I know that our selection here is tight,
But know that I am far from your White Knight.
We both agree that I can't do the deed,
And little Ben would hate to be my seed!
You'd go through pain that you'll have never earned
As victim of the monster I've been turned.
I'd hate to leave you seeing Black and blue,
But madness is what's set to Plague me too.
I know not when my self-control will fall,
But I would rather you'd not see it all.
I hope you're never on my list to kill,
For yours will never change the bloods I've spilled.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey! I figured that you could use a review. I love the way you wrote this! Such feeling! I just have a few questions and suggestions.
Also, who is "Little Ben"?
Suggestions. There is only two. One, you should make it longer! Stick it out. if the last part is terrible, cut it out. But longer is better. Two, I would like it better if at the end you changed "the bloods I've spilled". It doesn't flow well. Maybe try "the blood I've spilt". Maybe that doesn't make sense to you, but to me it does.
First of all, in the middle you capitalized "Black" and "Plague". If these are names, then I did not catch them. I didn't see a reason to capitalize them. Plague would have been okay if you had mentioned a specific type of plague. The Black Plague, for instance. But this is only one of many plagues so it shouldn't be capitalized. Black is wrong for the same reasons, pretty much. White Knight is debatable so you'll have to make that call
Now for the fun part
Have fun trying to make it better! I really did like it. You wrote it well. My policy is "It can always be better". Don't take it hard, please. Good luck.
~Rachelle
Hi, Donizback here!
Shall I go for a review? Well, let's try!
The first thing I LOVED about your poem/script was the rhyming. It just sounded natural and I am pretty sure you didn't have to force yourself to make them. Overall, a good message and a really nice script.
I would have loved it if it was a little longer. But that's what I think and... nobody cares what I think. lol
And also, the ending could have been better too. I just couldn't understand it a bit. But again, this is what I think and sometimes I don't really understand many obvious things.
Anyway, a good piece of work. I really hope to read your other pieces of works too. See you next time around. Cheers!