The Chronicles of Oblivion - Prologue
The cold, windless night was eerily quiet. Even in the barren, lifeless desert there was less sound than was natural. The only source of light in the dark wasteland came from a tiny sliver on moon peeking out from behind a blanket of clouds.
A bare, jet black ledge protruded from the side of the great, jagged mountain overlooking the desert. The moon came into sight again, casting long shadows across the ledge. A tall figure clad in dark robes emerged from the shadows of the mountains and strode to the edge of the cliff. Pure evil emanated from him, and the air around him was thick with the strong stench of sulfur. He stood at the edge of the cliff and surveyed the desert below him with distain.
Raising a gloved hand, he began to chant softly. The air began to reverberate with noiseless activity. It thrummed with vibrations from an unseen force, growing heavier and more solid with each passing second. A tiny circle of light grew from the center of the dark figure’s palm. It sparked and crackled with electricity, illuminating the bare, rocky ledge below with ghostly hues of white laced with black and red. The figure chanted louder and faster, causing the light to spin rapidly, rising from his hand as it did so. It glided to the very edge of the cliff, directly in front of him. It spun faster and faster, and began to spread, growing taller and wider until it was the size of a doorway. As it spread, it grew thinner and more transparent, revealing a dim outline of a walled stone pathway beyond it.
The portal opened, and two men stepped out. At least, they looked somewhat like men. They stood over six feet tall, with broad shoulders and lean but well-muscled builds. Though that was where the similarities ended. Their eyes were completely white, with no pupils or irises to speak of. Tiny, black noses rested at the ends of long, pointed snouts. Thin, pale lips were twisted into savage snarls. Pale skin seemed to glow with a sickly green hue. They were clad in worn, dirty leather armor, stained with dried blood. Curved, rusty swords were clutched in their hands.
The men bowed to their master so low that their snouts touched the ground. The figure did not respond or return the greeting.
“You summoned us, master?” growled one of the men. His voice was deep and guttural, like that of a wild beast. He kept his gaze downward, not daring to look his master in the eye.
“Yes.” The figure replied. His voice was little more than a hoarse whisper, yet it was terrifying all the same. “How many have come?”
“Ten thousand, my lord.” said the man.
The figure took a step toward the men. “Is that all?” he hissed. Venom crept into his voice.
“But more will come.” he added quickly, sounding terrified.
“I was promised an army of twenty thousand, and ten is all you have to show me!”
“B-but my lord, it takes time to ready our men. There will be twenty thousand, we just need more time.” The second man stammered.
“More time?” The figure was shouting now. “Our enemy is gathering strength! We have precious little time now!”
“Just a few more weeks, my lord.” The man begged, his eyes wide with terror. “A few weeks are all we need, then you will have your army.”
Their master howled in rage. He raised his hand again, and shouted something inaudible. A red ball of light appeared above his palm, spinning rapidly. Tendrils of flame snaked up his arm. The men cast terrified glances at the light, and backed up to the portal, hoping to escape. Before their chance came, their master thrust his palm forward and, with a cry of fury, released the magic. An explosion of light blinded the men. A bolt of red light laced with black exploded from their master’s palm and hit the first man square in the chest. The man screamed in agony and fell to the ground motionless. The second man stared in horror at his companion’s grotesque, charred body, frozen in place.
The cloaked figure’s hood had partially fallen back to reveal the lower half of his face. The remaining man looked at his master and gasped. Sallow, yellowed skin stretched taunt over a thin jawbone. Black, needle-like fangs curled over thin, pale lips. His face and neck were covered with deep gouges that oozed sickly green slime. He sneered at the man and raised his glowing hand.
The man dropped to the ground and bowed before his master, pleading his mercy. Disgusted, his master dragged him to his feet by his shirt. He drew the man close enough to him to smell the sulfur on his breath. The man whimpered and fought the urge to gag.
“If I don’t have my army in three weeks,” He snarled. “You will wish I had just killed you now.”
With that, he threw the man back through the portal, and closed it. Cursing loudly, he strode back across the ledge and into the shadows.
How goes it? Asked a voice from behind a rock face. The cloaked man turned the corner and faced the source of the voice. The beast that stood before him was utterly terrifying.
