You should’ve seen her face.
It was almost funny, the way her forehead scrunched up when you didn’t show. How she kept staring at your empty chair, like you’d magically surface again.
It was fine to a start. The house was so much quieter. I could finally sleep through the night without waking up to your fights in the kitchen. But you never came back, and then it wasn’t fine anymore. It’s not magic if the wizard loses the coin, if he can’t make the assistant reappear. It’s just tragedy.
So, in a way – you were a tragedy.
You sure did leave Mom’s heart broken. After you left, she didn’t speak for weeks. It took her days just to get out of bed. Months to smile anew. And by that time you’d already forgotten about her, hadn’t you? Sad frail Mom alone in her too big house. Did you think about her before you left?
Before you left them all?
Surely you would take it back if you could. Choose a different path. But the past is too long gone. The torrents of time too strong to fight.
Poor Mom’s dead now. She passed in her sleep, a single teardrop falling still on her cheek. And you missed her funeral, just like you missed it all.
She never stopped asking for you.
Told every nurse and living creature about her wonderful child.
So, say you guided her to heaven.
Like she would’ve done for you.
If she’d gone first.
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140,258 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this was heartbreaking little scene here. Starts out maybe just a little bit on the questionable side but then it just slowly reveals it all and brings out how heartbreaking it is.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well that looks to be quite the profound little statement there to be working off of. Looks like we're at the start of a little tragedy here. Or something a little magical or potentially both. Either way quite the little a start.
Oooh well there goes the magic. Looks like it was a bit more of a metaphor there and we're talking about someone who's left in some fashion and the accusatory tone suggests more running away than death, but then its hard to fully judge just quite yet.
Oh dear, well this is starting to sound a little more like a sister whose just really missing her brother as we go down this path. It just doesn't seem the sort of things you'd say to someone who just left, unless this person did some real bad things.
Oh well that confirms it quite good right there. Looks like the poor child there died for some reason. It seems to have been quite a good one too if the mother went about telling everyone there. Ahh looks to be a life that could've been better had a safer bath being chosen but unfortunately it went this tragic way and the poor sister still missing her brother and the poor mother passes away living a life of telling everyone how wonderful her child was and its just heartbreaking. I think the line that really sells it is the guided you to heaven one suggesting they all think they're in a good place now and should be reunited with the mother.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall I think you've done a wonderful job really tying it all together as we get to the ending there, bring in every element of this that hits so hard there with a child passing away before the mother. An especially tragic moment.
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Thank you for your time and response! Have a good day
.
Hello! I'm Silk, and I will be reviewing you today. Remember, as the author you know your work better than anyone, so take what is useful from this review and feel free to disregard anything you think is irrelevant to the message you are trying to convey with your work. With that out of the way, lets get started!
INITIAL THOUGHTS:
This is an incredibly thoughtful and tender piece about the passing of a sibling, and then a mother. It is short and sweet, and feels more poetic than a short story, especially with the line breaks in the ending of the piece. There are a lot of interesting comparisons drawn, and some truly stellar lines throughout. The choice the author made to directly speak to the reader as if they were the sibling who passed makes this feel highly personal and immediately draws the reader in.
AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT:
I will need to nitpick a little to find areas to improve in this work, so forgive that.
The line "It was funny to a start." at the beginning of the third paragraph felt awkward to read, and might need a bit of rewording to improve flow. At the end of the same paragraph, the line "It's just tragedy" has the same issue with flow. This could be a stylistic choice, like I said, I am nitpicking here.
In the next paragraph, the progression of time could be rearranged a bit to look more satisfying, (days, weeks, months). Other than those minor things, I don't see any more areas of improvement.
STRENGTHS:
Where to begin!? I really loved the whole piece, but some things that stood out to me was the authors ability to convey such intense emotion with such a blunt delivery. By showing the grief of the mother, and adding lines like "Did you think about her before you left?" and "Just like you missed it all" you can pick up on the sort of anger grief leaves. I also really love the line "So, in a way - you were a tragedy." That short line speaks volumes! I could really connect with the feeling of an entire life, good and bad, being reduced down to something so small. The wizard and the coin metaphor was really creative and surprising too!
FINAL THOUGHTS:
This a beautiful piece of writing. Like I said before, it veers more into poetry than a traditional short story structure. It encapsulates the frustration with loss, and the sort of acceptance in the tone juxtaposed by directly speaking to the departed sibling is just wonderful!
Thanks for sharing your writing with us!
-Silk
Thank you for your thoughts and feedback! Have a good day.
MEOW! Hello, friend! My name is Ellie and today I will be reviewing using my very own Black Cat Review Method! It is very similar to the incredible YWS S'more Method but I have Halloween-ified it and made it spooky! My little black cat friend, Vladimir, wants to offer his opinion on your amazing literary piece:
Mystical Witch Hat - What I See, Observe, and Interpret
I really like this as an opeing line for this short story. It really grabs my attention. It makes me engaged- I want to know who's face we are talking about. Great start!
It seems that our writer is describing the face of a girl when someone didnt show up. It seems that this person is lost, maybe even passed away, and now we are obsering the effects that this loss has had on a girl, perhaps a sister or family member or friend?
again, with the one lines that make me hooked. this line made me feel things. i thik we cn all relate in some way, to someone in our lives who is a "tragedy" in someway.
next we learn that this tragedy has greatly affected the writers mother. i now assume that the person who left in the writers father. maybe he didnt pass away, but abandoned the family.
the next section is absolutely beautiful. i love your use of asking questions to engage readers.
reading the next section, maybe we arent talking about a father afterall. we learn that the mother passes away. did she literally die or is this only a metaphor? this seems like it could definetly be a long metaphor for how the mums heart has been broken, but i interpret this literally. the mother passes away, with a single tear rolling down her cheek, missing, who i now assume is her son.
this is truly lovely! this section is what makes me assume she is missing a child, a son or a daughter.
this last section confused me a little bit. it makes me think, again, that this person who is gone has passed away, rather than adbandoned the family. it implies that the person left first. maybe you just meant literally, as in leaving the family. either way, this was BEAUTIFUL! wow, the image of her being guided to heaven makes me emotional. well done!
Vladimir’s Advice - Suggestions for Improvement
a few tiny tiny things.
this sentence confused me a tiny bit when i read it. maybe you could say show up instead of show?
and besides that, i think that moms passing is the emotional climax of the story. i would love more detail about how she looked and how the writer felt when she passed away
Jack O’Lanterns - My Favourite Parts and Praises
I absoluetely love this metaphor of a wizard and a coin that you use at the beginning of the strory:
and another astounding, heartfelt line:
Black Cat Cuddles - Concluding Ideas and Thoughts
This was absolutely beautiful! please keep me updated when you post more writing. i loved this so much.
have a great day!
sincerely,
your friend,
ellie
I hope you have a spook-tastical day, filled with black cat mischief!
Hii Ellie. Firstly I just wanted to saw that I LOVE the way your review is written. It's such a great idea to line it up like that, maybe even something I'd definitely do sometime in the future. I took your opinions to heart and im so glad that you liked it.
Thank you! Have an amazing day /Hanna
Ooops, I meant definitely and not maybe hahah.
Thanks Hanna! I am so glad that this was helpful for you. If you click the link at the top of my review for the smore method it will show you the template you can use to do this too!!
Have an awesome day, friend!!
I think this technically qualifies as flash fiction, but it was put together well. There was a lot of brevity and sadness, almost like the author didn't like discussing it. I think it was well done.
Hi, Zanos!
Thanks for the heads-up on the category! I'm still learning about writing and I really appreciate your thoughts.
/With great wishes Hanna