Morning came, and with it, school. So, I left home for a half-a-mile walk till school with a super-heavy bag on my shoulder. This is a half hour walk and I've got nothing to do but to think for myself. As expected of a teenage boy, my thoughts wandered to girls and with it the self-despise of "I'm 14 year old already and I didn't have a single girlfriend until now, and not because I don't want to, but because I don't have the guts to tell a girl that I like her. I hate myself…"
This thought is a one that I always have when I start thinking and with it comes the realization that the only comfort I have is my study. What a nerd I am. I hate myself.
I finally reached school and entered my class. I look at my lesson schedule and see math. Great, two hours of boredom, but at least no one asks me stupid questions.
The alarm goes on again and we need to get to the secure room (This school is so old that I think that it will come apart just from the sound of the blast). As I walk toward the secure room I spot the rocket, and its heading towards us. Particularly, it looks like it's locked on a specific target, which is weird, because the rocket is merely a tube with gunpowder. The target was a girl that studies with me, and she looked frozen, paralyzed out of fear. With no other option coming to my mind, I dashed forward and tackled the rocket in mid-air, trapping the blast and the fragment between me and the ground.
Somehow, I survived; I remember fragments of me yelling at medics through the phone to come and take me to a hospital (I have no idea how I did that, I just remember I did), I remember the doctor saying that I don't have many chances to live but I don't care. If I die, I die in honor, with pride, that I did something important, and that I'm more than just a nerd.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,613 Literary Works • 672,625 Reviews
Hey again
Alright, so for this new chapter I'm even more confused. I see from your comment that this takes place in Israel, but I really couldn't have guessed that myself. The main focus on this chapter was the character's teenage attitude, and we hear him talk about girls and how bored he is with schooling, frustrated that this is all his life is. There's nothing wrong with this, it lets us know who this guy is, but you can't just throw a missile in moments after and expect us to just follow along and go with it. Isn't anyone surprised about this? Wasn't your main character fearful as well? You only talk about the girl's fear. You don't even mention that the poor guy was in incredible amounts of pain, and I bet he was. So there seems to be just enough description left out so that it doesn't make sense.
If you want my opinion, I think you should start this over, from the beginning. You obviously have a great story. You know what you're talking about. You've lived this stuff for the past couple of years, heck, most of your life.
So, go back to the beginning, and explain to us how this all got started. What changes took place in your country. How the people around you changed. The sacrifices you had to make. That can work as a prologue. Then, you can take us forward in time a couple of years and get on with the story you originally planned. To me, all this story really needed was a solid beginning.
I hope this review made sense! Let me know if you have any questions at all, PM's or wall posts both work for me
Good luck!
thanks for the reviews. I'll try to do better with the next chapters.
about the confusion with the situation, well, the story is based on the situation in Israel, where I live, maybe you heard but the situation here sucks. Arabs in Gaza shoot rockets on us for the past eight (or maybe nine) years. As I live here and as the writer of the story, I don't see any missing pieces or confusing parts, so thank you for pointing this out.
Hello again, Grim.
Wow, okay. This was intense, but also very short. Like I said in my review on chapter 1, this should be expanded. It's short. And I don't see any mistakes, so it's all good on that front. But seriously. You don't explain much, do you? You mention homemade rockets and school and alarms....but nothing about the world or what's going on or how it ended up this way. Was it war or what? Please explain. I'm also a little confused. I think the best thing you could do to clear up that confusion is to expand the chapter. It tells very little about the character and his world. I also think you can slow it down a little. It seems a bit fast.
Overall, despite all the questions and missing jigsaw pieces and the missing setting (Honestly, where in the world is he?), I quite like it. I'd still like to know just what the heck is going on, though. But I guess we'll all find out, huh? I hope this helps. Thank you very much for the wonderful snippet of story. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!
~Scar.
I liked it! Your character seemed real and alive. I could relate to him! Keep up the good work