If it wouldn’t have marred her beautifully crafted profile of achievements, Lilly Kilpar would have killed her. She’d enjoy it, too. That Iris Patel was by far the cruelest, strangest, annoyingly blase little pest she had ever met. It seemed Iris was effortlessly good at everything, but just when she wanted to be. She was the kind of person who would be gifted a unicorn and trade it for a spider. The kind of person who won awards and didn’t show up for the ceremonies. So with the end of season gala right around the corner, naturally Iris had to ruin everything.
Caught red handed in what used to be a perfectly good and prettily neat ballroom, Iris stood in the huge pile of dirt, dead leaves, and general mess. What had once been an exquisitely detailed and polished floor, where every step you took was onto another wholly unique and entirely unknown flower, was now an average woefully neglected garden, to put it in the absolute nicest way possible. The formerly purposefully designed walls, which gave the entire room the sense that one was in the deepest, safest part of the forest, were besmirched by ugly and unnatural disorder. What was formerly an empty and elegant display, was now a menace standing with a speck of the cooks’ prized lavender desserts on her face, the one and only Iris Patel. Knowing her, Lilly presumed the speck, like the rest of the mess, had been purposeful rather than an accidental miss. She just smiled, without a hint of mischievousness or insincerity, bright eyes heavy with the sadness of apology and puppy-like guilt, and said “I should’ve known! ‘Heed my warning, or find yourself surrounded by dirt.’”
It was the moral of a horrible piece of folklore that was somehow essential to their education, about a wretch of a man doing awful things until he died. The moral was actually meant to be about suffering consequences, but Iris had made it quite literal. It was a clever reference, perfectly spoken in the ancient tongue. Charmed, disgustingly enchanted, everyone suddenly managed to find a delightful sense of humor. They exited stage right without questions from Iris’s little performance, exactly as Lilly was sure she had scripted.
Sometimes Lilly felt like the only legitimate princess. She told Iris as much, too startled and well postured to resort to further name calling.
Grove, like all the lands of Here, had many advisors and officials, but was chiefly governed by a chosen descendent of a particularly accomplished family. It all seemed perfectly sensible to Lilly, if you wanted to be Queen, you had to undergo the childhood training of a Princess. She could almost understand her less ambitious siblings, as the children of a King and Queen they would have a good life even if they weren’t named as heir. But to be the first generation in your family to be titled, well, if she was an alternate like Iris, she certainly wouldn’t be caught dead in sweatpants with her hair like that. Iris was just a distraction, an obstacle, admittedly of an impressive magnitude, but one Lilly was sure to overcome and secure the Kilpar line.
It was true that she put a lot of pressure on herself, but why shouldn’t she? To be a princess was an honor, a burden, and a responsibility. She had been born with the most wonderful of opportunities. For whatever reason, the people had decided that her family was worthy, and she needed to be exceptional. Grove deserved for their monarchs in training to take it seriously.
Admittedly, she had been angry at Iris before her little stunt in the ballroom. As a bit of camaraderie she allowed herself to partner with Iris during a lesson. They were supposed to come up with a plan of action and public statement about the recent disappearance of one imaginary Bluebell McPherson, but Iris would just not take it seriously.
“I had a cousin named Bluebell. He had a huge head and tiny hair, but it worked well enough for him.”
Lilly ignored her lackluster involvement and tried again to get her to honestly engage. After another pause of obvious distraction, Iris gave her a bite of satisfaction.
“What does it even matter? We never find them.” She said this without despair, and if Lilly had blinked she would’ve missed the infinitesimal forlorn, but she took in the hint of sincerity like a long breath that comes with emerging from water. Despite all of her faults, Lilly was fascinated by her.
“It seems like you’ve got this covered. I have to talk to the stylist in the ballroom. It may come as a surprise, but I am so not prepared for this week. And that’s more important, right?”
At least Lilly was prepared for the next week. Reassuring herself of that, she took a breath and relaxed into a smile. The morning had been stressful, but now she could afford a respite in her favorite place, her room.
