...

This was a pleasure to read. I always love fantasy that explores new angles and ramifications of certain concepts.

1. I thought the execution of your concept was creative and well-planned, for instance, that the destruction of the sun would make the world safe for vampires to roam about freely. This gives the reader a good grounding for the mythos upon which the story is based. (And as a side note, I like that you went with the traditional vampire mythos, such as in the comment about turning into a bat.)
2. The descriptive language here is also really inventive, even from the beginning with the descriptions of the sun turning red. I think this is a terrific draw for a reader and makes the piece highly readable and memorable.
3. I loved the dialogue in this! Even in such a short piece, you've taken the time to write dialogue that shows each character's personality. I knew who Dorothy was with her first "Blimey" and I also really liked how you used a question mark for Georgina's intonation - it is a clear signal she is a nervous character.
4. Some of the more fragmentory lines I felt were a bit jarring to read. For instance, “Bulging over the horizon . . . could grow no more." and "That moment . . . dark devastation.” I can get using fragments for a sort of fast, suspenseful effect, but since this bit is setting description, as opposed to say, an action scene, I thought a more flowing style, as you have done elsewhere in this story, would read more smoothly.
5. One thing I thought was a bit of an inconsistency was that it was established earlier that the old folks were "ignorant" of Athanase being a vampire. That made this line: "He smiled as he saw her grin fall. Now they understood." seem a bit too rushed. I felt Athanase's comments were pretty vague, not exactly something you would immediately interpret as him being a vampire. Furthermore, the old folks' speech in that scene somewhat implies Athanase frequently talks about his vampire status (albeit not directly), for instance, Dorothy saying "this time" and referring to his "weird cult". It's just something I found a tad bit odd.

My favourite lines in this were: "The world was changing though, and people had to change with it.” and the one about the 'old' design of the room. I thought these were good, pithy bits of foreshadowing for the ending, and also weaved in the theme of age and time. Overall, this was a high quality read for me, and I loved how you've written a story at multiple layers: one on the surface level, that old people turn into vampires in the end of the world, and one about how people deal with mortality and old age.

Cheers!

Hello. This is my review.

Well, it’s been forever. The world has changed substantially since my last review. But that doesn’t really change anything, so here we go.

Here’s what I didn’t like:

The description “ That moment when it ended its fiery symphony for an encore of silent, dark devastation.” the main part bothering me here is the “for an” and the last part of this description could be change extensively, if you want to keep it in mostly the same form I would suggest changing the “for an” to “with an”, though I personally think it should be something like “ending in silent darkness.” Similarly, there’s this bit: “a man who had seen in his time one or two generations” could be changed (though I do complement your use of inverted syntax), maybe to something like “a man who had lived to see one or two generations come and pass.”. Another, shorter description that I think could use changing is “the door clattered open.” While I know it’s a cliche, something like “the door screeched open.”

Now for more general criticisms

I find your descriptions to be too long, this wouldn’t be a problem, but you tend to fav our abstract and rather strange means of descriptions (see my first two examples, though I would emphasize the first more strongly in this example), and if people can’t visualize or at least understand what you’re describing, than it defeats the purpose of having the description in the first place. I’m rambling here, but what I’m trying to say is make sure your descriptions don’t become unnecessarily long confusing.


Here’s what I did like:

While I often chafe at odd descriptions I must say [insert British sounds here] that your description of a fat dude in the fourth paragraph is excellent, it reminds me of Myrvan Peake’s (I probably spelled that wrong but my copy is upstairs and I’m having dinner as I’m writing this and I’m too lazy to get up and look at it so what’re you going to do?) description of the chef ‘Swelter’, who is also an extremely large man (Peake was also an extraordinary artist, l would I highly suggest buying an edition including his art, there is a wonderful portrait of Swelter, I’ll put the name of my edition at the end of this review, Peake is a truly fantastic writer, the only two pre Tolkien writers I can think of off the top of my head who can match him are E.R. Eddison (an undeservedly forgotten gem) and Lord Dunsany), and, seeing as Peake is considered one of the greatest stylists in the fantasy genre, I think you should take that as a complement. With that word vomit out of the way, I really think you have a talent for coming up with strange and intriguing premises. If you haven’t read H.P. Lovecraft I would highly recommend him, his influence might add an interesting color to your work, which already reminds me of a much less existential versions of his work. One thing that I particularly love is the bit where one of the vampires asks if the other is going to play scrabble, I find it so funny, it’s in things like this I find your voice to be strongest. I really do think you have some talent and you can only get better with practice.

My edition of gormenghast was published by overlook press in 2011. I will p.m. you a picture of the picture of swelter (the fat dude).

Keep up the good work!

Hi, HGsomeone!

I love this so much!
I love how you start off with an omen- a sign of the end times. I love that despite it happening already, Athanase is still so chill, so relaxed as if he's just starting to wake up from a long sleep. I love how he, despite not feasting for centuries, was able to keep his calm at seeing blood. And I love how he made the elderly in the retirement home his kin. I actually felt bad for the caregiver since she was I presume to be a victim their first meal so to speak.

All in all, I found no problems with your story other than it was hard to get into at the beginning. I seem to have a hard time following long descriptions of a person or an event, I apologize. But I do love it! It reminds me of Vampire the Masquerade. Keep up the good work and keep improving!

Wishing you the best,
ShallowHouse