A Guide to Potatoland - by Professor Mash (2)

Part 1 - The First Potatoland and the Legend of Bohio and Mahiet



Potatoland, as we know it today, has not always existed. It is actually the second Potatoland in the History of Potatoes, and only 5,000 years old.

The original Potatoland, also called the 'First Potatoland', is believed to have originated some 12,000 years ago; a time humans may refer to as the era during which the 'first settled agricultural communities' set down in the Fertile Crescent. It was located atop a medium-sized mountain, of which the tip was unnaturally large and flat.

At the time, there were two main potatofamilies: the Mah-Shed family and the Boh-Yled family. It is probable that, once, they were united, but during the time of which I speak, both families maintained a fierce enmity and a burning hate. Every speck of dirt was fought-over like an empire, and members of the Boh-Yled family loved to throw the rocks from their territory into the Mah-Shed's. Members from the Mah-Shed family threw the rocks back, and added thorns from theirs; and so on.

A famous legend originates from this time, and I believe humans have copied it too, if slightly altered. The legend tells of a young woman from the Mah-Shed family, called Mahiet, and a young man from the Boh-Yled family, called Boheo. Boheo and Mahiet are said to have fallen in love with one another, despite their family's enmity. The legend continues thus:

"One night, Boheo was on rock-throwing duty, but he chose to throw the rocks at Mahiet's window to tell her that he was there. She opened her window, ready to throw any further rocks back along with a couple of thorns; but, upon seeing Boheo, she stopped her hand (...) Boheo and Mahiet married in secret, and no one knew except Friar Brussence who was a brussel sprout (...) Boheo was exiled outside Potatoland. Friar Brussence took the most disgusting dirt of the region and told Mahiet to eat it, so that she would faint and seem to be dead. This worked, however the tomato-messenger had not reached Bohio (...) he saw Mahiet and thought her dead, upon which he ran away screaming. Mahiet woke up, chased after Bohio to tell him everything (...) and they left for Cucumberland, lived potatoly ever after and had many children."

I believe that the main difference between the humans' version and the original potatoes' version is that, instead of running and wailing and persuing at the end, Bohio and Mahiet both commit suicide. The potatoes' version is, in great contrast, not bloody.

However, even though it is not bloody whereas the humans' version is, the potatoes' version is quite as complicated and contains simmilar romance and hate. Therefore, there was - quite recently - an attempt to make the Legend of Bohio and Mahiet more child-appropriate. A certain Lady P. of Fryriver South took on the challenge thus:

"Lady P. of Fryriver South's Child-Appropriate Version of Bohio and Mahiet: the Legend of Pinky-Pink-Bowtie and Sparkly-Toodly-Fairy!

There were, on a happy sunny little day full of butterflies and rainbows, two little childrenies. The firstie's little namie was Pinky-Pink-Bowtie, and the secondie's little namie was Sparkly-Toodly-Fairy. Their mommies were having a little fighty! But Pinky-Pink-Bowtie and Sparkly-Toodly-Fairy wanted to build a little sand-castle all together, with seashells because they were at the little beachy with the little sunshine! So they did, with little their little handies, and they laughed with their little pink cheekies. But little Sparkly-Toodly-Fairy munchkin's mommy was near! Sparkly-Toodly-Fairy, the littly baby sweetheart fairy was a little scardie that the mommies would be angry at the little doodly childrenies. But happily-appily, the mommies of Pinky-Pink-Bowtie and Sparkly-Toodly-Fairy were not at allie angry - they were happily-appily! So Pinky-Pink-Bowtie and Sparkly-Toodly-Fairy were also happily-appily, and everyone on the little beachie with sunshine, butterflies and rainbowsies was happily-appily, and the mommies stopped their little fighty and build the sand-castle with seashellsies together with their littly sweethearties sugarheadies childrenies. The end!"

Lady P.'s version failed to interest the public and sold under three times.

Anyhow, back to 12,000 years ago. The Mah-Shed and Boh-Yled families gradualy expanded, forming a divided Potatoland, consisting of two sides: the Mah-Shed side and the Boh-Yled side. Over time, the last names changed; only the royalty on each side kept them. They were otherwise merely the land's name: Mah-Shed Potatoland on one side, Boh-Yled Potatoland on the other. The population aquired last names from their titles, work, nicknames or region; thus, a few common potato last names were Valiant-Fight, Rockthrower, Sweetpotato and Riversider, for example.

Potatoland was on constant civil war - it was a time of unrest, and also the first ever era of Potatoland. Historians call it the Era of Disaster, since many a disaster occured during this chaotic period of time.