Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fanfiction

12+

Harry Potter and the Forgotten Power, Chapter 1

by HarryHardy


Chapter 1

A ripple in time

2320, 25th November 2001, Flight Deck, Timeship Tachyon, 100,000ft above Heathrow Airport, London, England, Earth, Dimension 36

"Is everyone in position?" asked The Darkness. He was at the controls of the massive ship.

He looked at the security camera feed of the airport on one of the many screens before him. He didn't see any of his agents. That was good. They'd picked good spots. The trackers on his agents showed their location on another screen.

"Lightning Storm in position."

"Captain Fusion in position."

"Hurricane Omega in position."

"Princess in position." As the four agents reported in one by one, he looked at the camera feed again. Nothing yet. He pressed transmit on his earpiece.

"Okay, as soon as I give the go ahead after acquiring targets, get in and get out," said The Darkness," Time window for each part of the mission is about 10miliseconds. We CAN….NOT mess this up. This is our one chance to try and fix this world so it doesn't become the mess that we saw it as." He kept one eye on the camera feed. Suddenly, he saw what he was looking for. He relayed the order.

"Lightning Storm, target 1, Remus Lupin, spotted. You are clear to engage." Faster than any human eye could see and a human brain could process, a blur of white lightning flashed, a figure ran out, circled Remus, then ran back out. Remus felt a tiny prick in his arm but he didn't really notice. The whole thing took only 8ms. A human brain must see an image for at least 13ms to be able to process it. No one in the airport saw a thing.

"Captain Fusion, target 2, Sirius Black, spotted. You are clear to engage." The Darkness relayed the second order. This time red lightning flashed and soon they had two samples.

"Hurricane Omega, target 3, Lily Potter, spotted. You are clear to engage," radioed The Darkness as he initiated the third part of the mission. A flash of green.

"Princess, target 4, James Potter, spotted. You are clear to engage," radioed The Darkness to the last agent waiting for orders. Pink lightning.

Just to confirm, The Darkness asked," Do you have all the samples required for the procedures?" He got positive responses from all four.

"Get back to the ship. Time for the next stage of the mission," he said. He turned towards the screens in front of him. He analyzed the clock that showed the mission time, the threat scanner that was currently empty and the message box to see if anyone had requested help. There was nothing. The Darkness turned to the largest screen at the center.

"Hydra, log out of the Heathrow Airport surveillance system and prep the ship for a time jump to October 15th 2002."

"Affirmative Captain Hardy," replied the ship's Authentic Intelligence system. The agents returned from the field and stood outside the location where they had left the ship.

"Darkness, we’ve arrived. Turn off the invisibility shield so we can get in," said Princess. The Darkness smirked. He took his time to get to the ship's weapon control area, just behind his seat. The shield was turned off and the four walked into the control room.

"Good job guys. That was perfectly done. That's the kind of surgical timeline editing I need to see happening. Right, all of you take a seat. We have to time jump soon and we need everyone to be on the flight deck. The next stage of the mission is about to start," said The Darkness, turning to one of the screens and pressing the intercom button.

"All agents report to the flight deck. We're time jumping in 30 seconds!" The team entered one by one, most of them running in and jumping into the seats like a bunch of six year olds about to leave on a field trip.

"Let's roll Hydra," said Captain Hardy and turned up the power from the engines. Sitting next to him, checking the ship's many instruments, was Princess. On his other side Temporal Navigator, Hurricane Omega, was double checking the date of the time jump. Behind them Engine Officer, The Reaper, was busy making sure nothing was malfunctioning. The ship shot forward. 

The temporal delineator hummed with blue energy and in a flash of green light the ship punched straight through the dimensional barrier entering 4th dimensional space. They traveled for a bit before in another flash of green light they appeared in London 2002 October 15th. The Darkness turned the ship in the direction of Asia and the massive ship glided smoothly towards its destination. A few minutes later, they were hovering over Sri Lanka as the ship slowed down to normal speed.

"Okay, for this stage Giganto, Frost Giant and Dr. Cerebro stay behind along with Princess and Captain Fusion," ordered The Darkness. The others left. He then turned to the rest of them.

"Okay guys this will take some careful work," he began," Fusion, you're staying on the ship and giving the orders. Frost, you teleport the blood sample and Cerebro, you have to help connect the child to the magic of the country and charge up the magical core. Giganto, you have to open a portal to allow the dimensional energies to flow in. Princess and I will use the blood to create magical cores for each child and awaken their latent magical power. And that's it. Let's get going."

