"Don't forget to scrub the windows real good!"
"Yes sir," I smiled as I took the sponge from the soapy water bucket. It was the 23rd of August, and for a fundraiser my school had decided to do a car wash. Not many people had volunteered, and out of those who had volunteered only 7 had shown up. Out of those seven, my best friend Carter had shown up.
Once I finished washing the windows, the teacher who was in charge of the whole thing signaled to the driver that we were finished.
"Okay everyone, you can take a break now. We'll come back in a little while," The teacher announced. Everyone sighed with relief.
"Hey, Aryanna!" I turned when I heard a familiar voice call my name. Before I could answer, Carter sprayed me in the face with a hose. I sputtered and could hear him laughing.
"What do you think is so funny?" I asked, taking the bucket of soapy water and splashing it on him. He stopped laughing and started coughing. "Hey that's not fair! That water was soapy!" He complained, rubbing his eyes.
"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know there were rules," I smirked, "Haha, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
"Yeah just some soap in my eye," He stopped rubbing them and looked at me, his wet, light brown hair almost covering his brown eyes.
"Alright then," I smiled and threw the sponge at him, hitting him in the chest and leaving a wet mark on his shirt. He smiled back and grabbed his hose, spraying me and then running off into another car washing room. I laughed and took my hose, chasing after him. When I reached the room however, he wasn't there.
"Carter?" I called, "Carter, where'd you go?"
I looked around, but there was no where he could have hidden, the room was empty. I took a few more steps and stopped in front of a large puddle.
"Where could he have gone?"
"Aryanna," I heard a voice whisper my name, "Aryanna."
I looked around, but there still wasn't anyone around, "Carter, is that you?"
"Aryanna, look down," It said. Confused, I looked down at the puddle of water. I almost stepped backwards at what I saw. There was a face in the water, but it wasn't mine. It wasn't Carters either, I had no idea who it was.
"W-who are you?" I asked.
"You will know soon enough," It said, smiling.
Before I could ask again, someone pushed me from behind, at least that's what it felt like, and I fell into the puddle. No, not into, through. I fell through the puddle and blacked out.
I regained consciousness soon after, and sat up. It took me a few minutes to register that I was sitting in very shallow water, and I immediately stood up. I was wet from head to toe, and being in soaked clothes was very uncomfortable. I tried to squeeze some water from my hair, and that's when I noticed my surroundings.
I was standing on water, not in it, on it, and it wasn't clear, it was a violet-red color. In fact, the whole place was tinted violet-red. The dead tree's that came up from the water, the stones that floated in the air, and even the cloudless sky. The only thing that didn't seem to have a violet-red color was the black building that loomed over me.
"Where on earth am I?" I asked myself, looking around at the strange place. I looked at the floating stones in awe. How where they floating, and I was not? Gravity affected everything, didn't it?
I turned back to the black building. It was probably the largest thing I'd ever seen, both length wise and height wise. I gulped and reached my hand out to touch the door knob. Slowly, I turned the knob and opened the door, stepping inside.
"H-hello? I-is anyone here?" I stuttered. There was no answer. I let go of the door and walked to the middle of the room. I noticed that the floor was water, just like outside. The door slammed shut and I whipped around, but there was no one there. Taking a deep breath I turned back around and stared at the three doors in front of me. They were all the same, but I had a feeling that they each hide something else behind them.
I decided to choose the far left door. Hesitantly I turned the door knob and walked inside. Again the door closed on its own behind me, but I didn't bother to turn around. Instead I was confused at what I saw. On the left and right walls of the room, there were what it looked to be square bathtubs made out of bricks. They were full of water, and shower heads hung above them. I didn't understand what they were doing here, so I went straight continued down a hallway. I reached a point in the wall where it branched off and led to another door. I decided to see what was behind the door.
I opened it, and what I saw confused me even more. There was a pile of stuffed animals taking up half the room. All of the stuffed animals seemed to have something wrong with them thought. Some had missing eyes, others had missing arms or other body parts, and some were loosing stuffing from various cuts.
I was about to close the door when I heard a faint sound. It gradually began to get louder, and I started to panic on the inside. As it got closer I was able to make out the noise. It sounded like something was gurgling, and there was also the sound of mud or something sucking at the ground. I looked around quickly, unsure about what to do.
