Published August 7, 2011
I wish upon a star but that doesn't work, I pray to god but he doesn't hear my plea.
Can anyone hear me?
You need you ears testing, or maybe just your minds resetting, maybe then you can learn compassion, because Daddy you're not supposed to use your hand like that; you're supposed to ruffle my hair and say "Good girl" not hit me round the face and swear.
Daddy why don't you ever say say "I love you darling"? Why do you scream at me? I made that drawing of you out of your expensive pencils I know, but I thought you'd like it, honest.
Mummy says that you really do love me you just don't know how to show it. But then how come you can show that you hate me?
Why did you shout at me when I said the same words as you? Daddy, I love you so why can't I copy what you do?
You sit in that grand chair which has no room for me.. You only sip beer from that sparkling can.. I'm just yearning to be sitting on your lap.. I only want you to smile at me... Daddy why do you tell me to disappear?
Daddy I'm lying on the floor, with a red face and you only care about the dent in the floor, I didn't know it was oak.
Do you think it's wrong? Do you think it's wrong to hit your baby girl? Do you think it's bad to say horrible things to her?
Then why did you do it?
Daddy.. Don't leave me.. Don't say that... I Still love you.
Daddy... can you hear my screams?
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This was decent, but first of all, I'd like to see it in more of a poem format, since you listed it as poetry. Just break up some of the lines more, rather than having it written as a series of paragraphs. Another thing is that you need more commas - every time the narrator says "Daddy," there should be a comma after it, though if there's a particular spot where the narrator is screaming or speaking very quickly, leaving out a comma is fine. However, you should mostly use commas where they would normally be used, rather than mostly not using them.
Also, in the spots where you have two periods, like here:
These should all be three periods, not two. Like after the last sentence, that one's better.
Other than that, I just want to see more imagery. You have some nice good specific stuff, like the part about the pencils, the part about the beer... Try to add more things like that, things that are specific to this person and this poem. Like, here's a part that's just kind of blah:
Obviously you don't need to have every single line be dripping imagery, but this part is in such general language, anyone really could've written this part. Try to say things that are more specific - like, "why do you tell me to disappear," that was a good line.
Anyway, this could be really great - maybe start by changing the general bits to things that are more specific, and then try breaking it up more into poetry form, and I think this will be really, really good. Let me know when you make the changes so I can read the new version!
~Blue
Ohhh I liked this so much! It was very soulful as well as meaningful.
I didn't identify any spelling errors...that is one thing that I'm really big on.
Critique: I didn't really understand the part about the drawing of the dad. Expensive pencils? Is he an artist? I just didn't get that...