Published February 10, 2008
Let It Bleed
Chapter Two
The Other End
I hurt all over, every time I swallowed it felt like someone had stuffed a handful of sand down my throat. The repetitive splash of water against the shore told me that I was on a beach. I groaned and slowly opened my eyes to a squint, the morning sun glared down at me and stung my eyes. I quickly snapped them shut and took a deep breath in.
Everything was a blur and I had no idea where I was and what had happened.
Okay Gwen, think... what were you doing last night? I licked my strangely salty lips and it all came back to me.
You stupid stu-
"Are you awake?" A light voice whispered into my ear.
I breathed in with shock and began to choke. My eyes flew open and I shook my head in pain.
"Calm down, here drink this." The same voice sung.
I shut my eyes as someone cupped there hand to my lips and began to poor water into my mouth. The coughing began to ease away but I still felt horrible.
After I had calmed down I opened my eyes once more.
There kneeling beside before me was a boy. He had short black hair and very pail skin. His eyes resembled mine an oaky brown, he wore no shirt and a pair of ripped brown shorts. Around his waste a long dagger hung from a belt along with a small pouch.
He smiled, reached into the pouch, and pulled out a small strip of hardened meat. I inhaled its sweet scent and my eyes widened. I hadn't noticed how hungry I was, before I knew it my hand had flashed out and snatched the meat out of his. I brought it to my mouth and began to tear away hungrily.
"Hungry, eh?" He laughed, "I guess that's a good thing"
I didn't reply.
"I will leave you to your eating then." He mumbled as he rose to his feet and made his way towards the shore and dove into the water.
By then I was finished eating and feeling much better. I shook my head and noticed that my hair was several lengths longer. This didn't seem to bother me at all. I sat up and looked around.
I was sitting on a beach all right. The sand was unusually red, the water was that dreamy baby blue colour that I had always dreamed of swimming in, and the beach seemed very deserted for such a beautiful day.
Now, Gwen... You jumped off a cliff last night, and now you are here. I shook my head once more and rose to my feat only to notice that I had no clothes on. I yelped and collapsed to the ground. I looked around desperately for something to cover myself with, but with no luck.
I remembered that my hair was very long and I twined it around my body.
This will do for now, but what will my parents think of when I get home?
I stood up and began to make my way across the beach. Everything was unfamiliar and I didn't recognize anything. No giant cliffs or mountains, just miles and miles of beach. I sighed and continued to walk, soon after I had taken a few steps the boys voice called from behind me.
"Now now, where are you going?" He asked.
"Home!" I yelled back at him, my voice sounded cracked and little compared to his beautiful song.
"But you cant." He said simply.
I spun around, to come face to face with him, "What makes you so sure of that!"
"Your not on the same beach"
"Okay mister, then where am I!" I demanded
"Well its a long story, it will take a while to explain. Let me get you back to the village and we can talk there"
"How can I trust you" I glared at him for a second, his eyes gazed into mine and he had no expression on his beautiful face, "fine, but it better be good."
He nodded, his expression not changing "Are you okay to walk? Its far"
"Yes I am fine" I snorted and began to stalk onwards.
"Its the other way" He corrected me.
I flushed bright red and turned to face him, "You lead then."
He took my hand in his iron grip and led me forwards at an extremely fast pace.
He seemed relaxed and rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. I stumbled along after him trying not to fall over.
"Do you think we could slow down a bit?" I complained
"We will never make it in time if we do"
"On time? For what?" I questioned
"Your awakening"
"What's that?"
"You'll see. Now hurry up" He growled
"I can't or I will fall over!" I exclaimed
"I asked you..." He sighed.
"I know, but I didn't know we would we would be walking this fast" I wined
"Fine, follow me... But do you promise not to freak out?" He turned and looked me straight in the eye.
"Okay... But do you have my dress?" I grumbled
Without a word he handed me the dress and jogged a few feet away from me.
I pulled my torn dress over my head and began to follow him.
"No, stay back" He warned me.
I stopped in my tracks and stumbled backwards.
He feel forwards onto his hands and shook his head let out a snort. He stomped his feet and small hares began to explode from his body. His neck began to lengthen and his nose grew out. His legs began to slim and grow longer.
My eyes widened and I took a weary step back.
His ears grew and placed themselves on the very top of his head, a long tail sprouted from his bottom and he rose onto his hind legs letting a loud whinny explode from his snout.
He shook his white main, and began to trot towards me.
My mouth fell open, "Your a horse" I gawked.
He came to a stop before me and snorted. I took a deep breath in and reached out to pet his snout. He was white with a blue tinted mane (mostly white) and pitch black eyes.
