z

Young Writers Society


12+

Different

by Hayleyhank


Different

They disgusted me.

Shoving fistfuls of gray mush with their hot, fleshy, pink sausages into their gaping holes. The air was filled with a chorus of sipping and slurping and digesting. It made me want to vomit until I passed out, so I wouldn’t have to suffer.

They’re also the ones who looked down on you from their high, two headed horses under disfigured noses. Talked to you like a poor sinner. I wish they would have just pulled their bottom lips over their heads, swallowing their words. Whoring out their unwanted advice like dirty pennies.

I never asked for their help.

I never asked for their advice.

But they came

And gave me pills for the pain.

The pills turned me into a puppet with strings; trained me to act like them. No. “To behave like a normal human being.” I wanted to ask them what being “normal” meant, but I was too doped up to speak correctly. I slurred like zombie. The petite nurse with a burned white suit, perfect blonde curls and rosy cheeks just patted my thin yellow hand, softly gave me encouragement, spoke as if loud words would shatter my dry skin and destroy my secondhand soul.

I just sat there in a torn red armchair covered in a cream blanket made of dead skin while the T.V blared a PBS program about birds. I wished I was a bird, with their elegant curved beaks and their intellectual eyes. They can’t be swayed from their written purpose, not by colored rags, bloody rocks or creative titles. They have an important mission. God told them “Birds, please protect the skies and observe Satan’s creatures.”The birds would look at him with glassy eyes, heads askew, opening up soft, wispy wings and slap the air.

If I were a bird, I would soar high until my wings brushed the delicate veil of heaven. My shady fine wings would arch about the flimsy clouds casting great dark shadows on the people below. I would feel the powerful gust of breath upon my fluffed breast, the halo of light heating my feathers when I’m free. I once flew. I glided out of my nest and silently landed. I suppose they didn’t want me to fly away or perhaps they were afraid the others would become jealous, for they clipped my wings and destroyed my nest. I perched there with my wings tucked and thought about being normal. I wrote down a list of normal things I’ve learned from them in my head.

People went to work every day despite their hatred for it.

They were friends with people they despised.

They settle down and have children, living through them.

They preached the word of god, stepping on tattered hands and feet.

If only I acted differently. If only I blended in better. They could sense when you were different. Like wolves hunting down their prey. They didn’t like different. Different scared them. It should. They never use that word. They’d say, “you’re just special,” “you’re just unique.” They’d look at you with those murky eyes, but you knew what they were really thinking.

I hate them. They’re the ones who are different. They’re grotesque, vile, revolting and horrendous. Everything I wish I could be.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 690
Reviews: 2

Donate
Thu Aug 08, 2013 9:44 pm
Emmie wrote a review...



Hey!!!
First of all I would like to say that I really liked the ideas in your story! I have never read anything like it before (which is amazing because I read a lot) and would be thrilled to read something like it again!! I just have a few comments that might help to make your story a little better.
The spacing/paragraph formation is a little odd (eg starting a new paragraph in the middle on a sentence). This probably wasn't your fault (I've seen it before) but if you fixed it it would make your amazing story easier to read.
You are quite vague about who the main character is. Now, this can be a very effective tool because it makes the character relatable for more people but if you are too vague it can be confusing. You are a tiny bit unclear so try and find your happy medium :-)
This is just a suggestion that you can take or leave but in my opinion the ending would be stronger if you brought him/her back to "reality". It makes the reader feel more satisfied, like they have not only had dinner but dessert too and we all know that dessert is usually a good thing. ;-)
So, overall I loved the philosophical elements of the story and the metaphors but every piece of writing could be improved in some way.
Thanks for letting me review your piece!
Emmie




Hayleyhank says...


First off, thank you for the review.
The issue with the spacing, some of it is intentional and the rest I blame the strange word pad this website provides. I find it especially enjoys tormenting me odd spacing and randomly clumping lines close together. I will edit this as best as I can.
I wanted to make the main character vague, so the reader could place themselves in the characters shoes. Because at one time or another, we've all felt different, perhaps too different to fit into society. I created this piece as a sort of comforting thought for those who are feeling that way, that just because you are different doesn't mean you are alone.
I suppose I could've fattened up the last paragraph, but I always feel like its better leaving the reading wanting more then being stuffed.
Thank you again for the review, and I hope to hear more from you in my next stories.



Emmie says...


I know what you mean about the word pad and I could usually tell when it was intentional (and those times I liked it). About the character and last paragraph: they are really great the way they are, my suggestions were for if you weren't doing it on purpose. I can't wait to read more of your work!!



User avatar


Points: 344
Reviews: 3

Donate
Wed Aug 07, 2013 7:17 pm
SmileAndWorry says...



Wow. I just love this. I love how her problems are turned into a story .A story about being free, uniqueness . The ending is meaningful and I cant think of anyway improve it.




