Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
My father was an inglorious drunk. My mother was a saint who couldn't stand up for herself. And I was their bastard child. My father blamed me everyday for the way his life turned out. My mother was only seventeen when she became pregnant with me, coming from the most prestigious of families, my birth would be quite the scandal, so they married. None the less, my father tried to rid himself of me, he held a knife to my mum's prominent baby bump. The only thing stopping him was her petrified screams. Some days, I wish he had done it, but in my heart, I know if he had.. My mum wouldn't have survived either. She was the one light in this pit of darkness that some call life. No doubt, she would have married a great man and had a wonderful life, had it not been for me. I see the pain in her eyes and wish I could escape from here and take her with me. It's not like I haven't tried.. Every time, he finds me. He drags me back and beats me. The first time he hit me was when I was only five years old. He was drunk, as usual, I had asked if I could go outside and play, like the other kids. He lashed out, grabbed the nearest bottle and smashed it against my skull. We couldn't go to the hospital, that would cause scandal and bring even more shame upon my father's "good name." Of course, to the world, he was a good man from a good, rich family. When my father met my mother, he was guest of honor at Convention Hall's yearly gala, my mother was a simple servant. But social status doesn't matter when it comes to physical attraction. We all know that one night is all it takes.
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well, we have ourselves a bit of an introduction so...well, usually I'd say this is a pretty big paragraph that could benefit from being broken down into a few smaller parts but I think surprisingly enough this one manages to get a decent point across clearly despite being quite a big paragraph. Its one of the few situations where I think the overall story here would be just fine even this way or as paragraphs, but paragraphs would of course make this a bit easier to read here.
Anyway, moving right past all the talk of paragraphs...we've got a pretty interesting premise being laid down here. It definitely appears to be quite a toxic environment to grow up in there...and just not a very good environment in general. You definitely see the protagonist's need to try and escape with their mother despite the numerous beatings and continuous failures.
At any rate, this certainly establishes the premise quite well here. I definitely would want to read on from this point and try and found out what happens next here, as an introduction, this manages to do its job quite well here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello there!
Comma splice.
That's all one word.
Cause a scandal*
Okay, so a nice start. I do think you should a) break this up into small paragraphs versus having one huge one and b) consider adding in more. You gave us a nice bit of backstory, now why not take us to the present day situation? What is the narrator currently up to? What's more is what's her name? I want to know her name so I can start building a connection with her.
Your biggest issue would be comma splices. Read this, learn what they are and how to avoid them, then edit your story and fix them.
But other than that, you're off to a good start. I feel this might be a bit cliche, with the father hating the child and the mother wishing she could escape, but as long as you put your own twist on this, it should be good nonetheless. I look forward to seeing what happens next so do let me know when chapter one comes out. ^^
Hope this helps.
~Iggy
Very intense, very realistic, and captivated me. We hear about physical abuse everyday and this story makes me wonder if things will ever get better for this kid. I want to know more. Very good, please continue with this.
Hey!
Interesting story... It is funny how you made it 16+ and it says her you're only 14.
Unfortunately I think there really are families like this, and what is interesting, you never know which is like it, most of them are covered by their wealth and good families.
I heard about stories where Parents abuse their children but this is something else. You really showed me the sadness of the kid. I really don't want to be in his place.
Keep up the good work!