As the oldest, she often had first claim to things, but this room was a ludicrous example of her privileges. Nestled and protected by the rest of the palace, cocooned in a magnificent chrysalis, it stood as a sanctuary from the expectations and anxieties, filled with everything she needed or wanted. The bed of soft petals was divinely plush, the lofted library its own world, and she couldn’t imagine living without the line to the kitchen. There were huge arched windows lining the wall to a courtyard view, with balconies she could use to access some of her siblings’ rooms. But the room itself was the true marvel, and standing in it caused the rest to seem a frivolous afterthought. The room was alive and alight in color and greenery. To call it overgrown would be an insult to its very being; its growth was perfectly harmonized with the space. One could see just from the way the lights hung on the vines and branches it was at times difficult to distinguish between the start of something built and the end of something living. What made it Lilly’s favorite place was admittedly a little embarrassing, but she loved that it was hers. This was a place which she controlled. This was her castle. She intended to keep it well.
Her siblings, Talyn and Hyacinth, apparently did not hold the same reverence for her space. Why did they always have to hover?
“What do you need, Hyacinth? Talyn, what did you do this time? I told you I’m not helping you anymore.” Lilly sighed with annoyance.
Talyn awkwardly shuffled, her long hair swaying with her movement. “Actually…”
“Actually, we have some news,” Hyacinth saved her. “Plans have changed. The gala is moved to tomorrow. They must really want us out of here. We all need to start packing for the semester.”
“Yeah, apparently all the lands are boarding the train early.”
The gala marked the end of the season, but with that change came the season in which leaves turned and the selected children boarded the train. There were plenty of times to study in Grove and many marvels to explore, but part of their education, about a third of the year, was spent in Center City. This was concocted as a way for the lands to be more connected, as titled children of Altinore, Caverris, Caile, Maria, Skies, and Grove would all interact. Others were allowed to apply, but since the programs and space was limited, it was unfortunately competitive. It was definitely a more stressful time of the year, as everyone was scrambling for recognition and praise. Lilly loved it.
Something was amiss. Everyone was leaving prematurely. Like Hyacinth said, someone didn’t want them to be in their respective lands. It may have been nothing, but Lilly had trained herself to prepare for the worst. Her mind turned this new information over, looking for some explanation. All of the lands deciding a time together? There must be some new plan that developed, or something very unplanned that happened across all of Here. She couldn’t help but feel that it was a safety concern. The closer to the center they were, the further they were from There.
There used to be everywhere. In the beginning, the land of monsters and terror was all there was, all other living things scattered under its rule. No one knew the motivations of the creatures, just that they were desperate and powerful. There was a desert of terror, plentiful in everything except what was needed to live. Until one day, the protectors, some of the most powerful beings, had an apparent change of heart. Six of them broke rank and created the lands of Here. In Here, life and innovation flourished. For the first time, things other than fears could be imagined, and the beautiful spaces provided more than enough resources and inspiration.
Supposedly everyone respected the gifts they were given, the places they inherited, but according to the people of Grove, they were the best at it. It was difficult to say which part of that circle in the woods was Grove’s protector and founder, but Lilly knew it had to be the tree. The tree was beautiful, strong and tall, bearing over the other flora and fauna with unquestionable dignity and authority. The protector of Grove had to be what Lilly was aspiring for, a good leader.
That’s how the world had been for hundreds of years: the people of Here protected against the attacks and plots of There. Recently however, there seemed to be more and more stories of mysterious disappearances, fearful whispers overheard amongst the court.
Lilly stiffened. “I guess we’ll just have to be ready.” She wanted to say more, and it was clear that Talyn and Hyacinth were analyzing her reaction, trying to gauge how they should be feeling. She added, “It’s always exciting to see new peers and old friends.” That didn’t give them much more information.
Dissatisfied but not unexpectedly so, her siblings turned to leave through the balcony.
Hyacinth hesitated a moment, something else on his mind. He looked to Talyn, and dismissed it. He was older than her, but Talyn could be a force of chaos. “I don’t always need something, you know. Maybe I just want to talk to you sometimes.” He didn’t believe it either.
After he left, Talyn lingered. “You shouldn’t be too harsh on Iris. She’s really nice. She’s helped me a lot.”
“Yes, I’m sure she’s helped with your mischief.”
“You should give her a chance. Everyone else loves her.”
Talyn’s gaze flitted distractedly, as if Iris was an incredibly unimportant subject. There was something she was trying to hide. Most people wouldn’t have been able to see it, but Lilly made it an utmost priority to know everything going on with the other potential heirs, especially the ones that impacted her own reputation. “What did you do, Talyn? Really.”
Talyn scrunched up her nose as she spoke, trying to imitate her sister. “I thought you weren’t going to help me anymore.”
“As much as I don’t want to, I do care about when you’re in trouble.”