Then I felt someone grab my arm. I panicked as they dragged me and threw me into the pile of stuffed animals.
"W-who are you?" I asked, trying not to scream.
"Shhh! I'm trying to help you but you have to be quiet!" They said, and I recognized the voice.
The person started to burry me in the stuffed animals, and once they had finished I felt movement suggesting that they had also buried themselves.
I froze when I herd the door open. I had just enough space to see out off, and what I saw come through the door made me want to puke. It was a large monster that looked like a slug that was made completely out of mucus and mud. It had various things sticking out of it's body, including broken sticks and pieces of metal.
The monster just sat there for what felt like a long time before it turned around and went out the door. Once the cost was clear, the boy who had buried me in the stuffed animals climbed out and helped me to get out.
"That was close," He said, looking back.
"You...You're That face that was in the puddle!" I said. The boy looked at me and nodded.
"I am. My name is Arty," He replied.
"Where am I?" I asked, not bothering to introduce myself since he seemed to already know me.
"That's going to take some explaining. But it seems we'll be safe here for awhile. This place," He began, gesturing to everything with his arm, "Has many names. You can call it what you want. It's a world on the opposite side of yours, kind of like a mirror world. As you probably saw from the outside, it is kind of distorted compared to your world."
"How did I get here? Just by falling through that puddle?"
"Yes, but it's a little more complicated then that. It's possible to get to this world through any object that reflects. So a mirror, a puddle, a piece of glass, or anything else that reflects light. But there also has to be a dimensional rift connected to that object too, so not just any puddle is a portal to this world, just the ones that are connected to this world through rifts in space,"
"So you're saying that I'm just unlucky that I got here?"
"Basically yes. Your friend is here too, Carter is his name right?"
"Carter? He's here?!"
Arty nodded, "Yep! He fell through the puddle on accident, which is why I brought you here. I need your help to find him, and bring the two of you home safely, before something bad happens."
"What...will Happen?"
"I'll explain that later, but we should go now. It's not safe to stay in one spot for long. But there is one more thing I want to tell you,"
"What is that?"
"Remember how I said this was a mirror world? Everyone in your world has a mirror of themselves in this world,"
"So, your saying that there's another me here?"
"That's right! Your friend Carter too,"
"Will some kind of paradox happen if I end up running into her?"
"I doubt it, since your already talking to him."
"Wait, You are my mirror self?!"
"Yes, but more on that later. Come on lets go find your friend!" Arty said, grapping my arm.
"Wait, one more question!"
"Oh my gosh you ask a lot of questions,"
I glared at him, "What is up with all these stuffed animals?"
"Well this world is also a refuge for lost and forgotten things. If a toy, piece of clothing, idea, or whatever else is lost or forgotten it ends up here. Now let's go!"
He pulled my arm again, and this time I followed him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Sorry did not say it was a review the first time so here it is as a review.


Okay first thing first, I absolutely love this story idea! It is very exciting and intriguing and does not seem to be going an any know cliche path yet.
However I must agree with some of the other reviewers that it was a tad bit fast paced and sort of unrealistic. Sort of, but not completely.
At first I was kind of happy that the girl Aryanna did not freak out too much when she went into the world, because a lot of writers make their characters have unrealistic reactions and it seemed like yours didn't. However upon further reading i found out that she had little reaction at all. I mean it is kind of unrealistic that she just happens to be transported from washing cars to a different world and she doesn't even seem fazed? Unless your character is known for accepting unrealistic situations, which is not mentioned, then she should have a little bit more of a reaction or at least come up with an explanation for why she was there. Throughout your short piece she did not rationalize with herself at all as to why she was all of a sudden in a different world.
I do, however, like that she asked about her double and found out she was talking to him. That is very effective literary device in raising a readers interest and making them want to read more, and it most certainly did make me want to read on. As well as the unanswered question of what will be a result of her and Carter falling into the mirror world. They were both very intriguing and seem to set up into what would seem a very interesting and excitingly fast paced story. So I believe that with some careful editing and reworking, you can have yourself here a beautiful piece, and eventually story!