Hayleyhank says...


Thank your for your review, it really helps me.



User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 597
Reviews: 14

Donate
Wed Aug 07, 2013 4:06 am
novelist wrote a review...



I was confused at first when she/he wanted to be like the others the narrator despised, but I kinda get it, how she/he would prefer to fit in than be different from the rest. Still I would rather be different in a good way than be gross or act like a animal, if that were me.
Why is the style of typing like a poem? It was difficult to read with all the extra spacing. But really it was a good story, it just needed to be edited.
It was getting a little strange when she/he started imagining what it would be like to be a bird and stuff-- which reminds me, God didn't tell the birds to quote, "protect the skies and watch Satan's creatures." Not according to my Bible, anyway, which is the King James version. Of course it doesn't matter if you changed it on purpose. If I'm wrong about my assumption then, well--I'm not perfect.
Anyway, the end was quite good. It was a completely unexpected turn the narrator gave me that put the whole story in a new perspective. And it was entertaining, so good job, Hayleyhank.




Hayleyhank says...


First off thank you for the review.
I apologize for the spacing, some of it was intentional and the rest I blame on the word pad this web site provides. It always seems to torment me by not cooperating.
With the ending, have you ever heard the phrase, " Ignorance is bliss." That's the direction I was going for.
Thank you for pointing out where God told the birds, " Protect the skies and watch Satan's creatures." I think your actually the first person to note on that, I'm pretty sure God didn't talk to any animals at all. I used method to show how disillusioned the character was from reality.
Again, thank you for your review, and I hope to hear more from you in my other stories.



User avatar
68 Reviews


Points: 505
Reviews: 68

Donate
Tue Aug 06, 2013 2:43 pm
cgirl1118 wrote a review...



Oh my this was great!

First off I loved every second of this! I loved how you described everything so perfectly. The part where you describe how you are a bird is just amazing. I congratulate you on that.

Also this part, "Shoving fistfuls of gray mush with their hot, fleshy, pink sausages into their gaping holes. The air was filled with a chorus of sipping and slurping and digesting. It made me want to vomit", almost made me want to vomit.

But that's alright...I think. Ok nevermind my weirdness...

This was amazing! Keep up the good work!




Hayleyhank says...


Thank you for your review. I'm glad you enjoyed it, though I hope you really didn't vomit.
I hope to hear more from you in my other stories.



User avatar
189 Reviews


Points: 398
Reviews: 189

Donate
Tue Aug 06, 2013 8:10 am
manisha wrote a review...



Greetings Hayley.
manisha here to review!

Firstly, I liked this. You have a good writing style. I also loved the concept you are trying to convey. How the world sees people who are 'different' and tries to morph them into one of the "normal" people. You used strong emotions here to convey the MC'c hatred towards those kind of people.

If I were a bird, I would soar high until my wings brushed the delicate veil of heaven

Beautiful imagery.
Though your emotions are good I want to see more about the MC. Who exactly are the people he is talking about. What made him want to be like them. Something for the reader so that they can connect more to him.
Overall, it was good. I liked it!

-manisha




Hayleyhank says...


Thank you for your review.
I left the MC vague, because I wanted the reader to place themselves in the MC's shoes. To fill in the missing information with their own past experiences. In this piece it's all about the emotions, feelings that at one point or another we've all experienced.
Thank you again, Manisha, and I hope to hear more from you in my other stories.



User avatar
763 Reviews


Points: 3888
Reviews: 763

Donate
Tue Aug 06, 2013 5:56 am
Lava wrote a review...



Hi there!

It's quite a nice, short interesting piece. I do like it! :) The play on perception is a pretty awesome thing!

So a couple of comments:

Well, the first thing that I noticed was you started of amazingly well. I like the interspersion of short sentences while describing the atmosphere. I'm not sure if the line breaks are intentinal, if yes; it's a good one!

But, I noticed that as you progressed the style became more of a 'telling' description rather than what you'd started with. The transition was awkward in my head, while reading; and I think you can really edit the second part. The description becomes boring with things like I did, they did etc.

The parallels with the bird is interesting. I do think a little bit of emotion worked into the narration would work well. In the sense that, try to make the narration brought on by the emotional tug your MC is going through.

I quite liked the end.

Thanks for a good read!
Cheers!




Hayleyhank says...


First off, thank you for your review.
When it comes to the spacing, some of it's intentional and the rest I blame on the word pad this web site provides. I find it especially likes to torment me by not cooperating.
In regards to the second part, I'll take another gander at it and see if I can fix it. Thank you for pointing this problem out.
I left the MC vague, because I wanted the reader to place their past experiences into the MC's shoes, therefore it be like the reader was experiencing the emotions firsthand.
Again thank you for the review, Lava, I hope I'll hear more from you in my other stories.




We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
— Arthur O'Shaughnessy