Hey Hassan!
Dialogue tags such as "he said" and "informed my dad" (from the beginning of your story) should be in the same paragraph as the dialogue. I'm not sure if that's a mistake that occured while posting, or if at the beginning you purposefully put the dialogue and the dialogue tag in seperate paragraphs. Either way, keep them connected.
He paused for a while and the news we got after that was devastating;
Here you need to use a colon and not a semi-colon. You do this in several other places in the story, and it's an incorrect use of a semi-colon.
Anyway, this story has a touching storyline that you are approaching, but the issue here is that these are events without any description of characters or setting. Only things are happening, and the reader is given no clue into what this family is actually like outside the fact that they're going through a family travesty right now. There needs to be description of what the father is like, what the mother is like, and the child. Right now, we only have snippets of their dialogue that is only related to the actions in the story, and not really any interaction with each other too much. You need to add more dimensions to the characters, give them personalities that show in their interactions throughout the story.
For instance, as the events happen, focus on what the child is experiencing. What is he thinking when he hears the news? As he sits with his family? And include setting descriptions and sensory details. What does the child see, smell, hear, touch as he goes through the diagnosis of his mother? All these details allow us to get into the child's experience and the events begin to touch the reader through this.
Also, you don't always capitalize your I's. Try to be consistent with capitalization; it looks amateurish to have uncapitalized letters in your writing. Easily fixed though.
PM me with questions.
~ Clo
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