Young Writers Society

Hello, hope all is well. Here for a review

First, I wanna say that I appreciate you taking the time to write this piece as I'm sure it means a lot to you.

Right off the bat, I feel like you started off strong. Your first few lines, you start off with interesting word play. I love the line "Why do we need to 'come out' instead of simply informing them: 'I am here.'" I think this was your most powerful line in this entire piece and I think that holds a lot of depth.

I started to get a little disappointed as the emotional punch you introduced the reader to faded into an ongoing rant or string of short thoughts.

"Does this heart wrenching feeling in my gut satisfy you?"

I love that. That is an intense punch in the gut of a line. It brings the reader in and shows a lot of emotion.

The moment you mentioned "Look at all this progress we made", that's where the poem went from a personal perspective to you talking as a collective for all who may feel the same. And that's where the emotional disconnect happens. I can no longer relate with you, the narrator, of this poem as it becomes into another group or collective of people that were not mentioned before in the poem. It would be better to continue with describing your emotions personally to keep the flow steady throughout

You bring us back the moment you said "I cannot tell them: 'I am queer.' For my voice would crack. And I'd feel so small'" I feel you could've went into deeper detail of this feeling. Emote more to allow us, the reader, to better understand your perspective.

"And emotionally? No." I would suggest removing the "and" from this line. It would flow better without it

After this line, you go into a short rhyme scheme and then it just disappears.

Then after a long sequence of short lines, you abruptly intrude with this long one liner:
"I guess the government and other people who are not me have the answer that I can obediently whisper a timid 'thank you' and be on my way'"

I understand what you were saying. But the way you introduced this line to the poem does not fit well with the rest of the structure you set before and after this line.

"And the assumptions will be contently there - waiting and overpowering"

I love this. Though I feel you could use a different form of the word overpowering. Or a similar word with the same umph that you're looking for. Still, really love this line

You repeatedly say "I don't know". Go deeper into detail of what you mean. Don't know about what? What was said before? Or what you're thinking at that moment? Is this symbolism for being overwhelmed? Tell us more.

Ultracrepidarian... I had to google this word. With a poem that lacks this kind of vocabulary, this being randomly thrown in there feels like the rest of the poem is lack luster. Either remove this all together or add more descriptive words that match the level of this so it's all evenly toned

The mention of the economy I felt was also just thrown in there. Maybe it was a rushed finish? I feel the ending did not give the rest of the poem much justice. Definitely would revise that. Over all, I enjoyed the poem and can relate to the feelings you portrayed through you words. Try your best to be more descriptive of how you feel and allow us to join you on that journey. Keep up the good work

Hi, tropical mango here with a quick review.
To be really honest, I didn't quite like this poem.
Why? Well, to me, poetry is about the expression of self, the singing of the intricacies and the stories of the emotions residing in one's world. While subjectivity is a major component of poetry, poems should still strive to have a level of depth in both emotions and ideas.
This to me felt like a political rant about LGBTQ, a repetition of common points in the neverending debate that have put on the mask of a poem and presented themselves here. Whilst I liked the vigour and courage in your expression of opinion, and the sense of passion behind your words, I think many of the issues in your poem could have been evaded had you went from a more personal standpoint, perhaps pulling in personal experiences and stories, instead of directly delving into ideological arguments.
Other than that, I enjoyed the use of sharp and frank language which did add that much more oomph and punch.
Still, I believe in constructive criticism, not hate and toxicity. My comments are for the sake of improvement of fellow writers, take what you need and leave the rest. Have a lovely writing journey, don't ever give up!!!
Lots of love, tropical mango.

I have to agree with @Monsters here. While this work certainly has some high points, it feels much more political than personal. If that's what you're aiming for, you're achieving it. Otherwise, you might start by eliminating all the "or's." The poem will feel much more personal and hard-hitting if you focus on your own experience, your singular journey, your personal impact, etc. Try telling the story you know best: your own! Good luck, writer!

For me, it's a matter of personal style. Poems that prioritize ideology over substance, imagery, and so on, tend to resonate only with those who share the same views. Perhaps that's your intention, but to me, it doesn't feel like a genuine 'poem.' It comes across more as expressing frustration and a sense of superiority, like saying, "I'm frustrated because you guys are ignorant," and so on.

You know what could make a difference? Someone who grasps the intricacies. A perspective that resonates and can be shared, delving deep into the essence of you as a writer. An authentic portrayal not just of an idea, but of a genuine experience and an individual. Don't sell it, explain it and a frame about it and that frame dictates how the reader is going to think about it.

The poem is not that deep, sure. But maybe it should be?

My approach is to embrace minimalism, significantly reducing the scope. By doing so, the intricacies and vivid imagery of genuine narratives and authentic poetry come to life. In this way, I believe we can capture the interest and engagement of a wider audience.