First Part of "The Mystique Amulet Society"

by Harrug

Published January 15, 2013

In The Mystique Amulet Society

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Only the rough draft, but I still wanted to submit this for others to see.  More coming soon!

I have now edited it, completely forget what you have seen before this.

                       A smell of burning wood filled the air, but this was no campfire.  Houses and shacks burned, or at least what was left of them burned.  The crisp, black flakes of house shingles and broken doorways wafted around, so gently and gracefully.

                        Something horrible had happened.  Anyone could see this.  What was once a multitude of villages had been reduced to a few huts whose roofs had caved in, windows broken, doors busted, and the screams of normal people still echoing all around.

A goblin runs past a smoldering pile of rubble.  He pauses, looking up into the sky.  It was full of smoke and ash, the sun barely penetrating the un-natural dark clouds.  Even with the sun blotted out, the hidden sky could be seen where the clouds stopped.  Off in the distance, a blood red sky caused the goblin to rejoice.  He makes a low, excited snarl, and continues his trek towards the only standing building left:  a tall, foreboding tower.

The goblin picks up pace, running even faster when out of nowhere an old man jumps with surprising agility and speed, thrusting his long sword blade into the gut of the hideous creature.  He slides his sword back into its scabbard slowly, as if he had all the time in the world.  If only he did.

The old man was once the greatest Lord known to man and beast alike.  He had once been ruler of a grand city, which was now gone, burning under his feet.  He wore a dark purple robe, which covered most of his body.  His red cape was once a magnificent white, now stained with the blood of his enemies.  The Lord walked gracefully towards a building, made of stone and not wood, unlike the others.  It had once stood as a building of great hope and joy, but sometimes it would also deliver the bad news.

The Lord climbed a short set of stairs, gazing upon all of the beds that once held all of the old and the sick, remembering that his mother and father had both once lain in one of these beds.  He then climbed a latter leading onto the roof, half of it collapsed, as it had been made of wood.

The Lord stood on the remaining roof.  He smiled a sad smile, looking at his burning kingdom.  The purple robing and cape lightly fluttered in the breeze for the last time.  Then, turning around, he finds a tall, dark man watching him.

            “Kill me if you must,” began the Lord, “but you are too late.  My servant has escaped with my son.”

            “Your son is being dealt with at this very moment.  He will not live to see another day, and neither will you.”

            The tall, dark man draws a sword of which could be described as merely a shadow, and yet its presence, combined with the mans, seemed to amplify the very meaning of evil and menacing.

            As the man raised his sword above his head to strike, the Lord drew his silver sword, blocking the man’s sword has he brings down above his head.  The true fight began as they would strike, the other always there to block it.  The fight could have gone on for days until the man stumbled on a piece of rubble, causing him to drop his sword in order to regain balance.

            “You have beaten me in a sword fight for the last time!” cried the man, raising his hands over his head.  A pure shadow is drawn from within the man himself, collecting around his hands.  The man thrusts his arms forward, throwing the shadow at the king.  The king flies backwards, barely managing to grab hold of the edge of the roof.

            “Goodbye, once almighty powerful Lord of the North,” whispers the man as he stomps hard onto the roof.  It gives way, embers flying into the air.  The man simply steps back as that section of the roof crumbles.  The Lord falls into the fire, saying not a word.  The man smiles menacingly, then turns and walks away.  The black cloak of which he wears wavers behind him as he walks, as if though hesitant to be attached to someone so horrible.

            And so the rain of the King of Shadows begins.

              

             

Comments & reviews · 4

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Harrug
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Harrug commented Comment · Jan 18, 2013

Alright, I have gone back through the original piece and I've done a pretty good deal of editing. Please tell me what you think, and any suggestions you have for this piece!

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missbethy123 Review
missbethy123 wrote a review Review · Jan 17, 2013

I really love the storyline you've got going here- fantasy novels are so often my weakness- but I'd give exactly the same advice as beckwiv. A little bit of rewriting and this story could be excellent. I hope we get an edit- I shall sit here itching with anticipation until then.

Harrug replied · Jan 17, 2013

I've almost finished the editing, just a little left to go. I might get it out in several hours at the most.

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beckiw
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beckiw wrote a review Review · Jan 16, 2013

Hey there Harrug :)

Just stopped by to have a look at your piece! I hope you're enjoying YWS and taking the time to have a look around. Let me know if you need any help.

So I want to start by saying that you seem to have quite a depth of history to your story and that is a good thing, especially when we're talking about Fantasy novels. A wealth of depth and detail to your world will always help to make it seem more real. So I really like that.

My issue here is with how you present your history. This chunk you've posted is very telly and very expositony. What I mean by telly is that you are just telling us what has happened 'This happened and then that happened and then this really epic thing happened!' but you're not showing us, you're not allowing us to experience it. By the time you give us one detail you're already skipping onto the next one and it's slightly confusing. I want you to take the time to show me these things to let me experience them. I get that this is most likely a Prologue, a tale, that you are telling to set-up the coming story and this is probably a personal opinion but I always prefer my history littered throughout the story so I can find things out as I go along and not be confronted with them all in one chunk (which is expositiony).

The other thing I wanted to point out is that this is sort of confusing. Mainly because you have so many Lords of different things and you seem to skip quite quickly through time. So I kept constantly finding myself thinking, wait...which Lord was that? Who is the Lord fighting at the end? Is that King one of the Shadow Kings? It was just all a bit quick and I know that you know what's going on but you have to think about it from the perspective of the reader.

But like I said...the idea is there, definitely, you just need to work on how you present that to the reader. How you convey the world and how you hook the reader and keep them interested.

I hope that helped :) If you have any questions then feel free to PM me.

Bex

x

Harrug replied · Jan 16, 2013

Wow, thank you so much for the insight! Time to go back and edit it a bit!

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Holysocks
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Holysocks commented Comment · Jan 16, 2013

wow, thats a really cool idea! i can hardly wait to read more :)



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