I watched him as his world of booze drowned him away,
I watched the only way he helped his pain.
Bottle after bottle, night after night I’m still wondering how long does he still have,
He drowns himself like his father before.
My grandpa, I missed him, loved alcohol more than me?
If he would’ve told everyone he would have more time to spend?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Dude, no way! I didn't think you had it in you! Rhyming could be a little better, and it's not completely drenched in emotion... But still, first poem, I didn't think you'd do it! So epic. Nice job.
that any better? =/
Sorry i was like getting all emotional writing this but thanks for the critiques and i get the whole part about being sarcastic my friend said i needed more emphasis... so i don't know.... but he's really good at writing so... but thanks anyway
=D
I don't like that you've put the words "booze" and "helped" in quotations. Yes, I get it, those are supposed to be sarcastic - but don't hit us in the face with it, make it flow and let the reader figure it out.
Your use of repetition is well done for it displays the helplessness you must have felt at his self-deteriorating, just watching.
Rhyme is done decently here although it's beginning to sound like a rap. Let's see what the next lines bring.
Too many "he, himself, his, him", etc. It breaks apart the flow and distracts the reader.
The last line sounded so comedic I had to smile. I'm sure that's not the emotional finale you were trying to orchestrate so please take out the pickle part. It's colloquial and shows immature or layman's language which doesn't fit in well at all with the rest of the piece.
Your ideas were good and I did see the illustration of feeling his anguish, feeling your despair...but only just a little. You need more language to charge the imagination and more powerful words than the rather bland ones you've filled this poem with.
welcome Dood ^_^
Well I have to say, this poem is interesting, and is different from the ususal stuff I read. I have never been good at reviewing poetry, let alone writing it; however I did like this. The only thing is that the ending phrase doesn't make much sense to me. FIx the stuff that was pointed out in previous reviews, and it'll be all good.
Good luck, and keep on writing!
That better? sorry i was kinda emotional right there X3 i just lost my grandpa to alcohol so....
EDIT: and to Nutty thanks and i had my parents read it and they encourage me to write more =D
Hey welcome to YWS ^^
I don't really crit or read poerty, (I don't really understand it, to be honest) but I have to mention one thing- one of the rules of YWS is you should keep a 2:1 crit to work posted ratio. People will be much more willing to help out if you help others
And you've been writing a week? Well, then I think that's a pretty decent piece of work. But then I'm not good at poetry, so you should ask someone else :p
When I joined I hadn't written outside of school assessments, but this site is really encouraging, and I began to write in my spare time too. I hope you enjoy yourself here.
I just use writing as a way to vent my feelings and i just found this site through a friend and i thought it would be a good way to just express myself. TY for giving me a critique i just got into writing last week when my teacher started talking about how much fun it was.
so anyways thanks. =D
I can totally relate to this poem.
Weclome to YWS by the way.
I think this is an excelent poem that tells readers what watching a loved one waste away because of alchohol is like. Like I said before, I can relate. I would suggest more vivid descriptions that amp up the mood and sense of loss.
I have one nitpick:
This line doesn't flow very well to me.
This was my favorite line.
So, other than what I mentioned above, very well done. One more thing, you need to do 2 reviews before you post anything else (it's one of those darned ruled on here).
Questions? PM me.
nariel