Frost grabbed Cerebro by the arm and disappeared. Giganto opened a swirling vortex of red energy and stepped through. Princess and The Darkness stepped through identical doors of swirling blue energy. They all appeared in a bedroom where a baby just a day old lay asleep next to his mother. Giganto opened a portal. Cerebro chanted in Sinhala. Princess and Darkness chanted softy in Ancient Hydranese. Slowly a small glow emanated from the child. Using the blood of Remus Lupin the child's latent magic was awoken, along with several other dormant powers. Vankous' spell allowed the newly created magical core to suck up energy from the ambient magic of Sri Lanka.

Chudnofsky radioed in," Area clear Darkness. Dr. Cerebro the magic in the area is getting sucked up quite fast. Try to slow the speed a little. Giganto, the dimensional energy flow rate is perfect. Keep it up." 10 minutes later the process was complete and the child was now the first wizard in Sri Lanka after the extinction of the magical population in 1943. They got back to the ship.

"Perfect everyone," said Captain Hardy," next place is on 27th January 2003."

Another time jump and then the same procedure repeated saw the number of magical beings increasing to three. Another had been born naturally on October 24th 2002. After this they traveled to 12th April 2003 and repeated the process on two others finishing their mission. As the final touches were applied to the final child, an acknowledging flash of lightning signified that the magic of Sri Lanka had accepted the four new wizards.

When they got back they saw that an anachronism had popped up in Nottinghamshire, England, 1st December 1182, Earth, Dimension 42.

"Okay," started Captain Hardy," we created the necessary ripple in the sea of time. Hopefully the eventual tsunami of change will end up changing history for the better and not worse. We'll check the direction of the timeline every now and then and of course nudge it occasionally. Right now let's go deal with...this problem. He pointed at the message on the threat scanner. Who's up for dancing with some knights?"

With that, the massive ship jumped dimensions, the interdimensional extrapolators on the side of the bow emitting a flash of electric blue light. The whole ship appeared in Earth 42, then, in a flash of bright green light from the temporal delineator, appeared in 1182 and proceeded to Britain.

Meanwhile, in Sri Lanka 2003, the sky flashed with green lightning and roared with thunder as midnight fell, signifying the start of the timeline change.

Only time would tell if this story had a happy ending… 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
750 Reviews


Points: 44246
Reviews: 750

Donate
Mon Aug 10, 2020 3:11 pm
View Likes
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

I remember telling you I would read this if you posted it here, so here I am! (Also, I totally went and searched fanfiction.net for this after you told me it was there but I'm not at all familiar with the site so it took me like an hour...).

2320, 25th November 2001, Flight Deck, Timeship Tachyon, 100,000ft above Heathrow Airport, London, England, Earth, Dimension 36

Maybe pop this in italics or something? Just to emphasise it.

Is everyone in position?" asked The Darkness

I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE! (I don't know that you'll get this reference, lol)

"Lightning Storm in position," replied Lightning Storm.

"Captain Fusion in position," replied Captain Fusion.

"Hurricane Omega in position," replied Hurricane Omega.

I don't think you need the 'replied XXX' at the end of every sentence here...

Time window for each part of the mission is about 10ms

What's an ms? a minute? Or is it their own unit of measurement? I think you should use the full name here :)

"Affirmative Captain Hardy," replied the ship's Authentic Intelligence system.

Of course. Of course he's called Captain Hardy xD

The team entered one by one, most of them running in and jumping into the seats like a bunch of 6 year olds about to leave on a field trip.

I would write the number six out here.

Okay, I'm interested to see where you take this... I don't think it has as much of a hook as some of your other work but it's fanfiction so also not sure you need it to be as gripping! I know you've posted the next chapter so I'll get to that soon :)

Hope some of this was helpful!

Icy




HarryHardy says...


Thanks for the review Icy!!

I remember telling you I would read this if you posted it here, so here I am! (Also, I totally went and searched fanfiction.net for this after you told me it was there but I'm not at all familiar with the site so it took me like an hour...).


OUCH. Ask me for a link if you want to.

Maybe pop this in italics or something? Just to emphasise it.


Ooops I usually put these in bold. Forgot.

I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE! (I don't know that you'll get this reference, lol)


Actually didn't get that one.

I don't think you need the 'replied XXX' at the end of every sentence here...


Will go fix that immediately.

What's an ms? a minute? Or is it their own unit of measurement? I think you should use the full name here :)


That's a milisecond. I should probably use the full versions.

Of course. Of course he's called Captain Hardy xD


;)

I would write the number six out here.


I've consistently managed to forget this somehow. Urggh...MUST. NOT. FORGET. AGAIN.

Okay, I'm interested to see where you take this... I don't think it has as much of a hook as some of your other work but it's fanfiction so also not sure you need it to be as gripping! I know you've posted the next chapter so I'll get to that soon :)


Hmm...I guess this one was a little prologue like but...and I think I delayed the hook a bit in this one. You'll see what I mean when Chap 3 is up.

Hope some of this was helpful!


It certainly was.

Thanks again!!



HarryHardy says...


Thanks for the review Icy!!

I remember telling you I would read this if you posted it here, so here I am! (Also, I totally went and searched fanfiction.net for this after you told me it was there but I'm not at all familiar with the site so it took me like an hour...).


OUCH. Ask me for a link if you want to.

Maybe pop this in italics or something? Just to emphasise it.


Ooops I usually put these in bold. Forgot.

I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE! (I don't know that you'll get this reference, lol)


Actually didn't get that one.

I don't think you need the 'replied XXX' at the end of every sentence here...


Will go fix that immediately.

What's an ms? a minute? Or is it their own unit of measurement? I think you should use the full name here :)


That's a milisecond. I should probably use the full versions.

Of course. Of course he's called Captain Hardy xD


;)

I would write the number six out here.


I've consistently managed to forget this somehow. Urggh...MUST. NOT. FORGET. AGAIN.

Okay, I'm interested to see where you take this... I don't think it has as much of a hook as some of your other work but it's fanfiction so also not sure you need it to be as gripping! I know you've posted the next chapter so I'll get to that soon :)


Hmm...I guess this one was a little prologue like but...and I think I delayed the hook a bit in this one. You'll see what I mean when Chap 3 is up.

Hope some of this was helpful!


It certainly was.

Thanks again!!



IcyFlame says...


I believe in a thing called love is a song by a 90s band called The Darkness. Youtube it ;)



HarryHardy says...


Ohhh....:D



User avatar
53 Reviews


Points: 3997
Reviews: 53

Donate
Wed Jul 29, 2020 2:02 am
View Likes
brotherGeo wrote a review...



Hello Comrade!
An interesting take on a Harry Potter fanfic, but a good one nonetheless. Anyway on with the review.

"Lightning Storm in position," replied Lightning Storm.

"Captain Fusion in position," replied Captain Fusion.

"Hurricane Omega in position," replied Hurricane Omega.

"Princess in position," replied Princess.

This may sound weird but i don't think you need, 'replied [name]' after each introduction/report from your characters. it's fine grammar wise, but personally it doesn't really need to be there. You don't have to do this of course its just an opinion.

"Captain Fusion, target 2, Sirius Black, spotted. You are clear to engage." The Darkness relayed the second order. This time red lightning flashed and soon they had two samples.

"Hurricane Omega, target 3, Lily Potter, spotted. You are clear to engage," radioed The Darkness as he initiated the third part of the mission. A flash of green.

"Princess, target 4, James Potter, spotted. You are clear to engage," radioed The Darkness to the last agent waiting for orders. Pink lightning.

Just to confirm, The Darkness asked," Do you have all the samples required for the procedures?" He got positive responses from all four.

I wonder what they are going to do with these samples, this an interesting adaption of a Harry Potter fanfic.

"Perfect everyone," said Captain Hardy," next place is on 27th January 2003."

As i have nitpicked on other reviews you need to watch your quotation marks starting a space before the sentence they contain.

the child was now the first wizard in Sri Lanka after the extinction of the magical population in 1943. They got back to the ship

Its interesting to see what happened to witches and wizards in other nations, in the Harry Potter universe. This adds to the plot a lot i'm very excited for the next chapter now.

Overall a really well written chapter, it flowed like water which is great too. Personally i think the blending of Harry Potter and sci-fi will be really interesting. and i'm looking forward to reading the next chapter.
Keep writing!
-brotherGeo




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!!
I gotta fix those dialogue tags soon and the quotations.
Glad you like it....
Thanks again!!



User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 2378
Reviews: 22

Donate
Tue Jul 28, 2020 5:02 pm
View Likes
deleted18 says...



Greetings, fellow author!

As this is quite a short chapter (at least by my standards) I will take the liberty of dissecting it in great detail, hopefully providing you with appropriate feedback. I'll also be using my newly found knowledge in formatting, so huzzah!

From the beginning, a rule of thumb for chapter titles and titles in general. Every word that is longer that isn't a preposition or conjunction is capitalised. Therefore, we have 'A Ripple in Time.' It's not wrong to do it your way (stylistic choices exist), but I am merely informing you of certain conventions.

[...] see any of his agents. That was good. They'd picked good spots. The trackers on his agents showed their location on another screen.


