babe.” Her boyfriend, Damien, entered their studio apartment at the exact same time as every night, 10:47 pm. Celeste lay on her bed that rests in the corner of her studio apartment. The room is cramped with school work on the kitchen table, clothes scattered on the floor, a dusty tv in front of the bed, and old furniture that fills the room. Her body rested on her puffy comforter as she chewed down popcorn while watching The Devil Wears Prada. She laughed so much during the movie that every ten minutes or so she choked on pieces of popcorn.“Hi baby.” She said still looking at the screen. He looked at the screen and then back at her with his eyebrow raised. “The Devil Wears Prada again.” He complained. “The boss is a genius.” She pointed defensively at the lady on the screen. “More like a controlling psychopath.” He replied. She rolled her eyes.
“Whatever, how was your day?” As soon as he opened his mouth to answer, she put her hand up to stop him. “Hold on let me guess, you have a stack of homework taller than Lebron James, you’re upset because you got a B on a test, and you just added more hours for your inturning job at the hospital.” She waited patiently for him to confirm she was right. He looked down and sighed. “Yeah.” He muttered. She fell back on her pillows. “Why would it be any different.” He ruffled his dark hair, moving over to sit at his desk. “You’re really going to start now, there’s still an hour left of the movie, you should come watch with me.” She whined while patting a spot next to her.
“I need too.” He responded, while he pulled his laptop out of his backpack. Celeste was tired of his schedule. She wished he’d drop his act, and spend some time with her. She got up from her bed, walked up behind him, and crossed her arms around his neck. “Do you want to play a little.” She whispered in his ear, nuzzling her nose against his cheek. He merely shrugged. “Not really, I’ll play Black Ops another day.” She frowned and let go of him. “That’s exactly what I meant.” She muttered to herself. She walked over to the fridge to grab a drink.
“You know it’s a scientific fact that if you don’t have sex with your girlfriend for over 2 months your dick will explode.” She yelled from the kitchen. “Hmmm.” He grunted. She closed the fridge, and noticed the magnet for Carl’s Chicken Stew, his favorite restaurant. She ran over to him, and spun his chair around.“Hey, let’s go to Corals Chicken Stew.” “I’m obviously busy.” He answered annoyed. She grabbed his hands to pull him closer to her. “Come on, you said yourself they have the best stew in the world.” She edged on. He slid his hands away from hers, sat back in his chair, and swerved back to his laptop. “I’m not hungry, why don’t you just go alone.” She stook a step back, shocked by his anger. “Because I want to go with you stupid.” He jumped back up to face her, looking just as annoyed as her. “They you’ll have to wait until I finish.”She shoved his shoulder.
“Finished with what you’re homework, or being a complete asshole.” He rubs his hands across his flustered face then grabs her hands gently.“Honey, I need to work.” He groaned. “Work on want? A dumb career that you don’t even want.” She screamed, retreating her hands from his grasp. “I do want it.” He retaliated. “No you don’t, since when has being a doctor ever interested you, because the Damien I know loves to write, and sing, and paint, not stick needles into fat guys with high cholesterol.” His nostrils flared like an angry bull about to charge. “That was when I was a child.” She laughed like she was high. “Oh, I’m glad I now know that becoming an adult means you have to give up your dreams.”
“Stop.” He yelled putting up his hand. When Damien puts his hand up it means he’s now on the edge, but this time Celeste wasn’t afraid of that because she’s about ready to push him off. She slaps his hand away. “I’m not gonna stop because I want Damien back? You used to be full of love and joy, you used to love expressing yourself to the world, now you’re either in class, or interning at the hospital, or here killing yourself over all this shit you don’t even care about.” His expression softened. “Do you care about anything anymore, or have turned into a robot.” “I care about you.” He whispered, looking straight into garden green eyes. “What?” She squinted her eyes in confusion. He stayed quiet. She was a little shocked by that, but quickly became defensive.
“Are you sure, because it’s been awhile since you’ve hugged me, since you’ve given me a kiss that lasted more than a second, and when was the last time you told me you loved me because I sure can’t remember that.” Her hands started to tremble, and tears began to escape from her eyes. Damien stood still, he seemed a little afraid. Celeste waited for him to respond as she wiped her tears with the collar of her shirt. He stared at the ground with no expression. After a few moments he came out of his trance, and hugged her so tight her boobs turned flat. It took her a couple moments to realize this was actually happening then she squeezed him back. “I’m sorry.” His voice shook.
