This home.

by Hereitstarts

Drop. Drop. Drop.

The endless cycle begins again.

I rustle in the sheets as always.

The sound not disturbing my sleep,

but it is there,

I suppose soon this place will be flooded.

Yet I cannot deny it's volume tis twice that of the last,

or from what I can see that is.

However, the leak of this one seems two times the speed.

Who can really tell with eyes closed?

Maybe this one can be patched up before real damage is made.

I stare at the chest of the one I love,

my heart aches as I see that chest fall, in fear that it may not rise again.

I cannot tell,

Is this bad or good?

A sign of wholesome love?

Or fear holding onto me once more?

Caressing me, his fingers soft and icy.

Whispering in my ear

"Do you hear that?"

Drop. Drop. Drop.

If I leave, I will no longer be able to see or hear the leak,

Does that not mean it has stopped?

I certainly believe so.

It is time for fear and I to alope.

Comments

Points: 113
Reviews: 24

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Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:06 pm

RossLighting wrote a review...

This was amazing. Well written, with good use of onomatopoeia(I think please correct me if i'm wrong, hopefully not). I liked the sentence: The endless cycle begins again. For me, that shows that the dripping will always continue, which sounds very poetic. I hope you will keep writing these amazing poems and enjoy writing them.

As I said, keep writing!

-Ross

Points: 6141
Reviews: 499

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Tue Feb 07, 2017 4:24 am

Que wrote a review...

Hello HereItStarts! I guess I'll be starting here.

Okay, as I was reading through this, it seemed a little abstract. You have some good imagery, but I'm not sure what point you're trying to make with all of this. Definitely the leak is a strong focus point, but what does it represent? You call the piece "This Home", but I'm not sure how that fits in either.

Drop. Drop. Drop.
The endless cycle begins again.
I rustle in the sheets as always.
The sound not disturbing my sleep,
but it is there,
I suppose soon this place will be flooded.

You're using the word drop to indicate a sound, yet you say that it doesn't disturb the narrator's sleep. You also go on to talk about it more, so it clearly is disturbing the narrator's sleep- if not the sound itself, at least the thoughts associated with it. Maybe you could make that a little clearer. Also, the last line piques my curiousity- what will it be flooded with? The narrator doesn't sound concerned at all, as he or she is merely supposing and not bothering to stop the dripping at all.

I cannot deny it's volume tis twice that of the last,
or from what I can see that is.
However, the leak of this one seems two times the speed.
Who can really tell with eyes closed?
Maybe this one can be patched up before real damage is made.

First of all, it's does not need an apostrophe, and tis might make more sense as is. I'm the third like, I don't think "however" first well- you're saying the flood has twice as much volume, as well as twice the speed. (And you might want to use twice in that second but rather than two times, to make the comparison more clear through repetition) Two times the speed and two times the volume are similar things. As you're comparing rather than contrasting, you would use something like "and" "not to mention that"- anything that connects the two really. "However" separates them. And here again, the narrator is suggesting that the leak could be patched, but he or she is not being active about it. Is this because he or she doesn't really want it to stop? You might want to make it a bit clearer what the leak is representing because I'm rather lost.

I stare at the chest of the one I love,
my heart aches as I see that chest fall, in fear that it may not rise again.
I cannot tell,
Is this bad or good?
A sign of wholesome love?
Or fear holding onto me once more?
Caressing me, his fingers soft and icy.

While I like this, it seems to be completely different from the leak you've just been talking about. I think they may be connected- if you intended them to be connected, you might want to make that a bit stronger, as I can't see how they would be connected. I like your phrasing and imagery here, I'm just not sure how it fits into the whole, or what exactly the whole is.

Whispering in my ear
"Do you hear that?"
Drop. Drop. Drop.
If I leave, I will no longer be able to see or hear the leak,
Does that not mean it has stopped?
I certainly believe so.
It is time for fear and I to alope.

I feel like this would be clearer if we knew exactly what the leak was- his or her love? And in the last line, I feel like you meant "elope" as that last word. And when you say that fear is leaving too, do you mean to say that although the the narrator tries to get away, fear stays with him or her? I feel like that could be a powerful ending, but it's a bit muddled.

