Published October 5, 2011
I was walking all alone.
My head up high
and the sun's shining.
My heart's floating
and the birds are chirping.
The world's so nice.
I'm so proud I did it.
I thought I'd stay,
in the dark for long,
but now i'm free.
My mind's free
and I'm so happy.
So I thought to write a song.
Perhaps I can send you some positivity.
To show you that you can always be happy.
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Canary word: Present
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139,486 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Here we go - line by line again, I supposed.
First three lines - I don't really like these. It seems a bit... off. Especially when the reader finishes the rest of the poem and then goes to begin again. Actually, I don't really think the first stanza fits to the second stanza very well, but I'm to treat this like a poem for the review, so. Perhaps for the first few lines, it would be better as "I was walking all alone/With my head held high,/The sun shining down." Something along those lines. Forgive me if my two-second poetry sucked, though.
Next three lines of the first stanza - again, I don't really think this fits in well. The first two lines could be a description, but "The world's so nice" ruins it. I'm serious. It sounds weak and floppy and vulnerable, as a line of poetry. "The world's so nice." So many other pieces of poetry on this site can rip that line to shreds with their descriptions, their words, their flow and their beauty.
Second stanza - No comma after "stay" in the second line. It's ungrammatical and interrupts the flow.
"My mind's free/and I'm so happy" - oh, you work for the Department of Redundancy Department, too? Welcome to the club. Repeating ideas in lines that don't fit is a problem I face when I'm writing, but I can tell you that this just isn't right. Not only do you end the first line of those two with the same word as the line before it, but "happy" is reinforced so many times that it makes me sad.
Penultimate line (that's second-to-last) - No full stop at the end. The last two lines should read as a fluid sentence. If you're ever unsure, write it as a sentence before you write it as poetry. That always helps.
I don't much care for the words and "imagery" for descriptions you used in this poem. It needs more strength, more thought, more love. "Elated" is a good word for happy. "Ecstatic". "Gleeful". There are countless more words you could use - please, delve into the vocabulary that I know you have!
I really love this! Beautifully written and very happy
There isn't anything I don't like about this.
Hello there. :3
Here for the review. What else would I be here for!! Duh!! xD
You started off in the past tense when you said that “I was walking” and then from the third line onwards you changed it totally into the present tense. This change in the tense so drastically isn’t quite appreciated. You could keep it totally in present itself but do not mix two tenses unless and until it is required. Like, change the first line to “I am walking all alone”. And hence, all your problems will be solved. Except this, it was a pretty good stanza. Simple, short lines which were in a good flow.
The line break over here was a bit odd. Totally broke the flow of the poem which was pretty good in the first stanza. It is a bit of a jerk for the reader while reading because it brings a sudden pause to the narration. And it is quite annoying.
It should be “I’m”. Do not keep it in small.
So these three lines were totally off track from the rest of the poem. No flow. And those small and simple lines which were the heart of the poem are lacking over here. These lines are more of a authors note which is written before or after a literary work.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.
Thanks guys, I can't believe I wrote this! My feelings were true, but badly written. I guess I wasn't trying. Thanks anyway.