It would have seemed to be a giant loin, if not for the great eagle wings that sprouted from between its shoulder blades. Its tail was coated with scales rather than fur, with foot long spikes running down its length. The manticore bowed before her master.
“Due to those bumbling imbecile’s utter incompetence,” He growled, “Our army shall not be ready for three weeks!”
We have time, my lord. The manticore replied, we may be late, but we shall destroy them none the less.
The cloaked man didn’t reply. He strode over to where the manticore sat and climbed onto the saddle positioned just below her wings. “Fly.” He commanded. “We have much work to do.”
Well, that's it. I'd love to hear what i've done wrong and/or right, and what I can improve on. Keep in mind that this is a prologue to a story I am working on, so not much is supposed to be explained yet. Be brutal.
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I'm pretty sure that you're supposed to put commas instead of periods, like:
“Ten thousand, my lord,” said the man.
The figure took a step toward the men. “Is that all?” he hissed. Venom crept into his voice.
“But more will come,” he added quickly, sounding terrified.
At least, that's the way I do it. I read it like that all the time in books too.
But overall, I thought it was pretty damn good. It reminded me of LOTR, though. So I agree with the others when they say it's a little cliché.
My point exactly, you spelled it loin, not lion, and that's what got me confused. The wings, however, are new to me.
Hey HeadInTheClouds,
I'm just going to quickly skim in this critique since I REALLY need sleep tonight.
I agree with those who said it was too cliche, and I'd like to spend a bit of time on that, since everyone seemed to pass it up.
Now, when a writer's work starts to get too cliche, it can be almost impossible to fix without completely rewriting. That's why I'm glad this is just the prologue - hopefully, you have time to fix it.
You mentioned that the villain is cliche. Yes, he is, but he's not the only cliche part of this. In fact, it seems like the entire prologue is a bit cliche. How many fantasy stories start out with a prologue (or at least include a scene) where the "pure evil villain" (I was surprised to find you actually used that phrase) talks to the incompetent henchmen, who inform him that the plan failed? While it's good to try to emulate other writing for practice, when you actually go to write your own story, you need to make it your own. Come up with your own descriptions. I know it's tempting to fall back on the "pitch black darkness" and "pure evil" aura of the villain, but as a writer your job isn't to take the easy descriptions written everywhere. It's to describe things in a new way, and to make sure your readers stay in the story without being distracted by phrases they've heard over and over from every book they've read.
Actually, I think I've used up all my time on that, lol. Please look over your prologue carefully, especially the punctuation and dialogue, and make changes accordingly, okay? I'm sure it'll be a great story, but you need to really make it your own. Get into your world a little more before you try to put it on paper. Just keep writing, and I'm sure you'll improve rapidly.
Crystal Shadow:
1. They are actually men, technically. It's not supposed to be fully explained because it's just the prologue, but they are human.
2. Try plugging in manticore to google. Most of the sites you'll find will describe them as having the body of a lion and wings.
I like the beginning, but I would like to point out two things:
1) If they aren't men then why are they continuely called men?
2) Last time I checked, Manticores don't have wings and I've never heard them discribed as giant loins.
Maybe I've never heard of the version of Manticores that have wings and I toltally respect your right as a fantasy author (being one myself (not to mention a fantasy freak)) to create virtually anything you want to in your story. It's going good so far, though. There's just one thing that peeves me: Why is darkness always associated with evil? I never understood that. Maybe that's why I always wrote about darkness the way i do (though nobody on YWS has ever read them due to the fact i can't publish them yet). Hope to read the next (ummm, 1st?) chapter soon.
Was skimming through zour storz and:
quote:
We have time, my lord. The manticore replied, we may be late, but we shall destroy them none the less.
Wouldn't it be better if you had 'the manticore replied' after a comma after the first part? The the sacond fragment of it's response could be in a seperate sentence.
Anyways, it's much clearer with the beast's replies in itallics!