She thought for a minute, acting like she was trying to recall something. “Hmm, nothing I can remember. I’ve been absolutely perfect, as usual.”
Lilly crossed her arms impatiently. “Have I ever given you a reason not to tell me something?”
Talyn smiled. “Tons. Beginning with that time you told Victoria Ve I had a crush on her and ending with you telling me to just walk off my broken toe.”
“It was only the little one.”
Talyn sighed. “I’m not going to tell you if I just happened to do something others might happen to view as controversial, but there has been something, well, I guess I just need to talk this out to understand it. Clawde and I overheard something about the promise. It was in the same breath as ‘have to leave.’ We both only remember parts of it. But apparently, they got more information about it. They’re saying something about the weapons being people. That they need to prepare for the Champions.”
“Champions? Is that what the promise meant?”
The protectors rarely interacted with the people, always staying fairly distant. That was, except in the beginning, when they had spoken of many things. They promised that one day when their defenses started to slip, they would call forth weapons, a sword and a shield. No one had known what exactly it meant, or when it would happen. With the threat ever mounting, it seemed now was the time. Lilly would have never guessed by ‘weapons’ it would mean people.
“If that’s why we’re leaving early it doesn’t sound like anything for us to worry about. I’m sure we’ll learn what we need to, when we should hear it. There’s no reason to think these Champions have anything to do with us.”
Talyn laughed nervously. “Yeah, I guess we’ll hear more about it later.” She paused for an awkward silence. Then she stuttered through an, “Okay thanks bye.”
Though a strange exit, Lilly was happy to see her leave.
Lilly began packing with a new determination, sorting everything she should need, mapping out the dorm space, and getting as much luggage as possible.
She could only hope that this Champion business didn’t involve her. Lilly planned on using this year to secure her claim and become the Heir. She had managed to receive the syllabi early and had plotted out the coursework, including sick days. She knew exactly what she was going to wear, what she was going to eat, how much Iris would fail, at every possible time to be aware of such things. She had had it all figured out. But she looked up and found that she had planted her roots in the middle of the turbulent sea. Lilly gazed at her bag defeatedly, realizing there was no way to prepare for what came next.
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Hello!
This is quite a vivid chapter you've put together, and it builds tension well, beginning with Lily's annoyance at Iris, andoving into Talyn and Hyancinth's intriguing news. Speaking of which, I like how all the characters are named after flowers, and your descriptions of the flowery ballroom, and Lily's room, are splendid.
This line really put a good picture in my head:
However, moving into the description of Iris's mess in the ballroom is where my first criticism is. Basically, I'm not sure why Iris has gotten a lot of dirt and a messy overgrown garden into the ballroom? Again, your descriptions are vivid, and I am not in doubt about what is happening, but I don't understand why it is happening. From Iris' words "I should have known!" It seems clear it is a mistake, but that is all. Perhaps it is not meant to be explained, but if not you might want to put in a little explanation of some kind.
From that scene you were are taken effortlessly in your beautiful writing through some exposition, more about Lily and Iris, about Grove, and their education and general situation which is great because this is the point I am beginning to have a lot of questions, and I get enough answers to create a good picture—but not so many that I am bored. We get a good picture of who Lily is without you simply describing her personality, you weave description, with flashbacks like Lily and Iris studying togethor, and also descriptions of the (incredible) garden themed room, well, and give us concrete ideas that show us her personality like why she loves her room.
I love the names of the world/kingdom as well, the lands of Here and There sound straight out of something like Alice in Wonderland, but equally not too silly.
Here I have another small suggestion: I feel like the passage:
could be shortened, or even taken out entirely and descriptions of Grove given a bit later. It is not too jarring, and interesting enough to read, but it does seem to suddenly interrupt Lily's thoughts, with a lot of "telling" not "showing" (I guess you know the saying?). It might flow better if you cut out some bits of it, again, I don't think you have to cut out the whole thing, but it might be trimmed.
I didn't notice any grammer or spelling mistakes, and the scene with Talyn and Hyancinth did a good job of again, interspersing useful information about the world, with conversation that moved the story forward and built character. Maybe you could balance the dialogue with the exposition a bit more though, by cutting some things which we could learn later on instead. The gap between "“Yeah, apparently all the lands are boarding the train early.”" and the next line of dialogue, is quite big and takes us out of the action for a bit. Although it is also a bit of an intriguing line to pause at if you really want to keep all the other stuff in.