"What's your name?" I asked
He blinked and butted me gently with his head.
"Oh, sorry... I guess you can't speak"
He nodded and motioned for me to get onto his back, I hesitated, "What about your dagger and you belt?" I asked.
He turned pawed the air with one hoof.
"Do you want me to get it for you?"
He dipped his head, and I dashed over to the items. I strapped the belt around my waste and turned back to him.
He trotted towards me and I jumped onto his back. He turned his head to me and pushed me down so that I was almost lying on his back.
Then he began to trot forwards, slowly picking his pace to a canter and then to a gallop. The sea shore sped by us as the bright yellow sun slowly drifted towards the water.
"My name is Gwenevire" I said.
He snorted in greeting and I petted his sweating neck, "Oh my, your very hot. Maybe you should take a break. Go for a little swim?" I suggested.
He shook and turned towards the water, "What? Can I get-" We where already splashing through the icy cold water. I clung to his main and struggled to breath.
"Hey! Stop!" I yelped, taking in a giant mouth full of water. I began to cough and I let go of his main, the water flung me off his back and I fell into the water.
This was it, it was happening all over again. I was drowning. I closed my eyes and let my body relax It would have been like this either way I felt the waves begin to tug my away, but then I felt his grip pull me away and closer to the air. I smiled He is saving me...He actually cared about me I let myself release.
......
I awoke to the warmth of a fire and the repetitive snorts coming from bellow. I opened my eyes, and lifted my heavy head to look around. The sun had gone down long ago and had been replaced with the moon and stars. The sand still seemed very red and it was almost pitch dark. I looked down, and noticed that he was still a horse and sweating a lot. It wasn't a fire that was burning it was him. I sat up and he swivelled his ears back; sensing my movement he slowed to a stop and let my slid off of his back.
"You saved me..." I breathed, "Thank you"
He nodded and motioned to his belt. I let my hands fall to my waste and I took out his dagger. He nudged it, I turned it over; there where markings carved into the blade and handle, they seemed strangely familiar and I could read them it said 'Griffin The River Horse'
The blade shone an icy blue in the moonlight and the oak handle was curved to fit my palm.
"Your name is Griffin?" I asked
He snorted and nuzzled my shoulder, "Nice to meet you Griffin" I smiled before placing the dagger back in its sheathe and jumping onto his back.
He whinnied and sped onwards.
I closed my eyes and focused on the cool wind that sped past my face and the smooth pounding of his heart. I never expected this... Why am I not scared?
I sighed and pushed my face into his main.
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140,610 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
this is fabulous! usually people change into wolves or whatever, but i like this a lot. some good character development, especially when she was mad at him at first. *hurries off to read the rest*
Chapter Two!
Yay my mad critting spree. Lol.
Try a semicolon or hyphen after "over."
Glaring* and stinging* would help improve this sentence.
Comma instead of a period at the end of the dialogue, and make "the" lowercase.
Their* and pour*
Pale*
Waist*
This sentence needs a conjunction -- preferably prior to "before."
Should pe a period instead of a comma, and a period at the end of the dialogue.
Comma instead of a period at the end of the dialogue, and put "he" in lowercase.
Feet*
*Random grammar note* When you have speech tags following some dialogue, it's not a period. The speech tags are part of the sentence, so unless it's a question or exclamation, it's a comma and the pronoun following it is not capitalised.
You're plus a period at the end.
*Random note* Sweetheart, you need to check your grammar. There's many errors that I'm not pointing out to you because we'd be here ten years if I did.
Other than your grammar, my biggest complaint remains that you don't describe enough! Your writing is good enough (well, if you would work on your grammar), but you don't do anything with it! You need to add more description, more setting, more detail. Lengthen your story, flesh it out a bit. That's the key right now.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Firstly, I agree with everyone else who has reviewed. I might restate things, but I'm just telling you my opinion.
Overall, I think I like it. It's a little random at times, but I assume this will all be explained later on.
I feel like the characters' reactions could be a little more realistic, I mean who (no matter how cool their personality is) would be serene upon realizing that she had just jumped of a stormy cliff, woke up on a post-card-perfect beach, her hair is too long and she doesn't have any clothes?!
Like the previous chapter, you need more sensual description. Shat does the beach smell like? How about the fine/rough sand against her bare back? Play with it.
