All human beings would like to be artists,
when it is surely impossible
for any to be able to create.
The human needs inspiration,
it's one of his old habits.
Well on this matter I have a theory
I say the human can’t be an artist,
for the simple reason that he is himself a piece of art
made by golden fists.
And what he is producing is only a metaphor
of his own soul and its glory.
The human never creates he only transposes,
the transcendent strength
of the art which runs in his veins.
Look at nature,
look around you,
and you will see that in his philosophical madness
Spinoza said something true,
all nature is the production of an artist.
you can capture his style,
with which all emerges,
We are all
made by a magic touch,
which illuminates the world
with bright pastels and foolish colors,
And you can feel,
And you can make one feel.
Isn’t it the purpose of art?
To feel and awake the feeling
I don’t know what you think of it,
But for I am impressed,
by what every day I see,
I shall say that either it is a great mistake
made by a hand which is blind,
or the invention of a dreadfully intelligent mind.
Quickie by Toe.
Just curious.
Things that I you have accomplished:
1. Great flow of words which makes it easy to read.
2. The style in which you send the message out is superb.
3. The way you both convince your reader and show him the light towards your mindset.
4. Good choice of Metaphors and adding the Spinoza's message between the lines.
Things that been more work:
1. Commas and periods need more focusing on.
2. Captials are missing in some places.
3. Adjectives used in poem sometimes don't seem to fit right. Ex. "foolish colors", "dreadfully" , and "magic touch" should be "Godly"?
4. "you can capture his style" God is a man?
5. "The Human"? Makes me think you're Alien
Opinion:
Overall I think it is a beautifully written piece of work. It's alittle diffrent than how a poem should be, but still great and acceptable. Some nitpicks are the repetition of some unnessary words like 'and' 'of' 'the' and the line of the 6th stanza.
I love the message because it's so true and opens readers eyes towards the gates of faith and belief. I suggest shortening the poem by a lot, because poetry is meant to be short and meaningful. Great job Hajar, and welcome to YWS.
The way you say (The human) its almost as if you aren't one that is my opinion it may not count for much but still.
What do you mean made by (golden fists) hands might be better than fists.
I think that humans can be artists.
Who is (Spinoza).
This sounds a bit wrong(But for I am impressed,
by what every day I see).
Very interesting theory maybe i will think like you some day.
Keep Writing.
Spinoza is a philosoper who identifies God to nature , I wanted to ryhme that's why I wrote fists instead of hands which I agree with you would have fit better.
.
Thank you for reading
Okay, I'm not an awesome reviewer but here's a shot.
)
I love the concept, there's no pattern in the stanzas though. But most people don't have any. And some words were repeated alot eg. 'The human'. Although the repetition helps to emphasize on the key word, too many repeats aren't as useful in achieving our expected outcome. (Like the word 'repeat has become in my post
And overall, I think you should be a little less strict on expressing yourself, in the sense that this feels like you carefully chose yourself or held yourself back in many places. Let it flow, and after you're done edit it all together.
I hope my comments are help, if at all I'll be glad.
Hope to read more from you soon
Hello there Hajar! Dogs here with your review today! Firstly if I may say: WELCOME TO YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here. I'm Tucker, and if you need anything, a review, some help, advice, ANYTHING. Let me know and I'd be more than happy to comply. Okey dokey, on to ze review, this is an excellent piece of writing here. You make some wonderful points in this piece. There are a few times where you over use commas but we'll fix them up. Pretty much content wise, I'm not going to give you much advice on because your writing in that regard is excellent. Most of my comments are going to be grammar related, let's dive in now shall we?
"All human beings would like to be artists,
When it is, surely, impossible,
For any to be able,
To create, the human needs to be inspired it is one of his old habits."
Ok, these are your first four lines and I noticed a few problems here. The biggest one being the overuse of the commas here. A good way to help out with that problem is to take an entire sentence composed of several lines and write it own in word. Word will give it a grammar check, it's a good way to check yourself and grammar in your poetry. The other note is that the fourth line here is a little too long in comparison to the other lines, try breaking it in half. So it should look like:
"All human beings would like to be artists,
when it is surely impossible
for any to be able to create.
The human needs inspiration,
it's one of his old habits."
The other point I would like to make is that yes the one single block of text with no stanzas can be quite effective in poetry, but here I think you make too many excellent points to not use stanzas. So each time you introduce a new point, make a new stanza. So what I've written above would be the first stanza, and than you would continue your poem however you deem necessary.
Look back at your writing and pick out those lines that are like the one I corrected in terms of its length, and try shortening it up considerably. This style of writing your using is dependent upon short and sweet lines that keep good rhythm and get the point across to the reader. Also, add in those stanzas and check those commas and you'll be looking good. Let me know if you ever need a review! Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thank you so much !!! This is by far the most constructive critic of this poem I've had this far don't hesitate to review my work I would be much pleased.
