Goodbye
I could smell your fragrance.
Your body close to me.
Those warm hands around mine,
The rain drenching us as we stand in the middle.
Silence, speechless
our mind running with thoughts.
Don’t leave me, please.
Darling, I must go.
Am I not the one?
Its not that.
Then, what is it?
I don’t feel the same anymore.
A door opens as a bell jingles in the distance.
As his skin brushes on mine.
His lips making its essence on my cheeks.
He moves back, one step at a time.
Our hands which were once locked,
now slowly breaking.
No. Don’t leave me here, Louis.
My fingers wrap around his one last time.
He pulls away gently.
You’ll be okay, Lisa.
I feel my eyes hot with tears.
My eyes bury
into his deep coffee eyes.
I want his strong arms around me.
His dark ruffled hair,
its silky touch.
His firm and gentle kisses.
Please don’t go.
He turns to look at me
one last time.
Almost wishing he would come back.
But he walks away,
to leave me with the rain,
splashing on me.
He’s left me.
Screaming, I fall back
into the deep woods.
My last few words to life.
“Goodbye.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
This is great, I really got the feel of this poem. It sort of touched me, I got the emotional feeling you aimed for whilst writing this and I just love it! The way it's been worded is excellent but I agree on the coffee eyes thing that DarkKnight9 said, but other than that it is good
Thank you so much! ~
Yes, I probably should change the 'coffee' part. ^^ Thanks for your opinion. It was really helpful!
Hi Hearts,here I am to make my review on your poem.
First of all,I love the poem that tells the story about Louis and Lisa. Although it is not end with a happy ending here.The use of words / diction is very good and can give a deep emotional effects to the reader.I like the element of similarity / comparison here in your poem;
"My eyes bury
into his deep coffee eyes."-->coffee eyes maybe give more meanings here.(e;g:Hazel/black eyes or maybe it something like 'addictive' because coffee really have that effect)
The ending of the poem is a little bit confusing here,but I can think about two meanings here-does she move on her life or ended it? (Based on the last two line here:)
#My last few words to life.
But anyway,I enjoyed reading your poem so much!Good job and keep writing here in YWS!
_Kudos
~DarkKnight
Thank you very much for the review!
Yes, she did end her life. Because I thought moving was kind of common.
Your review approved to be very helpful! ^^ Thank you for your opinion.
Thank you very much for the review!
Yes, she did end her life. Because I thought moving was kind of common.
Your review approved to be very helpful! ^^ Thank you for your opinion.
I see.Thanks for explanation here,bud.I finally got it
I love the way you entwined the thoughts/conversation into the poem. Really cool! I love the fact that this is poem has a narrative as well. I can only suggest, to make it more interesting, that you very the length of your lines a little more, since the only shorter ones come with the conversation, just a thought.
Thank you very much for your thoughts and review! It really did help.
But I should have stretched it a bit more. 
Yes, my lines were kind of big at first but I shortened it.
Thanks so much!