The cadaver stared at the pitch black nothingness, letting its eyes focus and un-focus to their hearts content. Its burdensome arms were heavy; they weighed the hefty cadaver right into the light dusting of soil resting underneath, in which it was supposed to be engaging in the death bed, but the living carcass refused to sleep. Its unrest was eternal; it yearned and wept for the life half still going, although it desperately wanted to die.
Its despondent mouth groaned and moved soundlessly, after what seemed like forever. Its lips progressively cranked the top lip from the bottom, the desiccated rotting but quickly re-building skin, coating the white lips, tore, only no pain came to inform the body of the sudden action.
The body’s eyes, still yanked open, were unable to blink. But the reflex was there, tormenting it in the back of its mind, itching, poking, and tickling away in the hidden depths of the body which was in fact, incapable to die. And no longer would people come to visit the grave the forlorn body was staying in, as they were now rotting underground themselves, how the body wished its self was. The jealousy burned it; the emotions it felt exulted such misery, everything it felt, turned to misery.
The cadaver’s children, who not so long ago were giggling and smiling, their big toothy grins still echoed in its mind, now have silent faces, their bodies left in scattered graves.
The flowers which had been laid in the cadaver’s unmovable arms had long since withered, their petals had decimated, their ivory hue turned into a mutated brown, before disappearing into the coffin floor, leaving the forsaken arms alone once more. The cadaver was left, abandoned, deserted, to mull and harbour all ill feelings and bad intentions, as well as memories; the ghastly ones, which haunted every moment of its unrest, and even if the mind happened to stumble upon a nice memory, one which left a sweet tinge, only made the cadaver weep for loss once more. And it knew… It would be this way forever, the pain of which the immortal body sustained, no matter how long it tolerated it, in the back of its mind, on the tip of its stationary tongue: it would live out the lives of its children, of its children’s children.
It would live, forever.
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hello Hen,
If my girl Neva likes it, I'll have to give it a try.
This is wordy for the sake of wordiness, and unnecessary. It's just clunky and breaks up the flow of your fairly nice voicing.
I agree with Neva. The 'life half still going' has potential, but falls short. Perhaps juggle the words about a bit or change half for something else.
You're wonderful, quite talented. This a beautiful piece, and I hope to hear more from you.
Any questions or if you want another review, feel free to ask.
Megsug
"Its unrest was eternal; it yearned and wept for the life half still going, although it desperately wanted to die."
The same goes for the following paragraph. It's just those little extra words and long winded sentences that take away from the fantastic content of the piece.
Can't wait to see what you think up next.
I absolutely love this sentence(or maybe it's just the way you used unrest) but the 'life half still going' is a bit unclear. I got a little lost as of what was being yearned there.
"Its despondent mouth groaned and moved soundlessly..."
It groaned AND moved silently? Is it groaning silently?
"But the reflex was there, tormenting it in the back of its mind, itching, poking, and tickling away in the hidden depths of the body which was in fact, incapable to die. And no longer would people come to visit the grave the forlorn body was staying in, as they were now rotting underground themselves, how the body wished its self was..."
This section gets a bit wordy. I have to read some things a few times over to really understand what was being said. I think is you just make the tiniest tweaks(like taking out the 'in fact' before the 'incapable to die') It will come across much more defined.
I apologize for continually pointing it out, but I feel like a lot of these sentences could be pieced apart and broken down to be more impacting. Like this sentence:
"The cadaver’s children, who not so long ago were giggling and smiling, their big toothy grins still echoed in its mind, now have silent faces, their bodies left in scattered graves."
I mean, oh my god! The way you described this is just... wow. However, it gets a bit loose in the middle. It runs on when it could be used as a huge smack of vivid imagery to the reader.
"It would live, forever."
The comma isn't exactly necessary. The pause is definitely good, but the comma splice gives the image of 'forever' being spoken to instead of being used as a description. If you want to keep the pause, try changing the comma to a period. Makes it ever so dramatic.
I really LOVE this piece. I love the concept of it. I love how twisted it is. It's just such a good idea, and you did it SO well. Just define what has been said and keep it precise. Although, it is fairly wonderful how it is.
Neva
And excuse my terrible spelling. I think I said is instead of if up in there somewhere... I don't know.
Blame it on the spellcheck!