z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

over-exposed moments , smeared captions

by Hannah


home is a deep-sunk laugh-line
high cheeks and thick lips
with the curve of cat skull.


lights on a highway are yellow
white yellow yellow white odd.

the sound of the door opening.
the right footsteps on the stairs.
breath in a once-empty room.

rain orchestrating in puddles.
taillights.

it has been two months since you called.
it has been two months since.

dust can catch on a vertical surface
like a frame. like it has.




Author's Note: I would love to hear the emotional journey that you went on as you read this poem: what images came to you, what associations did you make, did you feel an emotional shift, and if so, in what way? Other suggestions are welcome, too, of course!


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20 Reviews


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Sun May 07, 2017 2:01 pm
WanderingCloud says...



"This is a review" Aye, Ma'am!

I guess it was about someone who came back after someone(another person) called him/her. It reminds me of visiting your past. I mean, where it all started and things happen. Umm. No offense but it was like a spell to me. Though it needs a bit of critical thinking.




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Sun May 07, 2017 11:31 am
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sheysse wrote a review...



Hey there, Hannah! Shey here for a review!

I'm starting this off by saying how much I loved the description in this piece. It was really easy for me to imagine what you were describing. In addition, the things you chose to describe matched the feel of the poem nicely, giving an overall very poetic feeling.

My only complaint with this piece is the emotion. To be entirely honest, I didn't feel anything until the line "It has been two months since you called". That was really what held the emotion of the piece. Now, it was a great line that really did work up my emotions, but in my opinion, it was too late in the poem. I read everything before it without any feeling. To me, evrything before that line was just description. Good description, but only description. It was a serious injustice to the wonderful description that I felt no emotion reading them.

Everything past that line, however, was an emotional journey of its own. I felt the words the narrator was saying, and to have a reader empathize with the narrator is not something anyone can do. So, great job on that!

Overall, wonderful job! Keep up the great work!

-Shey




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Sun May 07, 2017 3:45 am
Virgil wrote a review...



You know what, this is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on a late night where I probably shouldn't be reviewing! I just didn't want to let this out of the Green Room without catching it first.

So since this poem is lyrical, I wondered if you meant this to be akin to a set of lyrics? It doesn't seem as if you would, but that could be what you mean. At the same time, they're two different types of art, and lyrical poetry can simply be lyrical or lyrically based in that it's the main focus, which is what goes on here. I enjoyed how much room there is for the reader to interpret, and by your Author's Note, I assume that's the intention of the piece, or at least a part of it.

home is a deep-sunk laugh-line
high cheeks and thick lips
with the curve of cat skull.


There's some intentionally odd wording and imagery here, which I do enjoy. I've never heard home described as a 'laugh-line' which in itself is a little confusing as to what that is, but it's interesting. I've assumed that this 'laugh-line' is a smile, or in a way at least resembles lips. I could be wrong because there's little clarity as to what you mean, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I do believe that there was an emotional shift in the poem. The first half, or first three stanzas are a little more outgoing, and a little less straightforward. The second half of the piece in regards to emotion, is a bit more clear, or more importantly, it comes off as somber in a way. The third stanza also does this and I believe it's a little confusing, what you actually want to get across with this, though it comes off as experimental more than anything else. I'm a fan of how you execute it, though the punctuation being so prompt and punctual so often comes off as a little much. I'm left with confusion with the theme. It doesn't seem that directly, there is one, which I don't mind.

At the same time, I'm left also to feel a little dense in that if there's some higher meaning you're trying to introduce, I'm not getting it. There's this trouble I have finding distinction between poetry that is what it is on the surface, and poetry that has some deeper meaning that the reader is supposed to know about or get, and I'm always feeling a little out of the club. It felt as you described it--an emotional journey, so if that's what you were going for, you achieved that much, and I enjoyed that aspect. This can also be a flaw in a way since the reader doesn't exactly know if it's intentionally vague or not, though we're supposed to take anything as deliberate. It's strong, though, if you wanted it to just provoke emotion out of the reader.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay