Published September 27, 2011
They say I killed him, the horned ones;
murdered Moloch. Slew the
monster, that’s what they say.
Voices scraping across my skin, like gravel,
through cell bars.
Took him screaming
from the bed and torched the bitch;
feet first so he couldn't run,
then his hands.
Roasted him alive.
They say it was slow, like burning wood.
Tied to the banister, he was helpless.
Poor thing.
It is said that he pleaded; gasped
charcoal clouds of I’m sorry into the air.
A few hours it took for the bones to collapse into dust.
I was found standing above the heap, breathing slowly.
Arms above your head, they said.
I opened up ash covered lips:
He deserved it.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
Thank you all for your comments! Yes, I do seem to forget that I am writing for an audience, and they aren't going to know what exactly I mean unless I write it that way, so I'm sorry for that and will see that I amend it where ever possible. It's all so exciting to have this feedback, I love knowing what other people think because it inspires positive change
Haus, (can I call you Haus?) I think most of the comments I made about your last poem can be asserted here. With exception to the comment about the lack of imagery. Well done, you did a little better with this here. Lines like
spring to mind. This was a great line, best I have seen from you. But it almost reads like prose and still is very telly. You would do well to draw an image from They. That is to say, you simply tell us that They say but you could find a more original way of saying this still, induce a rhythm, a beat.
I don't know, I'm no poet. But you get the message I'm sure. Also the last line is particularly weak. It is so clichéd and tired, I think I know the effect you were after, but you missed it. To be simple, and contrasting, to be plain yet catatonic, you need to find a phrase that is concise, but utterly original. Something like.
(I did mention I'm no poet, right?) But you see what I mean I hope? It conveys the lack of regret, and is a little more original, and still plays upon the images that are already present in the poem.
JP
Hi there!
I totally agree with emmylou. I believe that his poem could've used more background information. I'm not really sure what's going on, why this person is being killed, whether it's justified or if it's simply murder. Other than that, I really like the amount of imagery you put into this. Sure it creeped me out a bit, but I'd take that over no imagery any day.
Overall this is a dark poem, but you made it work. Keep writing!
This was a very interesting poem. I liked it. For one, I think you could go into more detail about what is going on. Who is the man, who is the killer? Why are they killing the man? Do they have a past together? Son and father, student and teacher, husband and wife? Give the reader more to work with because here, all we have is that this guy is getting murdered.
Personally, I think you could start the poem a little clearer. Put some back story there. And the end definatley needs more bang. The last sentance has more of a childish "it was his fault" sound to it, and it does not work with the graveness of the poem. Make it something with more of a twist. Like if they were husband and wife, leave the back story out and end it with "And now our love was finally destroyed" or such.
It was good, kind of dark, but I think it has great potential. Add some back story and more details about setting ahnd character and you will be golden.
Great Job,
Emmy