There are a LOT of spelling/punctuation mistakes that detract from the actual writing. As a spelling example, you say "waste" a lot rather than "waist" For a punctuation example, all dialogue needs punctuation before the end quotes. For example, rather than "Hello, my name is Bartholomew" he said. it should be "Hello, my name is Bartholomew," he said. or rather than the comma you could put a period--or exclamation point--or an ellipses. Here are all the places you forgot it:
Now the nitpicks... (brace yourself!)
Should be "I hurt all over. Every time I swallowed, it felt like someone had stuffed a handful of sand down my throat." I made two little changes; changing the comma to a period and adding a comma after "swallowed"
Too many "and"s! Try making the last one "or"
Should be: '"Calm down! Here, drink this." The same voice sang.'
Four things: #1>>repetition of "began"
#2>>try do DESCRIBE the fact that her throat began to feel better, and the itching urge to cough began to fade. Also, is the water cold or warm? SHOW us how it trickled into her throat, easing the dry soreness.
#3>> The third sentence should have a comma after 'down'
#4>> The last sentence should have a comma after 'there' and another after 'me'
Comma after "then" and also, "feeling" should be "felt"
Didn't seem to? Either it did or it didn't. Saying "didn't seem to" can work in 3rd person, but not 1st.
Yes, I agree with Squallz that you really need to SHOW her nudity. Also, "feat" should be "feet"
Break this up into two sentences with a period rather than a comma... then a comma after "steps"
Should be "can't"
This is a question. Use a question mark or an interabang (?!).
Should be "fell"
I think you mean "wary".
Too many "and"s! Try: "I closed my eyes, focusing on the cool wind that sped past my face and the smooth pounding of his heart."
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PM me when you post more!
Hope this helps.
~Azila~
Okay. Well, sorry to say, but this has A LOT of grammar problems. I won't point them out, but they're just little mistakes; you'll catch them if you read over it.
Grammar aside, this was good. Some things are awkward, like Gwen's hair. How much did it grow? And why doesn't she react more? Your dialogue gets more realistic in chapter 2, but you tend to lapse into modern day speech. For example, Griffin says, "freak out." Unless Gwen happened to fall into 21st century America, you should replace this with something that fits the context.
I think it sounds forced when Griffin says, "It's a long story, I'll tell you as we walk." I'm not sure how to fix this...but it just...I don't know...seems forced. Sorry for being so vague.
Alright, that's it. Good job! And lovely picture, by the way. Where did you get it?
Woah Squallz, leave some fun for the rest of us
I won't dwell on grammar, I;m not really the person for it plus it has been more or less covered.
Overall, I generally liked this. It was better than the first, and I like the name. Partly because I like the Beatles
The story has advanced quite a bit from what I remember, but I agree Squallz, she wouldn't have passed out if it weren't for the weirdo who supposeduly saved your MC. Try to encorprate that, make a little joke out of it!
Keep writing!
~D'Aedomir~
Round 2,
Waist. There should be a comma after "waist".
Sung? For a guy? And is sung appropriate for the situation at hand?
Comma after "down".
Pale.
His eyes were an oaky brown, resembling mines. He wore no shirt and a pair of ripped brown shorts. Around his waist was a long dagger, hung from a belt along with a small pouch.
I also disliked as to how you dumped the image of the guy on us. This can be shown, not told through us through an info dump like that. And is oaky a word? It was hightlighted as red when I ran a spell check through.
Your main character must be very hungry, or her mother hadn't told her to not trust strangers.
Dove? Do you mean dived?
Comma after "then".
The informality would work in dialogue, but if you use it like that, then it feels as though you don't have much to say about "sitting on the beach".
This thought bubble is redundant. It is more of an info dump than showing.
Show, don't tell. Her nudity could had been shown to make it more powerful. E.g: The ocean breeze brushing against her breasts or something like that to show her nudity.
Irrelevant, as it has nothing to do with the problem at hand, and you are pretty much stating the inevitable.
The dialogue could use some work. It is rather linear and isn't that well thought out.
That's rather sudden...
"were".
Your joking me... If it wasn't for that dummy, then your main character wouldn't have fainted. The boy's more harm than good.
Overall impressions:
What I've said in the previous chapter can also be applied here. The ideas in this piece are so vague and random. For example: What was the relevance of the main character being stripped naked? What does it mean? I felt as though it was just randomly chucked in just for sex appeal. Don't get me started on the transformation...it was so under developed and random that I pretty much consider it desu ex machina....
Again, your characters need fleshing out. I still know little about the main character and even less about the boy. I mean why would the boy help the girl? What were the guy''s feelings and thoughts? I won't go into further specific details into the lack of character development of the characters. Let's just say that they are flat as at the moment. This is further proven by the rather linear dialogue that was used in this piece.
Andy.