Young Writers Society

Hi. So I started reading it from the middle so I continued with the beginning. I liked it as much as I did with the other parts. I did enjoy the way it started. You don't know much and then well "Reality splayed out in its new form". But maybe a little precision on how does the characters look could be a great idea to add. But, because of Cody's questions it made me want to know more about Wenton. And I don't if it's a real name but I like it as it is. And I can relate to not being able to write such a long story . I enjoy it but a little more precision is welcome.

Hello. This is my review.

Get the balloons folks! After this review I should have my second star! So then, let’s get started.

First, the bad:

My biggest complaints are that we really don’t know anything about Wenton, who is he? Why is he where he is? My second criticism is that we really don’t get much plot. I’m pretty sure these criticisms will be mollified by the second part, but since I’m reviewing this as its own entity, my criticisms still stand.

Now, some descriptions:

“...like a no longer ‘grand’ piano.”, maybe change it to something like ‘...like a grand piano dropped from ten stories.’

“...which, upon hearing, several birds nesting in a close by took off in fright”, first, there is the ‘in a close by’, this is just a grammar error, just remove the ‘in a’ from it. Other that that this is pretty wordy, I would suggest something like ‘... startled birds out of their nests.”

“The voice cracked apart his concentration.”, I don’t like the word choice here, maybe something like ‘the voice broke his concentration”.

“Voice tastes like a rotten lemon”, I really don’t know what this is saying, so I can’t correct it.


That’s the bad, now the good:

This was a good beginning, while unanswered questions are not good for a short story, they are important to the impact and intrigue of a first chapter. And while I pointed out several odd descriptions, I only mention those because they need to be fixed, and, while I may just be imagining this, I think I’m finding fewer; in any case you’re getting better. I also must complement your portrayal of a young kid, I have a younger brother and I can say that your portrayal is quite accurate. I look forward to to reading the next part. Keep up the good work!

This was my review. Goodbye.

Wow, good job!

The first thing I see as that you did a really good job portraying Wenton as annoyed with Cody right off the bat. I think the best part is seeing how the two play off of each other, which is a great strength to have. You do a great job of describing the world around them, as well. The only major gripe I have with this chapter is that I feel like it’s a little too short. Maybe experiment with adding some more of Wenton’s thoughts or adding some more dialogue. All in all, this story really reminds me of mid-century science fiction. I can’t wait to see where you take this story!

Wow, good job!

The first thing I see as that you did a really good job portraying Wenton as annoyed with Cody right off the bat. I think the best part is seeing how the two play off of each other, which is a great strength to have. You do a great job of describing the world around them, as well. The only major gripe I have with this chapter is that I feel like it’s a little too short. Maybe experiment with adding some more of Wenton’s thoughts or adding some more dialogue. All in all, this story really reminds me of mid-century science fiction. I can’t wait to see where you take this story!

Wenton sounds like a real name to me. Obviously, Wenton thinks Cody is annoying, but I think the boy's really cute. This first chapter was definitely interesting. It caught my attention from start to finish, and the relatively short length made it easier for me to read. The only thing I suggest is that you may want to add more to the ending. Perhaps you could end the chapter with more of Wenton's inner thoughts? His nose is about to metamorphose after all.

A glitch made my review get posted twice.

Ok so as this is just the beginning and you haven't given a plot summary yet, I can't say much about what has happened so far. You do a good job at creating an interesting scenario I always love a good case of forced parenting. There are a few minor grammar and spelling mistakes not that I'm one to talk, just put your stuff through grammarly so people don't get huge up on those little annoying details.

The kid confuses me at points you give me no real physical description of either of the characters so I have a hard time visualizing the scene but this is mostly harming the boy as I don't know how old he is, he can't spell his own name correctly but is able to easily read and say "Temporal gravitation coordinates transfiguring" which as an adult I don't think I can say that on the first try, but that most likely just me.

For Wenton, I think the name could work depending upon the idea you have for his character. If he is not from this world/dimension having an unusual name fits and helps differentiate him for other characters. He needs motivation for what's happening at this point. He questions why his clock is counting down but also seems to understand what is happening when it started to go nuts. But these questions can all be left until later.

This means that you have done a good job creating an engaging introduction. Leaving the reader with a lot of questions at the start is what helps push us to the next character so overall good job.