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Young Writers Society



(LMSVI) The Ruptured Shadow, Chapter 2.1

by KateHardy


Chapter Two

When You Get a Notification from That One App You Forgot Was There

(Serafina)

Serafina did her best to keep pace with Mr. Sanders. For someone who always looked like he was about to sit down and have a cup of tea while reading a book of poetry, he could walk with quite a bit of purpose.

As they walked through the halls they’d just come through to reach the room, Serafina chanced a glance back at Safi. She’d been very silent ever since they’d successfully broken into that room and Serafina wasn’t sure if she should be worried or terrified. She hadn’t spent nearly enough time around the girl to get to know her properly in the academy but if there was one thing she knew, it was that Safi knew how to get things done.

Safi had seemed a bit shy in their brief interactions, but surely, she wasn’t one to be that quiet during a meeting that important. Either something was wrong on a level Serafina could not see, or Safi had something planned to cement her place, one that maybe wasn’t going to involve Serafina keeping her own place. Part of her suggested that all of these thoughts were clearly just Serafina being more paranoid than she had a right to be in this situation, but those instincts had kept her alive this long. She couldn’t dismiss them just because Safi was incredibly good at looking perfectly harmless.

She did her best to throw those thoughts on the backburner as they took a turn that Serafina didn’t recognize. There were heading away from the general lobby now, to areas where the public wasn’t allowed to be in. The décor surprisingly didn’t change too much. It seemed no one had bothered to actually get an interior designer for any of this if the flat colors and unflattering lighting was anything to judge by.

In fact, the lighter oddly seemed to get darker and darker the deeper in they went. As much as the lack of decorations could be explained away by the fact that this organization had a lot more on its hands than hanging nice paintings on the wall, the lack of light was a little startling. Surely a place like this would prioritize the ability to see. The only positive about the increasingly dimmer blue lights that lit up their path was their color. Serafina was pretty sure blue was universally considered a color best suited to letting you focus and think clearly. Either that or whoever designed this was incredibly attached to the color blue.

She didn’t get too much longer to think on that however, because after two more turns into the unfamiliar corridors, Ray popped open a door, thankfully this one opening with the handle like any normal door should and gestured for them to follow.

Serafina rushed to hold the door before it slammed shut. Give their previous experience it was best not to let a door be shut until it was completely confirmed that they were actually going to be able to join this agency.

Pushing it open a little further, she held it for just a second longer than necessary as she walked in. She wasn’t going to hold the door open for Safi, but then she wasn’t cruel enough to let it just shut in her face, at least not yet. Safi hadn’t exactly done anything to suggest she had nefarious intentions.

“Thank you,” came the now increasingly familiar voice from behind her. Serafina nearly cursed. She tries to be subtle and nonchalant and immediately there’s Safi thanking her, and it was the sort of tone that just would not let you walk away without acknowledging. This girl really could be a terror if she wanted to.

Serafina turned, smiling slightly at her. “Of course.”

The resulting smile surely didn’t need to be as large as it was. She’d just held a door open for like half a second, not saved her life. Doing her best to tear her eyes away from those blues eyes that somehow reminded her of a soft summer sky and a storm at the same time, Serafina turned towards Ray.

“Welcome to the situation room,” said Ray. “And before you say it, yes, we all know it’s a bit of a lazy name, but its direct so it works. Also, this is of course one of several and the lowest tier one to boot because naturally we want to start y’all off on something smaller to test your affinity for this job. Nothing to worry about. Just standard procedure that as Vankous likes to put it is to avoid the.” Ray paused for air quotes. “Legal pish posh.”

“That seems like a reasonable reason for that, “commented Serafina. She had absolutely no idea what that reason was supposed to mean or imply, but that seemed like the safest answer for the situation.

“Perfect,” said Ray, “so if you’ll well just sort of get in there and get accustomed to the area, that’d be great. Since you are a bit early, there’s…. well as you can quite clearly see… no one else here yet so you a great opportunity. I will be hanging around for a bit myself to introduce you to the rest of the team. Of course, I say team, but really there’s just two more people here. This one of our smallest situation rooms, which just had pretty much half of its original squad transfer up to the next tier so y’all are the replacements.”

“Great. Thank you, Ray.” Serafina tried to avoid showing the surprise in her voice as she used the nickname. That had escalated far quicker than she’d ever thought possible. What sort of special agent just goes by Ray to the new recruits.

“Brilliant. Ms. Vialena, anything you want to say or ask?” asked the man. Serafina instinctively turned towards Safi again. Surely the girl was going to respond to that. Ray sounded if anything like a college professor at the very worst. There was no reason for Safi to be too shocked to answer that.


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Sat Dec 17, 2022 1:57 am
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Spearmint wrote a review...



Hiya Harry, I'm finally here, following through on the review I promised in that first comment! xD And ooh, we get to see things from Serafina's perspective now? 0.0 Nice!
It was a little surprising and amusing to see how Serafina views Safi as a potential threat... although that is reasonable, considering the area they work in. (You never know who might be a double agent. >.>) I also appreciated being able to see more of this building!

So, on to some specifics...

