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Light steps

by Here

Light steps carried us such

Past alleys of darkened past,

Stoned where, armed in thick cloaks,

On metalled paths were shadows cast.

Softened steps shook our heart

Thundering as they echoed on road

Plunging guts, with heaving breaths;

Wisps of winter's cold, a load.

Such melancholy gripped the scene

Once a town, now torn apart.

Lest a voice was heard we whispered

Though was not a soul in sight, nor a beating heart.

We did what we sought to do—

Put to rest some broken parts.

We opened our mouths to sing a prayer

Seeking solace for lives now lost.

Had we more love to spare a care

We could have breathed with ease.

But we were mourners who pretend,

To wash guilt of few, with injustice of some upheld.

Not a word was left unspoken

Which mattered to none.

Yet we left the dead mangled

To be burnt up by the sun.

Ours was only a role to show,

Cry to dishearten, cry another lore

Who cared for such a ruined city?

We had world to dishearten, to tear them apart

For what's more powerful than a vengeful heart?

And when all was done and fine

We rested our slumped backs,

Wrapped in cloaks of haunting loss and pain

Preparing to return

Back into our lives without a sound,

Built upon bones and flesh of thousands

Such torn, cities and towns.

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16 Reviews

Points: 617
Reviews: 16

Sun Sep 15, 2019 4:47 pm
SuperOriginalName wrote a review...

Dear @Here,

This is such a great poem! I can tell how much effort you put into your work, and I appreciate that. However, this is a review, and I would love to help you improve your poetry. So, let's begin!

1) Title/Description

Even though this is a review, I can't help but point out the fact on how much this title and description drew me in. That is very good. I hate to admit it, but at times, I do judge a book from the outside. If I am not hooked in from the title, cover (which doesn't apply here) or the description on the back, then I most likely will not read it. But your poem's title and description definitely did the opposite of that.

2) Plot

The other day, my friend said that when she writes poetry, she focuses more on the grammar and punctuation than the plot. And when she writes short stories and series, she focuses on the plot more than the grammar. Which is very true in most of the poetry that I have seen.

In your poem, I'm kind of lost. I am not quite sure what is happening. I would focus more on the plot next time. Who is this? Are they at war? Is it guild? A clan, maybe? I have many questions similar to this. Of course, it is hard to do this yourself because you know exactly what theme you are trying to send, yet the reader does not.
This happens to me all the time, so don't worry. :)

3) Layout

Layout is very important, especially in poetry. The way you organize the text into different stanzas (the paragraphs or verses of a poem), really helps the reader understand what is going on. At least for me, it also helps you write the poem easier. It makes the poem look more welcoming as well, so I highly recommend it.

Overall, I think that this poem is really good other than the previous two statements. I hope all this information is useful in the future, and I hope to see more of your work being posted soon!

- @SuperOriginalName

Here says...

Thank you so much for the feedback. I will try to improve. :)

User avatar
103 Reviews

Points: 497
Reviews: 103

Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:07 am
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AmadeusW wrote a review...

Hey there! I'm not officially in RevMo but I'm here to review your work.

First: I love the way you paint a picture and tell a story while still remaining subtle in your description. It allows the reader to imagine their own versions of what you are portraying instead of overdescribing and making the vision limited.

Second: Excellent word choice. The only thing I find could maybe be looked at are those few moments where it feels like you couldn't find a way to rhyme a line with the one before it, and thus added something not quite in place in order to rhyme, for example:

"Thundering as they echoed on road

Plunging guts, with heaving breaths;

Wisps of winter's cold, a load."

In the way I read it, using "A load" didn't seem to fit and felt like a desperate attempt to rhyme, but there is the possibility that I misunderstood something about why you put that phrase in. Do with that what you will.

Third: Even though I, personally, did not mind there being no paragraph breaks, it might still be worth your while to consider adding them.

Really great job here.

Here says...

Thank you for the feedback. ^_^

User avatar
407 Reviews

Points: 3882
Reviews: 407

Thu Sep 12, 2019 10:21 pm
Liberty wrote a review...

Hi Here!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review for RevMo! Let's get started, now, shall we? Alright.

(I'm not the best at reviewing poems, so here goes nothing)

It rhymes in a very melodious. Like, lyrical, kinda, ya know? Some sort of song, hehe. And your wording -- woah -- is like, wow. You've used very interesting words like "vengeful", "plunging", "seeking solace", etc. It's very lovely.

The emotion behind this poem is fascinating. You make us feel everything that you have written here. The grammar, spelling, and everything is top-notch, and I adore it! I honestly did not see anything to critique, so a pat on the back from me! :smt023

I'm done with my review, and I hope this helped. I can't wait to see more from you soon. Of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever!

And as always...

Keep on writing!


Here says...

Thank you so much for the kind review. ^_^

Liberty says...

Not a problem!

If you have a dream, you have a duty to make it come true.
— Marco Pierre White