Published June 25, 2009
"What is he thinking?" I wonder, as I look into his eyes.
The nothingness that lies there Is too great of a surprise.
His tender touch sends shivers down my spine,
And no matter how many times he does this,
It will happen every time.
Every time we kiss, I momentarily forget about air,
And I feel like I am floating into a spacious nowhere.
How to tell him I love him,
No idea,
But for his benefit,
I'll always be here...
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Well then! I think it was- I cringe as I say it- very twi-lighty. Don't get me wrong, your poem was very good and had lots of excellent moments, but it wasn't anything screamingly original. Very stereotypical love poem.
Thanks! I'm not particularly found of the ending, but whatever I guess!
Afternoon my friend, well afternoon for me - who knows what it is for you... I'm going to go with twilight.
Hmmm...Anyway enough of my yammering, onto the critique.
Overall I feel that your poem is a success, though don't feel unduly secure. There is always room for improvement. It is a very sweet (and I feel honest) account of your love for this boy, it really is quite endearing.
Now onto the nitty gritty.
This is a strong opening line, it does what any good first line must. It grabbed my attention. Though it can do with some tidying... It feels somewhat cumbersome.
This my dear is a cliché, and quite an obvious one too. Such lines can be found two a penny and I suggest you avoid such clichés like the plague (which is also a cliché
Beautiful...Very much so.
Anyway, well done. I hope that my review has helped a little.
Kris
x
your poem was amazing!
it really captuer what that person is thinking.
you have a real talent.