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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Hello there, Cailey here with a review!
Polinka wrote: "One criticism I may have is that this is all in one big block, and it looks quite heavy. Consider splitting this into paragraphs if not lines - it will read easier, and you can play around with the flow to make the piece sound more effective."
And I must say I agree. I think it's almost always easier to read when the piece is split into smaller section. I read your reply, and you said you meant to do it that way. Still, even in prose pieces it's a lot easier to read when the paragraphs are small. Maybe add a break right before he starts talking about the woman?
Also, you wrote in your reply below that you wanted the woman to be a motherly figure. I didn't get that from the piece. I thought of romance or obsession, not motherly love. If you want to have that relationship, you should add more detail about it. I couldn't see any motherly feelings in this, but I think it would be nice if you added that. I like the idea of him wanting a mother more than the obsession and lust that I got out of this the first time.
Also, is abysm really a word? Isn't it abyss? (Don't quote me on this, I didn't look it up or anything. I may just be ignorant.)
I like the idea of someone falling into an abysm, but I think you should give us a little more. I don't really know what this was about, it was a little vague and unclear. Maybe give us a little more of something to remember.
Otherwise, good job.
Hope this review was helpful!
Hello, Cailey! At first, thank you for reading and commenting on my work!
This is interesting what you and Polinka say about paragraphs, I'll keep that on my mind while writing my next work
speaking of the motherly figure... I simply like to write pieces with ambiguous meaning. I think it's more mysterious and more interesting when people can't be sure what did I want to say, when they have some room to discuss it. So, I was referring to a motherly figure. Maybe some people would notice that, while the others would think of a romantic obsession, and they could discuss. But for me, the biggest magic is the fact that nobody (unless I reveal the secret) can certainly know what is hidden behind my words. I'm pretty sure that no one would realize that the piece was inspired by "The Ring", unless I reveal it.
When you read this work, you knew I was a man, so you imagined a man saying those words that I had written. But the piece was actually written from the point of view of Samara Morgan, a girl. And yes, I didn't reveal it because, as I said, I like my work to be mysterious and to give some room to the readers to discuss.
speaking of the word, I think both "abysm" and "abyss" exist as words, at least my Croatian-English dictionary says so. I chose the word "abysm" because it sounded somehow better to me. Speaking of the abysm/abyss, as I said in some of my previous replies (and here), the entire piece was inspired by "The Ring", so the black abysm is the well.
Yes, the review was helpful, and thank you once again, I'm glad you like my work
Hmm... Interesting. I must say that I love the imagery employed, for I have always been fascinated by abysses. I think I might have seen The Ring... Although that was quite some time ago. Perhaps the creepiest line is "I will have you only for myself. Forever.", which I love, as it is beautifully ambiguous and stimulates my imagination in morbid ways. Although, I fear that I am rather confused overall... Although you kept it ambiguous for a reason, it would have been great to see at least some explanation to allow for a feasible conclusion. "And I already know that You are a woman" doesn't truly feel right, though. It's a certain generalisation which might leave some readers feel excluded, perhaps somewhat detached from the story.
at first, thank you for reading my work and for finding it interesting!
yes, you probably read in my previous reply that this poem was inspired by "The Ring". If you watched both "The Ring" and "The Ring twO", you know that Samara wanted Rachel to be her new mother, and she wanted to have her only for herself. It was a woman who took Samara out of the well, and made her even more powerful. Even while being alive, Samara was emotionally attached to a motherly figure, and she wanted to have Anna only for herself. Whenever Anna wouldn't pay her full attention to Samara, Samara would start projecting her gruesome thoughts into her mind. I think so because she acted the same with Rachel. When she possessed Aidan's body, she wanted to be next to Rachel all the time, and she killed Dr Temple because she wanted to keep her away from Rachel, and she killed Max because he also wanted to be close to Rachel. If you want something else to be explained, feel free to ask me 
Hey!
This was really abstract, nevertheless quite enjoyable indeed. The obsession that the first voice has for the mystery someone is really coming through in the writing, and that's always a good thing - for the reader to really feel emotion from the piece.
I also really like how you capitalize 'You' - really shows how idealized this woman is for the character.
One criticism I may have is that this is all in one big block, and it looks quite heavy. Consider splitting this into paragraphs if not lines - it will read easier, and you can play around with the flow to make the piece sound more effective.
The last few words sound quite desperate, and leaves me thinking whether this someone is going to save the character, or let them stay there because she's driven away by the obsessiveness? Or will the story have a happy ending? Is this piece creepy rather than romantic or romantic rather than creepy?
Overall, great piece - there are no grammar mistakes (apart from starting sentences with 'and' - but that doesn't matter too much), the idea is very good. Consider also maybe describing exactly what the abyss (abysm) is like, instead of just abstract concepts - it will really put your reader into that situation and make him/her feel for the writing much more.
Great work, keep it up!
~polinka
Dear Polinka,
If you haven't watched them, and you want me to tell you the ending, I will 
Thank you once again for liking my work. I will surely post some more soon.
at first, thank you a lot for such a long and constructive comment, I am really pleasantly surprised. I'm glad you liked the poem.
Speaking of the construction, this is a prose-shaped poem, that's why I didn't split it. Some of my poems are splitted to lines, but sometimes it's easier to write this way.
Yes, the main character really idealizes that woman. But I deliberately made it this way, so that it's not completely clear how does the character feel about that woman. The character is looking for motherly love, for a woman who will love him/her as her own child.
Speaking of the story... I made it mysterious on purpose, I didn't want it to be very obvious what is it really about. I was inspired by the movies "The Ring" and "The Ring twO". I don't know if you have watched them. If you haven't watched them, I'm not sure if I would recommend them, because those are horror movies, and I don't know you and don't know how you react on horror. But if you have watched them, you surely know who is Samara Morgan. The poem is written from her point of view (although I'm male). It was not clearly said, but by analysing the details and solving the puzzle, you can come to the conclusion that Samara was giving those gruesome visions to her adoptive mother Anna whenever Anna wouldn't pay her complete attention to her. That's why Anna threw her into the well. (The black abysm in the poem is actually the well.) Samara died there, but her spirit became a monster after that, through the videotape. (The message mentioned in the poem is the videotape.) And the woman she is talking about is Rachel. By taking Samara out of the well, Rachel set her free somehow and made her more powerful. So, in "The Ring twO", Samara possesses Aidan's body and she wants Rachel to be her mother. She wants her full attention, she wants her only for herself (and we realise that when Samara tells Max that he is unnecessary and she kills him afterwards).
Speaking of the ending, if you watched the movies, you know the ending.
I hope you understand it now.
Greetings from Croatia,
Hell Lightning