I fell to my knees, "Why are you doing this to me?!" I screamed, though nobody could hear it, for my only company was my tormenting mind. I sobbed alone in the only lit room in the large house. I beat the floor with my fist, when I went to look at my hands, they were red and had indentations of the plain, beige rug. The pain of my aching hands didn't mask the pain inside me at all. I got up and headed to my bathroom, his presence close behind. I looked in the mirror, "Don't cry." I tried to soothe myself, "Use the same glorious smile you use at school." I tried to smile and encourage myself to become happier, but to no avail. I suddenly got angry at myself and at the presence, "Stop following me!" I screamed so loud that the waves of sound bounced from the mirror. I picked up a roll of toilet paper and threw it hard against the mirror, the unraveling toilet paper rebounded into the sink. I sank onto the cold, tile floor and covered my face with my hands, the coldness did little to snap me out of my misery. As if it was a chant, I repeatedly said, "Please stop," into the infinite darkness which was my mind and my house, my heart thumped to the rhythm of my fast paced, nasal afflicted words. My flushed face burned with bitter tasting tears and I gasped for breath that never came. I thought of my life and of my day, though I mainly focused on the events that were leading to my downfall, my hackneyed demise. For a second, I felt calmer, more relieved even, though that didn't last long. I felt him there and I shuddered, a wave of impending doom rushed over me, "Stop!' He didn't stop though. This man, this shadowed figure, rarely stopped his torment. The tears rushed from my eyes even faster than before. That is when I lost control, of my body and my mind. A single, life altering epiphany rushed into my head, "Nobody can help and this will never go away. I won't let him terrorize me much longer." I looked up and I smiled sadly at myself in the mirror, "I am not strong enough, you win, it has been a year and I'm done." I whispered to him. He seemed to stay at the top of the steps as I slowly descended down the stairs, sobbing and screaming curse words. I found my way into the kitchen, lit only by a huge window, though it still seemed rather gloomy. I walked in a beeline towards the knife block. With my right hand, I grabbed the sharpest meat knife which in earlier times has helped provide me with many meals. I caressed the weapon I was to use to put me out of my misery and to relieve my fear. I held onto the rail as I inched up the steps. Ironically, I kept the blade pointed down to not risk injury. I now stood atop the steps that led to my doom. I looked around, I looked at the familiar hallways, the room I was well acquainted with, I looked at it all with dull eyes. With my last tears dripping from my eyes, onto the knife, and onto the steps, I screamed," Are you happy about what you drove me to do?" I didn't know who I was blaming or who I was talking to. I was mostly blaming myself for not being strong enough and even my genetics for giving me these issues, all I knew was that the pain and terror of it all didn't seem worth it. The constant fear of death, of believing something was following me, and my restless nights drove me to where I was now. My last thoughts were of my little sister and how she wouldn't have me anymore, but she would be too young to remember anyway, and at the same moment, I thought of my mom too, "At least you'll have her." I started thinking of how weightless I'll feel once that shadow is gone. All that anxiety and paranoia that will fade with it. I brought the blade closer to my neck and stepped to the edge of the steps, then I willed myself to fall.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Just reading the description, I feel that it is quite an interesting idea. But I'd feel it'd be a difficult idea, as well. To capture the raw emotion, and true feelings of someone close to an unwanted death is a difficult task. Delving into the writing.
First off, make sure you space out your paragraphs. Just from the beginning, I can already tell there will be a problem with pacing just because the way the passage is formatted. Can't stress that enough.
So we start off here, with this woman who is possibly kidnapped. However, she knows exactly which lights are on, making me think she's familiar with the house. Describing it as "large" and using "the" instead of "my" makes me think it isn't hers. Beating the floor with her fists in a sign of duress is a bit odd, I'd be more inclined to stomp, myself. Are her feet gagged?
The close-up detail on the woman's hands is really intelligent. I also like the emotion on display, the shock, the fear of the woman is very disturbing, which is exactly what it should be.
I'm not so big on the last sentence. Mainly because I'm not too sure if it would take too much for sound to bounce off a mirror, but it's not something easy to visualize, either. How would you be able to tell? What if the sound cracked a mirror? That would be loud, and easier to visualize from the narrator's perspective.
But what did she see in the mirror itself? This would've been a clever time to give the reader details on the narrator's face, it seems as if it's a wasted opportunity if anything else.
That's a strong sentence that can definitely be interpreted in a couple of different ways. It's strange, seeing as cold is most usually associated with misery. Most likely, the narrator is being sarcastic in expecting the cold to bring her out of her misery. Or, she's just so distraught that she wants absolutely anything to bring her happiness. That's extremely powerful narration.
Ah, so it is her house. Why not clarify that earlier? I do love comparing her location and state of mind to "infinite darkness", its a vivid yet concise description that fits perfectly.
Ouch, so she's been tortured for a year. Ok, so that's really sad x_x Is she just going to give up here?
Wow, so the whole time, the narration is from behind the grave? That's really interesting.
Overall, this is a very intriguing story. Mostly this review is things I would've done differently, I know, but that's not what I want you to do x_x I just want you to think about what I would've done differently and decide for yourself if you like that better. Your style is your style and you should be happy with that.
That said, I thought this was a little all over the place. It seemed at one point we were going to get to know this narrator better, but instead, it drifts off, and we only really get to know her home life towards the end. Having her reflect when she first mentions it and tell a story about her family or something would go a long way in helping the reader feel a connection with the character. Also, the spacing thing x_x
The ending was really depressing. Not saying it in a bad way, not everything should have a happy ending. In fact, I really thought it was the best thing for this story. I thought it was unique, sad twist. The paranoia the woman felt was intensely gripping and passionately moving.
All in all, a very interesting story. Hope you write more x_x
Hello!
)
Stegosaurus here for review!
To begin, I think you should put this big chunk of words into paragraphs since reading something like this is intimidating to readers and it is a little harder to read. Yet I will try to read this and see what I can do to help you!
It seems like narrator is going into some sort of pain and seems to think that someone is trying to hurt her- when really it is her imagination. Also I enjoyed the title as it seemed to bring me in which is a good start for a short story like this.
There seems to be a bit of run-offs throughout this short story so I would suggest re-reading it as a whole- when you have put it into paragraphs. The dialogues also has be in different paragraphs since when reading this, the reader will think it is just another set of words with the quotation marks or something.
As to me, it would be better- as I stated before- to put this whole thing into different paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes and easier to help work with better. Also as from what Myth has said, there are plenty run-offs throughout this short story.
Anyway, I think this could relate to most people- as thinking it in a sense of having nightmares control you or something. Having the bad thoughts in your mind while trying to have a perfect smile- that kinda thing.
Overall, this was a great piece to read and I want to welcome you to YWS! (even though it is six days late
If you want me to go over anything, let me know!
Steggy
Heya! I can't think of an opening sentence so...
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I. This story seems to consist of ONE large paragraph. I may have missed the paragraph breaks, because of the way my iPod shows this, but if not this needs to be broken up.
II. Run-on sentences seem to be a bit of a problem in this piece of work. They make the story seem kind of clunky, and make the story drag on. Here's a random example of one and how to fix it.
You could split this into two sentences, or shorten it. Here's my example of how I would write it~
"I beat the floor with my fist, hoping to release my anger and despair. When I lifted my hands up and looked at them, I noticed marks from the carpet."
The second sentence is still kinda long, but hopefully you get my point.
Have a great day!
~Myth
Thank you for the review. The "male" is a figment of her imagination, she doesn't completely know the shadows identity, but it's more of a black shadow that follows her around.
Ah, that makes since!