“It’s okay.” He stepped back, and she saw tears flood down his face. “I just don’t know what to do.” He whimpered, struggling to keep his voice strong. “Do what you love, and me on occasion.” She laughed at the last part. “You know how my parents feel about all that stuff.” “Since when have you ever cared about any of that?” He shook his head. “Things have been different ever since my dad passed away. My mom has no one else but me so I need to make sure I don’t disappoint her.” She lifted his head to meet her eyes with his.
“You have to dream before you do, now you can, make something out of yourself with the dreams you already have don’t start over”. Damien grinned, and it seemed as if all the pain and stress were washed out by that small smile. He pulled her into him, and they spent long moments kissing like they were in high school again. Moments later they finally pulled apart, and shared small laughs. “What would I do without you?” Damien asked. “That’s exactly why I never left.” Their giggles harmonized. After kissing for couple hours, they went to Carl’s Chicken Stew.
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Nice story. I don't know if this will be an overly helpful review, but I thought I'd share my thoughts anyway. I really enjoyed the way you inserted certain aspects of everyday life into the story such as
'The Devil Wears Prada' and 'Carl's Chicken Stew'.
Though some would argue that these take away from the emotion felt between the two, I believe it heightens the sense of reality you are pushing. We all know that when we are feeling angry or upset, we often turn to TV shows, or the internet *chuckles*, or food *chuckles again*. This is very important when trying to write scenes such as these. Try to connect to the reader in some way by writing about situations they can relate to that may have occured in their life.
Well done.
This is my first real review, so please forgive me if it comes off too short or harsh!
To start off, grammatical issues. Typically, each time a new piece of dialogue is written, it starts a new paragraph. This prevents the reader from being confused to who is speaking. Also, you do punctuate dialogue, but before the tag line (ex. he said.) you're supposed to end with a comma, unless there is no tag line. Just one other thing about the dialogue: words used should be spelled correctly unless you are obviously trying to portray slang or a certain accent/dialect. Also, at some points it seemed like you were changing the tense your story was written in, which was very confusing.
Examples of the above in your story:
1. “Do what you love, and me on occasion.” She laughed at the last part. “You know how my parents feel about all that stuff.” “Since when have you ever cared about any of that?”
2. “I just don’t know what to do.” He whimpered, struggling to keep his voice strong.
3. “Work on want? A dumb career that you don’t even want.” or "...you just added more hours for your inturning job at the hospital.”
There were a couple things that aren't strictly errors, but bothered me personally. I felt like you used a lot of unnecessary specifics, like Carl's Chicken Stew or 'The Devil Wears Prada'. These distracted from what could've been a very deep story, and made it feel shallow. I felt like you were using them as fillers to cover up what seemed like a lack of wordage and storyline. A story can be striking and meaningful without length, but the few words used need to have a purpose and draw the reader's attention to the story, not away from it.
Secondly, I really didn't get a clear view of Damien's personality. One second he's defensive and harsh, the next he's crying, without real explanation for either. His character had a lot of details that you could've expanded to give him more of presence, like if he were to describe his day at work, or talk more about how the death of his father has affected his life. Celeste, on the other hand, came off as distinctly immature and selfish. It seems as if she doesn't have any understanding of the actual complexity and difficulty of what she's asking her boyfriend to do with his career. I felt she was more concerned about their relationship, and just chose to pick a fight about the first thing she saw to have an excuse to bring her real concerns up. It might've been your intention for her to come off like this, but I found her to be an unlikable character.
Like the other reviewers, there never really was a solution to the conflict. The only improvement I saw was the fight ending, but the underlying issue that they were fighting about, his career, was completely ignored. There was some resolution in their relationship, but there wasn't enough backstory for the reader to feel any success in that. Plus, the fight was short lived, so the relationship never really felt like it was at stake.
Lastly, just some personal feelings/recommendations. I think this story could've been infinitely more interesting from Damien's point of view. He obviously is the more complex character, who has to do the most thinking here if there is resolution with the career issue, or even maybe coming to terms with the death of his father. Also, the phrase "hugged her so tight her boobs turned flat" ruined the mood of a part that's supposed to be emotional and romantic for me. This makes me think you wanted to add a comedic edge to the piece, but it was just put in in such a way that was off-putting.
