Published September 27, 2011
Back, back, back against the wall, wall, wall.
Clawing at the river, I ached for it all.
For the grey filth to swallow me, not the other way around.
For the bright white light to beckon me, as I drown,
drown,
drown.
Again I yielded, the thought top dark to bare,
I never did, I never could muster the will to dare.
For that sea, for the, silence, for the current to flop me ‘round.
A cold dead thing, floating to the
ground.
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140,633 Literary Works • 673,571 Reviews
I don't think you were harsh at all, I do think it is a little imature, especially for a poem dealing with something so defining.
You're a good critic, I'm glad to see someone be honest and to the point.
I will certainly take note of your criticism and make changes accordingly
Okay so this isn't bad, it isn't great either. I think the main issue with this is the lack of clear imagery. But, that been said, there doesn't seem to be vague imagery either. Rather a set of related thoughts, that don't show us much at all. You take care to complete simple rhymes but at what cost? I think this is ranty and juvenile -- harsh I know -- but with some minor tweaking this could be bold and mature.
Lines like
Are exactly what is bringing this poem down. Not only is it literal and extremely limited, it doesn't evoke a powerful image, but falls flat. I know it's harsh, but this really needs a closer eye. Pick out the naggy parts that don't add a great deal and fix them. I will bold the errors that I found lacklustre
.
Anyway hope I wasn't too harsh, and good luck
JP
You're certainly right! I need to change it to: 'too dark to bare'
Glad that you like it
Hi there!
This is a really good poem. It flows well and has good emotion. I like it because, evern though it's Dramatic Poetry, it still seems to be telling a story. But it's telling a story through the narrator's thoughts. There's a single voice that is describing its fate to us. I really like how you repeated the first and last words of the first line. It gives the poem a certain rhythm. It almost sounds like a song.
Shouldn't it be 'too dark' and 'too bare'? I'm pretty sure it should be because you're describing the thought, yes? Sometimes I don't really understand what someone's trying to say in their poems so I don't want to suggest something that's completely different than what you wanted it to be.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!