Shuffling the floor in confusion
Alone with no one to speak
Suffering with feelings to let out
In this life nothing could be so bleak
First you need love
You hated it and let it go
Then you need family
they pass away and leave you
Then you want a friend
They stab you in the back and take all you've got
Then you wish you just didn't have a heart
To feel all this pain
To not have a brain
To know all this misery
And to never remember the worst pain of being alone[pre]
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
First off, I think you should break this into verses. Just makes it easier to read, you know? Imagery would make this stronger. Why is this life so bleak? How did your family pass away? In what way is your friend a back-stabber? Concrete details make a poem positively GLOW.
Lovely idea, you just need to build on it.
I like your writing; do more!
Well, since this is your first post, welcome to YWS!
Straight from the rules! Which you can find at this link: Rules & Guidelines. You may want to read them. ^_~I'm just going to run some rules by you. ^_~
Best of luck, why not introduce yourself in the welcome section?
Hey there.
Hmm...I don't know how I feel about this poem.
I like the first two lines because I feel like that a lot and I can relate. (Even though I end up doing something stupid in the end and people come and talk to me and ask if I'm ok in the head.)
And I like this part:
"Then you wish you just didn't have a heart
To feel all this pain
To not have a brain
To know all this misery
And to never remember the worst pain of being alone"
It's very nice and...I dunno. I just like it.
Anywho, keep up the nice work.
Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay