Published June 30, 2009
She swears she's okay,
But you can see it in her face,
Behind every fake smile,
She falls harder everyday.
He tries to reach out to her,
But she knows that It's no use,
Though she knows that she's hurting him,
She has to refuse.
He whispers "I love you",
She says It back,
He swears not to hurt her,
But how can he promise that?
The days drag on,
And he begins to move on,
She reaches out to him,
But by then,
He's gone...
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Canary word: Present
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140,808 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
I liked it, it has a 'vibe' about that when you read it you feel like your watching this girl's life die.
Maybe anyway might seem stupid to point it out. Not the best feedback anyway I enjoyed it.One question (a silly on really) any way all the I's are capitilised I am an honest and true grammar freak so anyway are you trying to emphasise something.
i LOVED it. I really liked the rhyming scheme and it definitely enhanced the quality of it. It had a story to tell and many could relate to it. Good job.
O my gosh I just figured it out! Now I get it and like it alot more!
hi, well first i really liked this, i don't know what it is that i liked so mnuch, i think it has something to do with your style of writing and the way it is 'soft' almost, and its sweet as well. I like this bit best.
And he begins to move on,
She reaches out to him,
But by then,
He's gone...
however there are a few points to make. Your rhyming scheme is a bit iffy, i'm not even totally convinced there is supposed to be one here or not. In my opinion, i've always thought that rhyming poems are more interesting, but thats just me.
She swears she's okay,
But you can see it in her face,
Behind every fake smile,
She falls harder everyday. perhaps something like 'There's a dark, empty space'? to show that maybe she is feeling empty, you never specify what is actually upsetting her, this is not a bad thing, but maybe you could add something like this to help the reader along a bit? i don't know, but that's my opinion.
anyway, thats all for now, keep writing, i'll be checking up on you
lozzen xx
He tries to reach out to her,
Ok, review time.
First of all it keeps rhyme at times, and then it leaves.
I like the last two lines of this poem the best.
I don't think that the beggining was very strong, but that could just be me.
What do you mean by, she knows she is hurting him? I don't get that part.
Well that's all I got.
Keep Writing
-Flower-