I don’t want to fear you,
Or obsessively think of you,
But I do.
You pushed me to the conclusion
That there is:
No answer,
No rule,
No good or bad,
Or nothing really to do or say,
About anything whatsoever.
Muted, blinded,
In contemplative stillness,
I accept you.
The more I know you,
The more I love you,
The more I want to meet you.
And man do I have those nights,
Which should be like any others,
But I start thinking about how
Limitless,
Unforgiving,
Inhuman,
Simple
And strangely funny you are.
And about how
People depict you in movies
And books
And music
Or even play your part.
About how common, average and dirty
You are sometimes
But,
Truth is,
You are so perfect.
Probably the only perfect thing there is.
And there’s a bit of you living inside of
Each and everyone of us.
We will meet one day, I’m sure,
Like you’ve met with all the others.
I will be no different, I’m sure,
There were many others better than me.
You will surprise me, I’m sure,
Like you did with so many.
I only ask you for a few more slices of time:
A slice to love once more,
A slice to see the world,
A slice to drink,
A slice to read,
A slice to fuck,
A slice to write.
And after all is done,
We will rest
And it will be good.
Hi there, Henry. Welcome to YWS!
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
At first, i felt as if this was addressed to someone unreachable, like a girl you go to school with. An unrequited love, let's say. Then, when I got to the fourth stanza, the last line threw me off. I thought, is this written to a celebrity? But no. Celebrities cannot control time. So who is this written to? I scoured the other reviews to see if I could glean insight from them, and I found your comment on Kyla's review. So this is written to death. I would have said it was written to God had you not said that.
This is the first problem with your poem. The reader needs to know who the speaker is addressing. The way it is written is too cryptic. I'm not saying that you need to say "to death" in it, but you can improve the clarity of this poem if you illustrate with images. Right now, you have no images in your poem. You're very tell-y. We always want to show and not tell. For example:
You're telling us that this thing is these things. Great. So you're talking about outer space? These things can be applied to more things than just death. You need to create specific images to point to death.
Now by this, I'm not telling you to make this poem more gothic. If you feel that way, go ahead, I guess, but I find the most effective images come from more everyday things than a raven sitting on a tombstone at midnight clutching a wilted rose in his talons.
To find a good image, we must first think about death. You already have, and you have a handy list of adjectives here that describe death (that was the first step). Now, let's focus on one of those. Let's go with simple. Now, you basically said in your poem, "this is simple." For clarity's sake, let's say I knew what you were talking about at first and say you said "death is simple." Good idea. Now let's show the readers that death is simple. What other than death is simple? Are you describing death in a positive light? I think you are. So what is positive and simple? A warm breeze? Apple pie, checkered tablecloths. You can find your own images, but this is an example, so these are mine. You could say that "You are the checked tablecloth / that flutters in the warm breeze / under mother's apple pie / at the end of the day." Simple, positive, and implies death (death is the end (end of the day... you get it)). Now, this image alone doesn't really point at death, but if you hint with images, you will be able to weave a not only more exciting poem, but a clearer poem.
You have the ideas. Now show them to us. I hope this review was helpful. Keep writing!
Here to review!
My name is Omniyus, and I will be reviewing this poem today! So without any more of my weird comments, I will start.
This review is going to be a little shorter than others I do, so I will just be giving you what I like about it.
I like how you describe this poem of yours. I think you are talking about the perfect poem, where there isn't one. I think this poem is about how you are striving to find something perfect, for you it is a poem, but this never going to be anything perfect in this world, but in the next, which will be the last.
Striving to be perfect is ultimately futile, and hen you make the perfect thing, it will be death to us all! Just kidding, but death is the only certain and 'perfect' thing out there that will happen to us all.
I hop this gave you some insight on your poem,
Omniyus
Hello I'm Kyla, and I'm here to leave you my review.
I think that it was really good! I like how you were strong through it, you kept it going good throughout the whole piece. I really enjoyed how you knew you would meet this mystery person or thing. You describe how you aren't perfect, and how you aren't the best, but you still want to be like others.
I understood it and really enjoyed how you wanted a little bit of life to experience. Oh and by the way, did you write this? I hope you like my review
Hi Kyla and thank you for your comments!
I believe every person should have its own understanding of a poem and that people should be encouraged to do so. It is interesting to see your interpretation and that of Ilham, but when I was writing the poem I had another thing in mind. In fact it is quite simple and I don't know if I should actually say it. It is about death, addressed to death, in all its understandings and conceptualizations. Try rereading it again from this point of view and tell me what you think.
Again, thank you, and I wish you a nice day.
Hello. I'm here to review your piece today. Hope I do understand it as well
)
)
The beginning is good, it lets one feels like you are talking about a missed guy
I don’t want to fear you,
Or obsessively think of you,
But I do.
You pushed me to the conclusion
That there is:
No answer,
No rule,
No good or bad,
Or nothing really to do or say,
About anything whatsoever.
This line made a description-like for the real situation of him in your thinking and real life, as well.
"The more I know you,
The more I love you,
The more I want to meet you."
It is certain that you never got to meet this man. and the more you know him, the more you love him So it feels like he is a famous person; like a hollywood star or a famous person just as one of them.
Then he's more described as the past character, talking about the TV star, Clearly in these lines:
"And man do I have those nights,
Which should be like any others,
But I start thinking about how
Limitless,
Unforgiving,
Inhuman,
Simple
And strangely funny you are.
And about how
People depict you in movies
And books
And music
Or even play your part.
About how common, average and dirty
You are sometimes"
It continues same way in these lines "But,
Truth is,
You are so perfect.
Probably the only perfect thing there is.
And there’s a bit of you living inside of
Each and everyone of us."
But the last line of the last comment "And there’s a bit of you living inside of
Each and everyone of us."
As well as these:
We will meet one day, I’m sure,
Like you’ve met with all the others.
I will be no different, I’m sure,
There were many others better than me.
You will surprise me, I’m sure,
Like you did with so many.
I only ask you for a few more slices of time:
A slice to love once more,
A slice to see the world,
A slice to drink,
A slice to read,
A slice to fuck,
A slice to write.
And after all is done,
We will rest
And it will be good.
It turns out strange for me, to show that this person is different than any other guy ... he has a piece inside all of us, you will meet sure and so on... So I thought is he a religious prophet, Jesus Or who ?!!
Especially this line "And after all is done,
We will rest
And it will be good"
Hope I got it beneficial
Ilham
Hi Ilham! Thank for your comments and your suggested interpretation of the poem. I commented on Kyla's review above and gave my own understanding of the poem. Tell me what you think about it when your read it from this other perspective.