P.S I loved how playful and natural the realtionship between Carter and Aryanna felt! Emphasis on the natural part, very relatable and real.
Okay first thing first, I absolutely love this story idea! It is very exciting and intriguing and does not seem to be going an any know cliche path yet.

However I must agree with some of the other reviewers that it was a tad bit fast paced and sort of unrealistic. Sort of, but not completely.
At first I was kind of happy that the girl Aryanna did not freak out too much when she went into the world, because a lot of writers make their characters have unrealistic reactions and it seemed like yours didn't. However upon further reading i found out that she had little reaction at all. I mean it is kind of unrealistic that she just happens to be transported from washing cars to a different world and she doesn't even seem fazed? Unless your character is known for accepting unrealistic situations, which is not mentioned, then she should have a little bit more of a reaction or at least come up with an explanation for why she was there. Throughout your short piece she did not rationalize with herself at all as to why she was all of a sudden in a different world.
I do, however, like that she asked about her double and found out she was talking to him. That is very effective literary device in raising a readers interest and making them want to read more, and it most certainly did make me want to read on. As well as the unanswered question of what will be a result of her and Carter falling into the mirror world. They were both very intriguing and seem to set up into what would seem a very interesting and excitingly fast paced story. So I believe that with some careful editing and reworking, you can have yourself here a beautiful piece, and eventually story!
P.S I loved how playful and natural the realtionship between Carter and Aryanna felt! Emphasis on the natural part, very relatable and real.
My sister and I took turns reading this for fun--and boy did we have FUN!! You did capture my interest, and my sister's as well.
Now, I just have to say, every now and then what bothered me was the repeated words and explanations. And she did NOT ask too many questions--plus, why wouldn't you ask a billion questions when you're in another world?
Also, I want to feel more of a connection with Aryanna, and Carter.
Pleasent time reading it, want to know what's going to happen next!!! You are a good mood setter as well!
Good Job!!
I have to say when I first clicked on this I thought it was going to be rather cliche. I was pleasently surprised. Though you have this set as a short story this seems more liek a prologue to something greater that is just waiting to be finished. Let me know if you have more of this story I would like to know what happens to Carter, Arty, and Aryanna.
Hey, EatSleepRead here. WELCOME TO YWS!!!
Keep writing! I love this story.

Okay, I really love this story and where it's headed, but some parts made me really confused because the progress in the story went a little too fast. One part, she's having a playful fight with her best friend, and the next she's suddenly looking for him? I don't mean to be harsh or anything, but maybe slow down a little. This is first person, which means you have the advantage of pouring out every single thought in her head. Use it! Let her think about all of the unreal things that are happening to her. It's definitely not normal when you fall through a random portal into another world, let alone a mirror world, right? Maybe elaborate on that, and talk about the relationship between Carter and Aryanna. Maybe background info about that?
I'm also really curious on the whole mirror world part. It's really interesting. If you do end up writing more about this, talk about the world, too.
Hope I've helped!
Until then... Keep reading and writing!
~Renee
One thing I look for in a first chapter is a strong sense of place, and this chapter failed to deliver on that front. Before a reader can prepare to make a journey with the protagonist, it's nice to have a good idea of the starting point. That should be clear enough. But this didn't seem to have any real starting point, as it leapt between seemingly disconnected locations so much that by the end, I honestly didn't know where I was. The steps in your protagonist's journey must be clear and concrete, and skipping some of the minor, confusing stuff like the in-between rooms might help to facilitate the baby steps of your plot, in that regard.
And segueing into my next point, which is that this was really, really confusing, and I think the best thing to do with this chapter is to slow it down, and give your reader some breathing space and time to adjust to your setting and your characters. Diving in prematurely is tempting, definitely, because all the opening, introductory crap can be pretty boring. But you have to remember: you need that introductory crap in order to fully enjoy the more exciting parts, because by then you know your protagonist better than you know yourself, and hopefully, so does the reader.
So, slow this down. Expand the first scene with the car wash. Let us get to know the characters of Carter and Aryanna. I'd even dedicate the whole first chapter to that scene, maybe introduce a couple more characters (parents, etc.), and then conclude with the falling through the puddle thing. I love cliffhangers. That's what I'd do.
Good luck revising.
-Kafka