She stood in a cage crammed with giant black rabbits that made her look like a dwarf in comparison. Flo, looked around and saw that the rabbits were anorexic and sickly. The air choked her lungs with the stench of urine and droppings. '' Where am I ? '' she asked. Probably the rabbits would know, she thought. She walked up-to one of the giant rabbits that was on her left, waved and cried "Hello! Hello!'' at the top of her voice. It turned to look in her direction. Flo, smiled and wondered "Can it understand me? Can it speak? If so, what is this place? ''. The rabbit's green beady eyes twinkled. It then raised its nose up into the air and shrieked furiously. Something wasn't right, Flo began to walk backwards and before she knew it, the rabbit attacked her. She made a run for it but all of a sudden the other rabbits began to attack her too. Soon she was cornered and as they all lunged at her, she yelled ''Nooooo!!!''.
That was when she felt a sharp pain at the back of her head. Flo grunted in pain, opened her eyes and found that she was in her bed. ''Not again'' she thought. The rabbits were just part of her dream, one that had been recurring for about a month now. Together with it came the dreaded migraine she hoped would stop tormenting her. The dreams were far more bearable than waking up every morning to a demonic migraine. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was only 4 a.m. Flo reached out for the pillbox on her nightstand and downed a pill of Imitrex with a glass of water. She got back under the blanket and tried to get back to sleep while her head throbbed.
To be continued.
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First a few technical things:
Flo, looked around and saw that the rabbits were anorexic and sickly.
No need for the comma as previously mentioned.
The air choked her lungs with the stench of urine and droppings.'' Where am I ? ''she asked.
Quotation around the "Where am I?" is backward and there is an extra space.
Probably the rabbits would know, she thought.
Maybe rephrase this to Maybe the rabbits would know or Probably one of the rabbits...
She walked up-to one of the giant rabbits that was on her left, waved and cried "Hello! Hello!''at the top of her voice.
No need to hypenate up-to.
It turned to look in her direction. Flo, smiled and wondered "Can it understand me? Can it speak?If so, what is this place?''.
Space between the ? and If. I dont think the perios at the end is needed.
Something wasn't right, Flo began to walk backwards and before she knew it, the rabbit attacked her.
Hmmmm...what was her first indication? Haha.
She made a run for it but all of a sudden the other rabbits began to attack her too. Soon she was cornered and as they all lunged at her, she yelled''Nooooo!!!''.
I think this all happens and escalates just a little too quickly. Maybe take your time, throw in a few details.
''Not again''she thought.
Space issue between " and she. Also maybe add in an exclamation mark, as in "Not again!"
If you choose to leave it then it should read "Not again," she thought.
The rabbits were just part of her dream, one that had been recurring for about a month now. Together with it came the dreaded migraine she hoped would stop tormenting her. The dreams were far more bearable than waking up every morning to a demonic migraine.
Uggg, migraine and demonic are synonyms. Well, should be. Ha. I'd try shuffling around these words a little so that they flow a little better.
Overall this has potential, maybe insert more details and give the reader a better sense of what is going on, keeping them guessing is good, but putting in more detail is what this needs at this point. Keep up your good work, this is definately a story plot I've never heard before and it's good that you can keep away from the cliche.
Thank you! This was very helpful. I'll work on the details and correct the mistakes.
Boom, it's Magma!
I think that this is a pretty good piece of story, but there are a few problems. The first is: she sees a pack of giant, sick black rabbits and her first reaction is to speak to it and ask it if it can talk? To fix this, maybe you could give some information about her, and why she talks to demonic bunnies, or maybe she has some sort of memory of the cage and thinks that the rabbits might have spoken. Just a few ideas.
Next, the first time the text says "Flo", there is a comma after her name. This may be a typo, but it drove me mad. Now I'm seeing giant black rabbits every time I try to sleep (Just kidding, it's not that bad, just a bit annoying).
There are a few other things like missing spaces and stuff, but I'll put that down to typographical error.
Apart from that, it's a really good story, and I can't wait for the next bit.
-Mags =)
Thank you for your comment. I posted this in a hurry as I am at work now. Will edit it soon. =)