Published June 24, 2020
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140,831 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello HGsomeone! I'm here for the requested review, sorry for the wait
Since you mentioned you're interested in getting this published, I'll go over some nitpicky things as well as more general comments, since nitpicks are what help make a work really polished!
"instruments" should be "intrument's", with an apostrophe, since it's possessive.
In this sentence, "it's" should just be "its", since it isn't a contraction of "it + is". Also, this currently isn't technically a real sentence. To make it into a sentence, you could reword it along the lines of
"Its decoration had only been a fleeting fancy for its owner."
I could be wrong about this, so don't take my word for it - but I'm pretty sure that semicolon should be a colon or a comma. Semicolons generally join two sentences together, and that's not what it's doing here.
Here is a place where you could use a semicolon. Right now, it's a run-on sentence, but if you exchange the comma after "them" for a semicolon then everything's tickety-boo.
That aside, I really love the description in this sentence. It's really vivid!
To make this sentence easier to read, I would alter it slightly, just like so:
It doesn't have to be exactly like that but adding something along the lines of "he reflected" or "he thought" or "he mused" would make the sentence smoother.
The comma after shrugged should be a period.
Again, a period instead of a comma.
Technically you need "and" before "rising", to make this into a sentence.
This comma should be a semicolon.
I would probably use something more like "asked" here, since she does seem to be asking a question. Also, I really like how you subtly incorporate descriptions of how the characters look, for example how she doesn't wear glasses. It feels very natural and part of the story, not like it was purposefully added on for the reader's benefit!
Very minor - this semicolon should just be a colon.
You could probably just make this into one sentence:
“Guys!” she cried, stretching the word out until it became a meaningless drawl.
Here you need "and" before "Sammy".
I think it'd probably be neater if the semicolon was a period.
Alright, with those out of the way I'll go over some more general suggestions/comments.
I think your characters are really strong. They all have distinct personalities, and they all feel very flawed and human and believable. They're also quite well developed for such a short piece of writing! The dialogue between them, too, feels very natural - informal, almost like they've known each other for 40 something years
The concept of this short story is really interesting and unique! It could make a cool longer piece of writing, but it also stands alone well. It feels really well thought out, and I like where you've ended it. I'm not sure that there's a discernible message or moral to it, but then, who says there has to be?
One thing you could consider thinking about is the structure of the plot. Is there an introduction, a climax, and a resolution? Every story is a bit different and obviously some stories don't really have a resolution, but it's still a helpful guide. I would say this is a story that doesn't necessarily have/need a resolution, but I would like to see more of a climax. What's the issue at hand for the characters? Obviously the sun is going to crash into the Earth, so that's something, but that's present throughout and it isn't really affecting the characters as we see them. You don't even necessarily need to change much about the plot, but you could just add more suspense and build-up.
Another thing I wanted to quickly mention is your vocabulary. It's awesome! I love what a broad range of words you use, it makes the writing more engaging
That's it for my review, I hope you find it helpful! Good luck publishing this, and if you have any questions about the review feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
Thanks for the review!
All the nitpicks are very helpful and will definitely make editing this a lot easier. I%u2019m glad I asked and perhaps I might pop in a request again in the future,
OK WELL DUDE GAL NON-BINARY PAL IM JUST GONNA OH MY GOD IM GONNA CRY THE ENDING. THE. ENDING. UGHHHHH.
I'm sorry, just, ugh. Such a wonderful story. The ending was wonderful, just, oh my god. So... simple yet heart-wrenching! Description also was pretty nice and you included actions into dialogue, not to mention it didn't seem to read to blandly or like it was a robot.
My only issue is that somethings are capitalized or are. But I'm pretty sure the other reviewers covered that! Anyways, I really liked it! Good work.
- Cow
Hi HGsomeone. I'm here for a quick review.
First, this is really an impressive story especially with the beautiful song that ends off the dramatic tale. In my opinion, this was an amazing read, even more with the intriguing title that pulled me into reading this.
Lastly, there are some misspelled words here. I know misspelled words aren't that important, but would you let me point them out to you.
"laxed" I think is supposed to be "relaxed".
'Bonnie B watched him from where she lay sprawled along a faded leather lounge; her eyes moved back and forth, framed by the crisscross of wrinkles lying *laxed across her face.'
"possible" I am thinking doesn't fit with the sentence. So I suggest you use "possibly".
'The world was quiet here, quite *possible the only space of silence left on the planet. Not even the din of the raging concert outside; the biggest party in history. The last party in history.'
"organised" You spell is with "z", not "s".
'The space was small, far smaller than many of the other places they had waited before being called on stage. You’d think the people in charge would have *organised a larger venue considering the occasion.'
You need a comma after "laughter".
'“You coming, Lex?” she asked. It was hard to hear her with the door now open. Music, laughter *and the occasional scream of either glee or hysteria invaded the quiet, turning it to a distant memory.'
"B rushed" I think is "brushed" with the "B" no capitalized, since it isn't a start of a sentnece.
'Bonnie B rushed over to support her swaying bandmate. “You could never hold couldn’t you, not even for one bloody day!”'
Overall, it really is a beauteous story you've created here. It really was a wonderful read.
Keep on writing!
Your reviewer, Chris
Best wishes for future writings!
Hey Hey and thanks for the review!
Thanks for pointing out those errors its really helpful
also, I don't want to sound rude, but please note for future reference that "organised" can be spelt with an 's' using british english (I'm australian and thats just how we roll)
Apart from that, thanks again
Sorry, I didn't know that since I only learned American English. Also thanks for understanding, I'm not an English speaker so.
Thanks again.
Great piece, i like the ending, that song brought out the significance of the situation at hand. And the fact of the sun on its last stand was really great, i've loved this.
Thanks! I was a bit worried about some of the edits I made but I feel better about it now and I'm glad that you liked it
Cool!