Published September 27, 2011
Ach!
Again!
Do it again,
put more pressure on
me darling. Skin me
Softly,
like the fox on the hook
hang me, limp as a rose
I want you to do it properly.
Don’t be sloppy
about it, let the flesh roll.
Treat me like a virgin,
take your time,
split me slowly.
Keep the mind
on the prize, my dear;
you’ll soon reap
the rewards. Iron and wine
running
down me like a Jew. But
I’m no hanger man,
not quite, not at all.
A masochist; a murderer, perhaps.
My body the
temple, my filthy mind,
the bars. The box is filling -
our cube of gas,
but you: my key to freedom.
You’ve been used
before, several times, in fact.
Dirty, wretched, pretty
thing, I’ll have you by the neck.
Ouch! You slit me! Now you’re doing it right.
Again, again! I beg! Again! I want it hard, like a punch,
I want it hard! Fist my wrist, spread me open you bastard.
You’re not my first, but you’ll be my last.
The climax, the peak. The bloody edge for sure. I’m slipping over, I’m at the end.
You left me
on
the
floor.
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141,758 Literary Works • 675,699 Reviews
Thanks I'm glad you both like it
I'm a bit twisted, but I love this poem. Part of me wanted to look away, but the part of me that liked it read it again. I liked your imagery, but what really pulled me in was your language. I liked the way that you could use such pretty language for something that makes me disgusted when I think about it. I like the parrelell between the orgasm and the suicide. It's very unique and I can see it very clearly.
I would fix the meat line; that one just ruined the whole prettiness concept. I would also work on the flow because sometimes it was very difficult to read. Over all, I loved it, but there were just a few rough patches. Good job and this is an instant like!
Ach!
Again!
Do it again,
put more pressure on
me darling. Skin me
Softly,
like the poor this line and the following line don't flow well, they seem thrust into the poem
festive turkey.
I want you to do it properly. I like this, it's like you're daring the person a bit
Don’t be sloppy
about it, let the meat roll. 'meat' is almost a vulgar word compared to your sweetly sinister wording
Treat me like a virgin,good
take your time,
split me slowly.
Keep your mind 'your' was repeated too close together. Sometimes you can get away with it, but not here.
on the prize, my dear;
you’ll soon reap
the rewards. Iron and wine Great, indirect way of saying blood, amiright?
running
down me like a Jew. But
I’m no Nazi, if you think about another, more creative way to say 'nazi' i think it will help your poem here
not quite, not at all.
A masochist; a murderer,
perhaps. My body the temple. nice alliteration. I don't like 'perhaps' being in this line
temple, my filthy mind,
the bars. The bars don't repeat 'bars'
that keep me locked inside, a bit cliche
and you: the key to freedom.
You’ve been used
before, several times, in fact.
Dirty, wretched, pretty good! very unusual
thing, I’ll have you by the neck. good, tie sin perfectly with the line above
Ouch! You slit me! Now you’re doing it right.
Again, again! I beg! Again! I want it hard, like a punch,
I want it hard! Fist my wrist , spread me open you bastard the rhyme was ineffective here.
You’re not my first, but you’ll be my last. eh this line is cliche
The climax, the peak. The bloody edge for sure. I’m slipping over, I’m at the end. this is a lack luster ending, the wording is too common, though i like the formatting a lot
You left me
on
the
floor.
Good luck and keep writing!
-KatTrain