When You Get a Notification from That One App You Forgot Was There

Okay, so first off, I know I said this already, but I absolutely love this title. xD It's giving me Rick Riordan vibes. =P

For someone who always looked like he was about to sit down and have a cup of tea while reading a book of poetry, he could walk with quite a bit of purpose.

That "always" kind of makes it seem like Sera's known Ray for a while, but I'm assuming that character information is just from whatever she's picked up in the little time she's known him...

In fact, the lighter oddly seemed to get darker and darker the deeper in they went.

I'm wondering whether this information will be relevant later. >.> Perhaps there's a certain ability that has to do with blue light? Or does the hallway transform somehow, and that's why there aren't any pieces of art on the walls??

Ray popped open a door, thankfully this one opening with the handle like any normal door should and gestured for them to follow.

Great callback to the "interview." xD

This girl really could be a terror if she wanted to.

Hmm, so Sera can be a little awkward too... xD And I find it rather hilarious that Sera thinks sweet, fluffy Safi could be a terror, lol. (Unless this version of Safi has some tricks hidden up her sleeve? 0.0)

The resulting smile surely didn’t need to be as large as it was. She’d just held a door open for like half a second, not saved her life. Doing her best to tear her eyes away from those blues eyes that somehow reminded her of a soft summer sky and a storm at the same time, Serafina turned towards Ray.

I really like this paragraph! The first sentence establishes how much Safi seems to appreciate the gesture without directly saying it. And the description of Safi's eyes is beautiful. <3 (Do I sense a possible crush in the future?? >.>)

“Welcome to the situation room,” said Ray. “And before you say it, yes, we all know it’s a bit of a lazy name, but its direct so it works.

Are... are we supposed to know what a situation room is? If I had to take a guess, I'd say it's like mission control or something? Or like the main room the agents work in? But I'm not sure.

Of course, I say team, but really there’s just two more people here.

Ooh, new characters? :3 Can't wait to meet them!

Thanks for the great chapter, and I hope you have a fantastic day/night! =D




KateHardy says...


Thank youuu for the review!!

xD Safi in this world just seems so adorable that everyone assumes she must have many secrets to hide...does she actually have any....that's... to be revealed later (by which I mean I haven't plotted that far yet lol)



Spearmint says...


Felt that xD



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Tue Nov 01, 2022 1:45 pm
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi again Harry!

First Impressions
The thing that stands out to me in this chapter is we’re finally seeing Serafina from inside her own head and also seeing Safi from an outside perspective! I thought some of Serafina’s POV was kind of surprising (though also not exactly if she’s the same character/ similar character to the one in the Magic School RP ^^’). I’m not sure what to expect from the situation room at the moment, but I’m interested to see what it shows us about this setting.

Characters
I think what this chapter seems to be building up to could be a relationship between Safi and Serafina?

The resulting smile surely didn’t need to be as large as it was. She’d just held a door open for like half a second, not saved her life. Doing her best to tear her eyes away from those blues eyes that somehow reminded her of a soft summer sky and a storm at the same time, Serafina turned towards Ray.

^ This bit in particular made me think that, though I was beginning to see it in how ‘suspicious’ / ‘paranoid’ Serafina seems to be about Safi’s behaviour as well. It felt slightly over the top, at least with Safi being described as “terrifying”, but I think if this is what you’re going for, the idea is getting across.
I think Serafina’s view of Safi in general is quite different from how Safi actually is. For instance, I think that comes across in the last line where she remarks there is “no reason” for Safi not to ask a question – but we all know how Safi feels about asking questions from the last chapter!

Plot
Something I think could be improved in getting the plot across could be changing up the way info is delivered to the protagonists? I mean, I like a spy-esque mission talk every once in a while, but it’s hard to imagine Raymond himself giving this talk to every interview candidate that passes the test, and it also involves a lot of dialogue that feels info-dumpy, since he can’t actually reveal what happens next (that would spoil the story) and he also has to talk about more ‘peripheral’ stuff, like:
This one of our smallest situation rooms, which just had pretty much half of its original squad transfer up to the next tier so y’all are the replacements.

Since it’s embedded into the rest of the dialogue and Serafina doesn’t react to it (instead she talks about Raymond’s nickname) it feels like it’s not very important and doesn’t get me thinking about how it will play into the action. I hope that makes sense, and let me know if not!

Overall
I like the character development for both Serafina and Safi in this chapter. I’m looking forward to see their interaction in the next chapter (whether or not Safi decides to ask a question) and also how they’ll solve whatever problem that crops up in the situation room. Also, for some reason I only just noticed the chapter title xD It’s definitely interesting and makes me think the situation room will include a surprise.

Hope some of this helps, and feel free to ask for more feedback!
-Lim




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Mon Oct 10, 2022 4:22 am
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Spearmint says...



When You Get a Notification from That One App You Forgot Was There

Amazing title XDD

*adds this to list of things to review* >.>





These were autumn mornings, the time of year when kings of old went forth to conquest; and I, never stirring from my little corner in Calcutta, would let my mind wander over the whole world.
— Rabindranath Tagore, The Cabuliwallah