-elein
Just did a bit of editing. I have no idea why my computer didn't pick up on that spelling mistake. *shakes head* I swear, it hates me. I'll do a bit more once I can think of better synonyms for figure. Thanks for the crits by the way, they were very helpful. And I know this is very cliched and generic, but it's just introducing the main villan, and lets face it, most fantasy villans are a bit cliched. He's actually not that bad once you find out why he is the villan, but I know right now he seems very cliche. And trust me, the following chapters will be better written, now that I know what to improve on, and a good deal less cliched.
Well...I agree with Firestarter when he said this was very cliche. It reminds me a lot of Eragon. Aside from that...I found a few things that need to be changed.
Well done, though. 
It is well written, just needs to be tweaked a little. 
Writergril. 
"illuminating the bare, rocky ledge below it with ghostly hues of white:
"It" is not needed here.
"released the magick"
"Magick" is supposed to be "magic".
"An explosion of light blinded the men. A bolt of red light laced with black exploded from their master’s palm and hit the first man square in the chest."
Theses two sentences are basically saying the same thing! Combine them and your paragraph will flow smoother. Something like: "An exploding of light blinded the men as it shot from their master's palm and hit the first man in the chest."
Something along those lines. Also, you do not need to tell the color seeming as how you have already explained what it looks like earlier.
"Its tail was coated with scales rather that fur"
"Rather Than"
This is a good start. I agree with everyone else, there is too much description. Break things apart, and use better verbs instead of a lot of adjectives to describe the nouns! This will make your story flow. Also, you may want to think of an interesting plot, because this is a little bit of a cliche. But, I will withhold judgment until I read the other chapters.
I agree with Firestarter (Jack? I’m not usre here, lol) on the descriptions. I would cut off like half of it, but the other half would HAVE to stay, lol.
In the third paragraph you use ‘figure’ two times close to each other. I know that I’m being picky here, mwahaha.
Quote:
“You summoned us master?”
Comma after ‘us’. Here again you start using ‘figure’. -Synonyms would be welcome.
Quote:
How goes it? Asked a voice from behind a rock face.
I think you missed something here.
Update: I see that when the beast talk, you do not use any signs. I think you should, though. Maybe <> or turn in into italics?
Okay, so this is a prologue? Yeah, I think you should explain some thing later on, like:
a) what is a Loin, Eagle (is it a normal eagle or not? I mean, it’s capital)
b) who is who. You did not give any names.
c) give a bit of background information about the country throughout the story.
…And a number of other thing, lol. Sorry if I galloped away, hehe.
Generally, I liked your story, Watch out for the descriptions, (well, only on the beginning, later on it was okay). Speech signs when the beast talks - it’s a bit confusing the way you have it now. I can’t say, however, that I was completely absorbed by it. It wasn’t dull, don’t understand it like that, it just wasn’t as good as it could be. I suppose it will become more interesting as the story goes.
Anyways, keep up the good work,
-elein
Hmm ... I'm going to try and avoid stabbing you numerous times for using every cliche in the fantasy book, because I should really reserve judgement until I read later chapters. Basically, here's what I picked up from a couple of reads:
Slow Description
Especially in the beginning, you describe things that aren't neccesary. Now, I'm a lover of description, but it has a time and a place, and at the moment, your beginning is slow and, well, boring. Description that is weaved naturally between action and dialogue works the best, and I have to confess I almost skipped most of the first few paragraphs. Try and cut down on what is not needed, ie.
This could be changed to something like:
The night was quiet and dark, lit only by a sliver of moonlight.
That was a terrible example, but you shouldn't be afraid of losing sentences. Your first paragraph basically repeats itself over and over again. Try and cut out excessive adjectives (you use many for just one noun) when you could be using stronger verbs. Intersperse your long, boring sentences with shorter, fragmented ones that give urgency and pace to your writing, ie.
The night was quiet and dark, lit only by an inconsistent sliver of moonlight that disappeared behind a blanket of clouds every so often.
It was too quiet.
Another terrible example, but the urgency of the last sentence makes it emphasise how eery it is that it is so quiet. Fit these sentences into your work, and it will read all the better.
Overall
You improved on a slow beginning to make a better ending. This is very like many fantasy stories I have read, so you will have to convince me to carry on reading on the strength of the next few chapters. However, this has potential if you look to work on your slow narrative and description.
Hope this helped!