Small Treasons

You are a very talented poem and have a way with words that I wish I could even slightly match. I also absolutely love your word choice using words like "gimmick", "ragged", and "Volatilee" are so powerful in their own way. I absolutely loved this, and I can't wait to read more by you! Have a wonderful day and never stop writing, you have a gift.

Hey Halycon! I'm so sorry I didn't get here sooner!

I'm really happy to see that you took all the advice from your last poem and applied it here. You still need work, but I'm glad to see you improve.

One thing I'm going to point out is that you capitalize every single line. Now sure, it seems more proper, but one thing people don't get is that every single detail in poetry counts. Whether it be a capital letter, a typo or words. Now, normally I encourage capitalization, but overdoing it doesn't help. Capitalization adds emphasis, so you want to add emphasis on things and words that matter, no? Capitalizing at the beginning at every line also seems a little amateur.

Also, you can't have capital letters if you don't have punctuation. Exclamation marks, periods and commas! Remember that these points create a pause for the reader to take in what you are saying. So place them with care, but do use them. Or else, the reader will take that pause themselves, and it won't be the natural way you want to create.

The vocabulary that you use is expanding, and I'm glad to see so, but you take a word place it in and take it nowhere. Think of your words as a big giant web, if you use the word 'diminutive', think subtraction of something, then math, then adding or multiplying something, then link it back to your idea the adding of years through the grains of sand. Though this is probably the simplest link you can create, you have to think of it in this way.

Keep up the good work. You're on the right track.

Kamas

Halycon wrote:Small Treasons
~
You say (loved the layout, especially the lack of punctuation, and I think that as poem is a verbal art, it gives a lovely flow - the was the perfect place to start, it gives immediate drama, immediate intrest and an accent.)
Your small treasons bother me too much
But look from an acute angle
See them, tiny follicles of sand ticking
one
by
one
(VERY effective, I THANK you for laying it out like this, it creates a better sense of imagery, and a clearer emotion and voice.)
Into my cusp of this hourglass (cusp, hourglass - love those words, just, generally, beautiful imagery.)
Collecting silently, each diminutive speck
Dated, named, tagged, rated (lovely sounding, each ending echoes off another. datED, namED, taggED, ratED - d-d-d-d, sounds as if its specks, falling, specks of whatever, just, small little specks, being flicked. plus, dated - rated, subtle rhyming, turning it NOT into a typical rhyme scheme, but hidden, almost, so you can't quite pick out why this poem sounds so good.)
Like volatile chemicals, Invisible evidence (brilliant vocab.)
Eager for a spoken, shrunken spark
To re-enact the chain reaction
And explode into drama and scene
The desert you thrive in
Attention with intention to break
These polar bonds that bind us.
(I adore the imagery.)
~
How quickly stone-set morals dissolve to dust
And are traded in like cheap gimmicks
When the hourglass
Is turned on its head

Hey Halycon!

My favourite thing about this poem is your admirable use of varying line length. It makes the rhythm very quite individual in a sense and also helps me fluently read it and the affect of the message is thus portrayed far clearer.

However, I don't like the lack of punctuation. In some poems no punctuation works fine, but here I feel I need it. There's no "Walls" to this if you like. It needs those end of line break ups and choppiness to give the flow some power and pack some more affect.

Anyway, keep up the good writing,
Ben

Hello Halycon!

I really liked this poem there was some beautiful imagery in it.

each diminutive speck