Be mindful of repetitions, please. Using the same word in quick succession and not in an epiphora/anaphora is a little bothersome and shows poor vocabulary. This happens several times as well, but I just gave the first example I saw. Try avoiding this where you can. Same goes for the next sentences. You can omit the 'replied X' and keep everything the same and not only does it sound better, but it still makes sense. When you say they all reported in one by one, it makes sense each of them was calling their own callsign.

He pressed transmit [...]


Usually when you describe things by what is literally written on them, you use single quotes. E.g. : He wrote 'love me' in blood red ink.

Furthermore, at times the dialogue feels a little...clunky. E.g. :

"Okay, as soon as I give the go ahead after acquiring targets, get in and get out,"


A good rule for dialogue is to read it aloud. If it sounds good, then it's usually good, if not, then it needs rewriting. Another rule is to try and think if this is natural. Many times the characters are kind of...expositioning all over us. Like the "surgical time editing" bit. The narrator does that too, sometimes, a good example is the image processing speed bit.

At the same time, at some point paragraphs become just bombarded with notions, names and terminology that just becomes overwhelming. I appreciate worldbuilding, but it should be done gradually, otherwise it feels clunky and no one will remember a bit of it. For example, I already forgot the names of half the characters and I remember they spoke some language, but I can't remember which was which, and this is what you should try to avoid.

Overall, I believe that this chapter needs a lot of polish. The flow of the story is very abrupt and the ex-abrupto type incipit would benefit a little more clarity. Try to tone down the Sci-Fi factor, it's very hard to read at times, and try giving characters more than names and actions. I sincerely can't say anything about any of the people involved other than names, they don't feel like they have any traits or personality to them, and that's not ideal.

I hope you didn't find my review too harsh and I have given you some pointers. If you require any clarification, you can always ask for more:)




HarryHardy says...


Thanks for the review!!
What you've run into here is a prologue that was too long and detailed to be called a prologue.
This has nothing to do with the story or its characters actually. If you forgot their names and detected no personality that means I did my job correctly because that was kind of the point. The terminology and the abruptness all intentional choices to do exactly that.
The grammar stuff was very helpful...thanks for that...I try to check but you only have so much time.
And no you weren't too harsh.
Thanks again!!



HarryHardy says...


And I don't get what you meant about the dialogue...if those bits weren't there would you have understood anything going on?



deleted18 says...


What I meant about the dialogue being too much exposition wasn't that it was unneeded, I meant that there are better, more accepted ways of giving that information, dialogue being at the very bottom. You can have it told sequentially, break it down in-between scenes, or find ways to show it through actions, characters, descriptions, etc. Otherwise it feels like a teacher telling you about a novel and its plot. Now you're the author, not the teacher.



HarryHardy says...


Oh okay....I just don't have time for that in this plot. That was all that was needed to get a sense of what went on there. Breaking it down over multiple chapters isn't an option because these characters only ever get a full scene in this first chapter. They aren't part of the story not really anyway.



User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 1620
Reviews: 22

Donate
Tue Jul 28, 2020 4:02 pm
View Likes
Andrewknorpp wrote a review...



Hey Harry! Andrew here for your review.
I think this was a fun way to interact with the Harry Potter story. Sci-fi and time travel elements could really be interesting. This story did the secret-agent-spy thing very well. And I'm excited to see where it goes. Overall it feels a tad rushed, but besides that it's great.
Let's get into specifics!

"Darkness, we’ve arrived. Turn off the invisibility shield so we can get in," said Princess. The Darkness smirked. He took his time to get to the ship's weapon control area, just behind his seat. The shield was turned off and the four walked into the control room.

This confuses me a bit, I'm not sure what's going on. Maybe consider rewriting.
Dimension 42.

I detect a Hitchighkers guide to the galaxy fan
"Okay," started Captain Hardy," we created the necessary ripple in the sea of time. Hopefully the eventual tsunami of change will end up changing history for the better and not worse. We'll check the direction of the timeline every now and then and of course nudge it occasionally. Right now let's go deal with...this problem. He pointed at the message on the threat scanner. Who's up for dancing with some knights?"

I'm assuming you wanted to close the quote before he pointed and start it up again after?
But that's all just my two cents!
Besides that its pretty fun, I don't read much fanfic but I enjoyed this, and I really like the magic blood idea!
Thanks, and keep writing.




HarryHardy says...


Thanks for the review!!
Ahh...I'll look into it.
Uh huh...haven't read that book but I have heard about it.
Yes....and I forgot...of course I did. ;)
Thanks again!! :D




This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
— Winston Churchill