(Edited)
There was once a young man. He made many investments and his business was promising, he had tons of money and travelled around the world achieving all he ever dreamed of.
However, his life did not go on as well as many thought.. He, suddenly, lost all his money and his business broke down. His condition just became worse and eventually, he had to ask his friends for money, but at moments like these, true friends appear. Unforunately, his were not so good. As soon as he was in need of money, they bailed him and searched for someone else.
He was desperate and did not know what to do. At this point, he felt as if he were the most miserable person in the world. He had no food, no job, he wore ragged clothes and walked bare footed. He could not be more miserable and that was what he truly believed, until he saw a man with hewn feet sitting on the side of the road.
It made him ashamed of himself and he learned to be grateful and thankful for what he has. He could not but scream within himself: "I am blessed! I still have legs!!"
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,488 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
wow, i like it! i recommend using much more detail though, this is a story that could be very inspirational for some!
you do rush into things very quickly without much information in between, so yeah just detail detail detail!
Thanks, I'm trying.
This could use quite a bit of elaboration. I would strongly advise jumping right into the thicket of the plot, a guy with no food, no clothes, no job, no shoes, and no friends, express his woes through a long mental lament as he wanders down the street and then have him happen across the legless man, and without anything else, have him exclaim your line.
This right here needs more showing and less telling what happened. It is a long list of things that happen instead of anything showing the actions. It sounds more like a plot summary than a story. Think about the devices that we're taught in literature class, plot-rising action, climax, falling action conclusion, character, theme, foreshadowing, etc, and see how many you can incorporate into your stories.
I'm not sure what you were trying to accomplish with this. A parable, perhaps? If so, this needs a lot of work because right now, it reads like a summary of a longer story instead of a story in and of itself.
A lot of this has to do with how rushed the events are. This happens. Then that. Then that. And then something else. And then this other thing happens. The end.
It's too fast, and there isn't enough time spent allowing the audience to dwell on the significance of each event. In addition, the transition between events is very rocky. There's no real connection between events, and so the events feel all jumbled together into a tangled mess.
I would recommend taking a bit more time to show the audience the significance of each event. Taking the beginning as an example, "There once was a promising businessman who traveled the world, achieving all he had ever dreamed. However, one day his business went bankrupt, and he lost everything."
That's one possible way to better introduce the businessman and his situation, and it leads in more smoothly into the other events of the story.
Jumpiness aside, the ending made me think that the businessman was a real jerk. I'm not sure if that was your intention, but if someone were to see another person without any legs and then happily shout "I still have legs!", most people would tell him to shut up and leave the poor legless man alone, not to mention how the legless man would react.
If you don't want the businessman to come across as a huge jerk, I suggest keeping his realization to himself rather than having him shouting it with all his might. It would also be a good idea to have a sentence about the businessman's reaction to this revelation, such as "And with this realization, his problems became less monstrous" or something like that.
There's more to a story than just a chain of events, and right now, you're missing those other elements.
I agree with you, but I didn't really intent on making it like short stories. I just wanted it to be a short wisdom story, but I'll try to change and fix it. Thanks.
I really liked it but here's a bit of advice:
1.) Who is he? Explain more about him because right now I have no feelings for him.
2.) What happened to his buisness?
3.) I don't really understand the ending.
Your story is already great but with a few adjustments it could be perfect.
Keep up with the writing!!
Thanks.