Published January 11, 2012
When I was about thirteen. My family Just disappeared. My mom, dad, and two little sisters. I'm all that is left of the Jordan family. "Wait for me!" I heard my nerdy best friend, Simon yelled from a few feet away from me. "why don't you hurry up?!" I yelled at him. Today he and I are going hunting. His mom wants some of my survival skills to rub off I guess. "Melonie come on I'm new to this." he said finally catching up to me breathless. "How can such a small town contain so much drama?" I asked him. We had gotten farther then we'd ever come. At the top of the grassy hill, the chilling winds picked up and I felt free. Free from my school work, from my godparents, free from everything. I looked over our poor run down but slightly beautiful.
I'm out of time but I'll continue! I promise
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140,530 Literary Works • 673,402 Reviews
Okay
I think some sentences are just a little too simple and obvious. For example :
. Try not to just state things, but work them into the text and let the reader work some stuff out for themselves. Also your description of is quite cliche and it puts the character into a category which is not what you want. This makes the best friend seem to have no depth- he is nothing but the nerdy best friend. Try not to describe people with one word but perhaps you could describe some of the things that make him nerdy for example he might carry books with him or something. Also in this line, . Try to avoid listing things like this, in fact I think you're story would do great without this line completely