The Beggining
Once there was a barnacle, he was so ugly that everybody died. The End.... Or so the ugly barnacle thought, he woke up in a dimly lit cave, it smelt damp. Of course it was damp he thought, he was underwater.
He couldn't remember how or why he was here, he was just the average, everyday barnacle. He couldn't remember who he was or where he came from, all he knew is that he is scared and deeply confused. What was his name, his job? Did he have a family, any friends? There was no way that he could know.
It was late, he could tell by the lowered visibility in the cave. He decided that he was left here for dead and nobody was coming for him. Nobody, as far as he was concerned, would be looking for him either. He was wearing blue jeans and a scraggly white t-shirt, he reached into his pockets and found keys to a 1997 boat mobile, and a wallet. In his wallet there was a picture of a very attractive lady barnacle, she had long blonde hair and was on the side of a ship. He flipped the picture over and say a name, "Becca" followed by a heart and a series of "Xs" and "Os". "Becca", the barnacle said back to himself, he liked this name, a lot.
It was then that his head began to pulse and his heart rate began to pump wildly and rapidly, then an image of Becca appeared in his mind, her hair flowing freely in the ocean. Despite the pain, the barnacle managed to notice nothing but her beauty. The Image burned in his head, the pain was now unbearable, he saw Becca being dragged away from a barnacle he thought would represent himself, he heard her scream loudly a name. At first it was hard for him to hear the name but it became more clear and loud, she shad screamed, "Steven, COME BACK!" It was then that his vision went black and his mind went blank, he had no more visions after this.
He awoke in a cold sweat, he still didn't know who he was or why he was here. He only had a name, Steven, was this his name, or was this someone else in his vision. He had no way of telling, he just accepted that his new name would be Steven.
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It was then that Steven heard something, something so crazy, so loud, so deep that it sounded like a ferocious beast in the deep bowels of the cave he so harshly woke up in. "What could it be?" thought Steven, and by this time he was shriveled up what he assumed was some sort of crevice in the cave. His actions were not entirely due to the abrupt noise he just heard, as he had been in the cave for what must have been upwards of twelve hours. He was becoming weak, he couldn't last much longer, he had to escape before whatever he had just heard decided he wanted barnacle stew for lunch.
"Which way to go?", Steven thought upon this for a while, towards the sound, or away from it. He decided to stray away from the noises he was hearing, it seemed that a noise of that size must have meant trouble. He felt his way through a roughly straight tunnel, he was starting to breathe deeper, he hoped it was due to an uphill inclination on the cave, implying that it was surfacing, but he figured it was just the exhaustion kicking in.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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THAT DIDN'T HELP AT ALL.
What didn't?
Interesting... Haha I started laughing halfway through.
Nice job, I liked it.
- Wonder
Thanks, I'm going to re-do this piece to make it better
Nice job copying Spongebob.
Re-imagined my friend, re-imagined
Is this the whole thing? I thought this was a little too short for my attention.
1. "The attractive barnacle, although passing him in looks had no super powers once so ever." It is "what so ever" not "once so ever".
2. The ending seemed like you may have posted this by mistake and forgot to finish it.
3. The characters are quite...weird... I mean a barnacle is a main character??
4. Also seriously, an ugly barnacle that was so ugly he died. -_-
5. I don't have much to review since it was so short but anyways...
I wrote the old version in about five minutes, you should check out my new one. it's both longer and more engaging
This is way too infantile for me to have interest in. However, I'll just point out that there isn't enough detail given to draw in readers. Everything is merely shortly summed up, and thus, nothing seems steady.
I suggest you keep the 'or so he thought' thing to a minimum (I'd prefer it to even only appear once), because I perceive if it was a longer story it would appear frequently.
You are fairly young, and your neophyte imagination requires refinement. Always think out and construct your stories thoroughly before submitting them. Also relate them to the professional ideas other writers have infused in book or movies. That way you'll be able to decrease the level of crudeness of your stories, and eventually, you'll be able to come up with more original plots.
Cheers.
Well I did re-do it, so check it out
You, sir, have done a marvelous job with this piece. Astounding that you were able to convey so many emotions with such brevity.
I particularly loved the foreshadowing of the barnacle's death when you wrote "There once was". Immediately I knew that said barnacle was no more, which subsequently left me curious as to how the poor thing had met its inevitable end.
The abruptness of your ending, cleverly reminiscent of a Shakespearean tragedy, had every one of your characters killed. I applaud you for your fearlessness to kill off your protagonist despite the heavy emotional attachment we, the readers, have developed for him. Such a haunting finish to a riveting tale.
Are you actually planning to do anything with this?
I wrote an essay for school bases on "Ain't nobody got time for that" SO yeah, I could pull this off.
bad stuff dude, this is nothing for me. write better. nthing to review in this! work hard and write better!
You racist!!!
Beautiful story, dude. The ending was so sad it had me in tears.(;
Thanks, I will make a full short story later