By H. G. Dinius
The desert wind blew slightly,
Flowing through the pillars of the temple,
They prepare for the countdown none too lightly,
She setting the box down upon the table,
The horror soon to be unleashed.
He takes the switch in his hand,
Her fingers curling ‘round the clasp,
He presses the button at command,
The latch is undone,
The horror soon to be unleashed.
The countdown begins at ten,
The lid is clutched by the paws of curiosity,
As the clock hits one the scene is beheld by awaiting men,
Lifted ever so slowly as shades are drawn and the room darkens,
The horror soon to be unleashed.
The spectacle is bright and loud,
The shapes of screaming terror filling her wide eyes,
The men know not to feel scared or proud,
She knows she has done wrong,
The horror has been unleashed.
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Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I would like to begin on how you have incorporated pandora's box with a bomb is amazing as it is and how the tone of this poem makes everything smooth. i am sure everyone know the tale of Pandora and how she opened a box and every evil things lept out of the box? Well, you my friend, have made it into something greater since you have describe how everyone is feeling; the girl with her wide eyes, the men don't know whether to feel glad or scared. Also how the reader could use imagery to imagine the box opening and all of these monsters pop out, engulfing anything in their path.
The tone of this is suspenseful since you don't know what could happen next for Pandora as she opened the boxed. The reader would ask questions; like what will happen?
I really enjoyed this poem and hope that you write more.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Hello, Harrug!
feel more like a cause and effect rather than two different entities feeling different things about symbolically the same thing.Since you have so few reviews on this, I thought I'd give you a nice long one.
So there are two stories here, from what I'm reading. We have the traditional "Pandora's Box" tale intertwined with a more modern setting with the bomb. You should separate the two with a visual device. I might align the two stories differently. The woman's story could be left aligned, and the bomb right aligned, or perhaps italicize one of them and leave the other. Right now, several of the transitions between the lines imply that the story is the same (which it is, but it isn't). For example, the lines
I suggest you take out the rhyme completely. A lot of your rhymes sound forced, and it would sound pretty good without the rhyme.
Now I will talk to you about the thing that compelled me to write this review. Your poem is infested with passive voice. Passive voice is the eschewing of active verbs. Examples of active verbs include ran, flew, dodged, somersaulted, saw, heard, etc. There are only a few passive verbs, and the biggest one, the one you used throughout your poem is "to be." To be is the infinitive of the verb, and you not only use the infinitive, but other forms of it as well. "Is" is a form of "to be," especially when used in front of the direct object.
Passive voice can also be identified by adding "by zombies" at the end of the sentence. If it makes grammatical sense, chances are, it's in passive voice.
Avoiding passive voice is not difficult at all, and really should be avoided because it creates stagnancy in the piece of literature in question. Rearranging the sentence and adding active verbs is how you fix it. Instead of beginning with the object something/someone is acting upon, start with the thing acting upon it. For example, instead of saying "the latch is undone," you should say "She unfastens the latch", or something to that effect. I don't know who unfastened the latch because it is in passive voice.
Below are a list of the lines in which passive voice occurs.
You use this several times, so I'll let this stand for all occurrences of the line.
With this one, just move the subject (the paws of curiosity) to the beginning of the sentence.
I have a few other nitpicks, as well.
Setting should be "sets"
Curling should be "curl"
The way this is worded makes it feel a bit melodramatic. Try saying "curious paws" instead.
What is lifted ever so slowly?
How does terror and screaming create something visual? Instead of saying this, show us what she's seeing, rather than telling us this generalization.
This line was confusing. How are they supposed to feel, then?
I hope that you find this review helpful to you! Happy writing!
To have written this on a whim it's very impressive. Whether it was written on a whim or not you can tell it does have some meaning behind it. In a way it has a natural flow to it, and describes what she's feeling extremely well. It may have been on a whim but that shows that you have talent. I hope you keep writing, I'm looking forward to more of your works.
That was so cool! I never thought of Pandora's box as a bomb, but it was in a way, wasn't it? That was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm kind of grateful to Pandora for opening the box because life would be boring without all the wrongs in it. Don't get me wrong now; I don't like it when it happens to people, it just makes life less predictable, if you know what I mean. Well written, Harrug!!!!!!!!