Very nice poem! Again, I like all of your words and language and imagery, I'm just a little confused and think you could present it in a bit of a clearer way. This is a pretty good start! I know you have a point or theme in there somewhere- you know it, just make sure the readers do too!

-Falco

Hereitstarts says...

Thanks so much for taking the time to even read the peice let alone leave a review, I do see where the metaphor for the leak is being lost and whether it is physical or mental is up to the reader, the leak represents the fighting or holes that have come up in the narrators relationship, "this home" being symbolic for that, the volume of the home is bigger than her last, so that the love that is in this relationship is much bigger, but the holes in the relationship seem to be worse as well, the narrator is so in love and is afraid to lose it all in this love due to the 'flooding" she simply find it easier to run away, I do appreciate all your critique and will work on finding a away to hone in on the metaphor I am trying to create. Thanks so much!!!!

Que says...

I knew you had it in there. c: That makes a lot more sense! The only trick will be weaving it in there so it's more obvious, but doesn't jump out immediately. I'm sure you can handle it though! Good luck with it, and once again great poem. ^_^

Hereitstarts says...

I'll try my best, thanks so much!! It's one of my first poems so I'm still getting the hang of it :,)

Points: 575
Reviews: 193

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Tue Feb 07, 2017 1:22 am

herbgirl wrote a review...

Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
To begin, i'd like to say i admire how abstract this is. Due to this factor it was hard to understand at times, but for the most part i felt it compelling. You had me wondering what was going on in the physical world, although i could understand the narrator's emotions really well, which i thought was impressive. i also liked the ending a lot. The last line has a bit of a bite to it, it's a little suspenseful, but still seems to tie up the story pretty well (although, quick edit, you should spell "elope" with an "e" not an "a"). However, i do still have a few suggestions for you.
First, while i liked how abstract you were, i felt at times your writing style confused the message you were trying to transmit. For example,

Drop. Drop. Drop.

The endless cycle begins again.

I rustle in the sheets as always.

The sound not disturbing my sleep,

but it is there,

I suppose soon this place will be flooded.

Yet I cannot deny it's volume tis twice that of the last,

or from what I can see that is.

This part in particular seemed a little all over the place. i think i can follow your train of thought for the most part, but i felt it was difficult to read and a little confusing. Perhaps be a little bit more clear about what is dripping. Is it a metaphor? Is it a literal sound that is being heard? Is it both? Another thing you could improve on here is transitions. When you move from thought to thought, for example, from saying that the sound does not disturb the narrator, to saying the "place will soon be flooded". A good thing to do here, i think would be to adjust the punctuation, i suggest using period instead of a comma after saying "but it is there". This is not the only way to improve transitions, though, you can also insert words that indicate the passage of time or the change of ideas, words like "then", "when", "however", "also", etc.

However, the leak of this one seems two times the speed.

Who can really tell with eyes closed?

Maybe this one can be patched up before real damage is made.

This part makes the audience begin to believe the leak is more metaphorical, but it is still unclear as to what the leak is. i don't feel that this is ever cleared up within the poem, which makes the poem a little hard to understand. i suggest going back through and adding a few more little hints as to what exactly is leaking. Very subtle little statements, nothing too clear, keep it in the abstract. Another thing that would be good to clarify here and throughout the poem is the nature of the narrator's relationship with their lover. Is this purely sexual? Does this relationship have much significance for the narrator? Or is it just another stop on a long string of relationships?
As for the rest of the poem, i felt it was more linear than these first few lines, and i quite liked them. However, i would like to see a few more references to the leak and dripping water in there. i think it would help pull the poem fully together.
Anyways, sorry if any of that seemed harsh! i really like what you have here, just put a little nit more time into it and i think you have a wonderful piece! Keep up the good work, and i look forward to reading more work from you soon!
herbgirl

Hereitstarts says...

Thanks so much for the review!!! The criticisms will help alot, if you look at my comment in the above review should clear up what I was trying to get at :,)

Young Writers Society

This home.

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