Overall, this story has so much potential to be thought-provoking and emotional, and maybe even funny, but was poorly executed. If a full plot was clear, and the words and/or length were improved upon, It could be a story that I would enjoy greatly.
Again, I'm sorry if this came off wrong! I admire your bravery for posting this in a public forum knowing how cruel people can be. Thank you for letting me express my opinions and use your piece to improve upon my critiquing skills, and I hope, in turn, my review can help you. I'd also like to apologize if I made any grammatical errors myself. Feel free to review one of my pieces! Keep writing!
-ZSM
Hey Hermela! Stella here to review!
So the first thing that will grab any reviewer's attention is the way your dialogue is punctuated because, to be brutally honest, it's all wrong!
But that's okay! You can fix it!
That there is an article by our very own Demeter, with a really useful guide to how to punctuate dialogue. Read the article, and then go find your favourite book and read some of the dialogue inside. You'll see how the system works, and it's the kind of thing that once you learn, you don't forget it! It's also a really good trick for making your work seem instantly more polished and professional. Not knowing how to punctuate dialogue is an immediate marker of an amateur. And don't tell me you don't think grammar is important, because it is. It's there to make us understand stories better, and if you don't have respect for grammar, you may as well quit now
Anyway, other than that, I'm going to have to agree with Ida below me that I didn't really understand how their conflict got resolved! We can see that Celeste is upset with Damien because he hasn't been paying attention to her - okay, solid point, Celeste! And I'm glad she's confronting him about it. But then in the end, there isn't really much of a resolution. Damien says some whimsically inspirational things, they make out and... that's it? That's all that happens? Come on, Celeste, I know you're better than that!
You need to ask yourself: what is the resolution here? What has changed in the long term? Because if nothing has changed, if this is a routine they enact every couple of months, why bother telling the story? Every story needs a beginning, middle and end, and it's the ending here that you're lacking. It just doesn't seem convincing, and I think that that's the biggest flaw currently in the story.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hey there
,
This is an interesting piece, I liked the little details you added to make the characters unique. That being said, the story probably could stand to have a little more of that uniqueness in it. It didn't really have any "attention-grabber" (not to echo high-school English teachers everywhere or anything lol) to really catch the reader's attention and keep it throughout the rest of the piece. Maybe some kind of twist to make the ending less predictable would be a good idea?
Back to the characters, they were charming, and there was some good development with them, but it'd be cool to learn more about them, and I understand that maybe the goal of the piece was more of a fluffy little oneshot, but it's always fun to get a look into the heads of the people we're reading about, just see a little of what makes them act the way they do, you know? Like, you told us why Damien is so driven, but it'd be cool also to know what makes Celeste so free-spirited and fun-loving. Just an idea
Also, just a few nitpicky things. There were some spots that needed commas but didn't have them or had a period or something instead of a comma. For example >>((“I just don’t know what to do.” He whimpered, struggling to keep his voice strong.)) should be ((“I just don’t know what to do,” he whimpered, struggling to keep his voice strong.)) As well as the comma thing, everytime a new character is speaking you would usually make that a new paragraph, otherwise it gets hard to follow.
((“Stop.” He yelled putting up his hand. When Damien puts his hand up it means he’s now on the edge, but this time Celeste wasn’t afraid of that because she’s about ready to push him off. She slaps his hand away. “I’m not gonna stop because I want Damien back? You used to be full of love and joy, you used to love expressing yourself to the world, now you’re either in class, or interning at the hospital, or here killing yourself over all this shit you don’t even care about.” His expression softened. “Do you care about anything anymore, or have turned into a robot.” “I care about you.” He whispered, looking straight into garden green eyes. “What?” She squinted her eyes in confusion. He stayed quiet. She was a little shocked by that, but quickly became defensive.)) <<this paragraph was really pretty confusing. I had trouble figuring out who was talking, so starting a new paragraph whenever someone is talking would fix that easily and the piece would just look a lot more organized in general.
Other than that stuff, I thought maybe their conflict was resolved maybe a little too easily. It seemed like you set up some pretty serious problems in their relationship, and then they were completely resolved with an "I'm sorry." It might've been a little cool, though it probably would've changed the tone of the whole thing pretty drastically, if you ended it with something like "...and things were great for a while, like they always were, but eventually Damien grew distant again. So the cycle continued on..." you know? Just so that you aren't writing off their problems that you already spent so much time developing with a little apology.
Anyway, an entertaining read. Keep writing!