So overall this has been a wonderful read! Your style is beautiful, your characters feel lifelike, and the Grove seems like a place brimming (literally) with flowery life.You seem to have woven older fairy tale elements with a more modern fantasy style well.
Finally,
Very cool ending line.
Thanks for listening to my thoughts! This was written on a phone so apologise if there are some spelling mistakes.
-Myth
Hello!
This is quite a vivid chapter you've put together, and it builds tension well, beginning with Lily's annoyance at Iris, andoving into Talyn and Hyancinth's intriguing news. Speaking of which, I like how all the characters are named after flowers, and your descriptions of the flowery ballroom, and Lily's room, are splendid.
This line really put a good picture in my head:
However, moving into the description of Iris's mess in the ballroom is where my first criticism is. Basically, I'm not sure why Iris has gotten a lot of dirt and a messy overgrown garden into the ballroom? Again, your descriptions are vivid, and I am not in doubt about what is happening, but I don't understand why it is happening. From Iris' words "I should have known!" It seems clear it is a mistake, but that is all. Perhaps it is not meant to be explained, but if not you might want to put in a little explanation of some kind.
From that scene you were are taken effortlessly in your beautiful writing through some exposition, more about Lily and Iris, about Grove, and their education and general situation which is great because this is the point I am beginning to have a lot of questions, and I get enough answers to create a good picture—but not so many that I am bored. We get a good picture of who Lily is without you simply describing her personality, you weave description, with flashbacks like Lily and Iris studying togethor, and also descriptions of the (incredible) garden themed room, well, and give us concrete ideas that show us her personality like why she loves her room.
I love the names of the world/kingdom as well, the lands of Here and There sound straight out of something like Alice in Wonderland, but equally not too silly.
Here I have another small suggestion: I feel like the passage:
could be shortened, or even taken out entirely and descriptions of Grove given a bit later. It is not too jarring, and interesting enough to read, but it does seem to suddenly interrupt Lily's thoughts, with a lot of "telling" not "showing" (I guess you know the saying?). It might flow better if you cut out some bits of it, again, I don't think you have to cut out the whole thing, but it might be trimmed.
I didn't notice any grammer or spelling mistakes, and the scene with Talyn and Hyancinth did a good job of again, interspersing useful information about the world, with conversation that moved the story forward and built character. Maybe you could balance the dialogue with the exposition a bit more though, by cutting some things which we could learn later on instead. The gap between "“Yeah, apparently all the lands are boarding the train early.”" and the next line of dialogue, is quite big and takes us out of the action for a bit. Although it is also a bit of an intriguing line to pause at if you really want to keep all the other stuff in.
So overall this has been a wonderful read! Your style is beautiful, your characters feel lifelike, and the Grove seems like a place brimming (literally) with flowery life.You seem to have woven older fairy tale elements with a more modern fantasy style well.
Finally,
Very cool ending line.
Thanks for listening to my thoughts! This was written on a phone so apologise if there are some spelling mistakes.
-Myth
The writing on this is beautiful! Your descriptions are ethereal, I feel like I'm there. I love how the dialogue is written as well, it's so realistic. The worldbuilding is amazing, but at times it can be a bit confusing with the history. The transitions between scenes can make some of the plot a little bit lost. Other than that, this is beautifully written. I love the sibling dynamics here!
This story was super cool and made me feel like I was watching a really intense magical movie in my head. I loved all the drama between Lilly and Iris—Lilly is so serious and perfect all the time, and Iris is just chaotic and mysterious and weird in a fun way. The part where Iris ruined the ballroom but made everyone love her anyway was actually kind of genius, even though I would’ve been SO mad if I were Lilly.
The world they live in is amazing. I want to visit Grove and live in Lilly’s room full of vines and magic lights. I also thought the history with “Here” and “There” was really interesting, but it got a little confusing when they talked about the protectors and champions. I think that’s okay though, because it made me want to read more and find out what’s going on.
I really liked Talyn and Hyacinth too, because they acted like real siblings who are annoying but also kind of helpful. The ending made me feel like something big is about to happen and Lilly doesn’t even know it yet, which made me super excited. I think the whole thing is bananas, but in a good way—like a mix of mystery, magic, and fancy princess school problems.
I would totally read the next chapter, and I hope we find out who the Champions are and if Iris is secretly important. Also, I bet Lilly is going to freak out when she realizes her perfect plans aren’t going to work anymore.
:3