Hey, I saw ch2 of this in the GR and wanted to do an After Watch review but there's considerably less urgency than when you're trying to do the clearout itself so I figure I can afford to read and review this chapter first.
Nit-picks and nice moments:
My mum told me it was probably do to with something that
Although tbh I'd write it as "probably something to do with" but either of the ways I've suggested would be correct.
Wearily, I grabbed my food from the microwave
One thing I almost always mention when people start with their characters describing themselves is that it feels too abstract. However, congrats on starting it with a concrete event!
heading to bed. Heading towards
Repetition of "heading" jolts slightly.
I headed up to my attic room
And again
which I shared with my two year old son
That was an interesting surprise, but just wanted to check you wanted it to be a shock. (was picturing the character as a little kid before that).
Thank god, Mum had put him to bed and it seemsed like he’s been sleeping since then
was working all to support him
all what? hours?
I made my way to his crib> The
Random greater than symbol instead of a full stop xD
The shadow was in fact a young womean
This sounds kind of nonchalant for what should be a really high suspense moment.
If this is some sick joke on the town’s orphan and single sixteen year old mother, you need to learn to go elsewhere.
This seems like kind of odd information to add it, which makes it feel like you're shoehorning it a bit.
her head to the side as if she was confused.
I'd really like more description of her appearance. Is she literally just a shadow? If so what does she look like when she's talking? Does a gap in the shadow open up?
I glared at her pissed off.
It seems really odd that she's pissed off rather than terrified.
“So what. Even if I was from the past or the future, it was probably to save my life, if it’s even real!”
I definitely need more description here. Even if she acts brave, I need some internal narration of her fear. It seems extremely unlikely that she wouldn't be scared. There is a shadow talking to her.
The grey in her eyes
This is the kind of thing I mean. I'm unsure how a shadow has eyes.
You don't need the speech marks for her thoughts since it's already in italics. But also, you're relating her thoughts already, so I'm not sure you need extra formatting.
It seems like she would be able to guess that her life was about to change, since a shadow just came alive and teleported her somewhere
Overall:
Character: I like how your main chracter seems to be quite strong and tough, but I don't think that would result in her not being scared of this super freaky supernatural phenomenon. It'd be totally fine for her to swallow her fear, stop herself shaking - she has her child to protect after all. It makes sense for that to be her numer one priority above her own safety, but we need this spoken about at least a little, otherwise it feels like this isn't an unusual occurrence, which takes away from the drama of it.
Setting: I would like a lot more about the room. Describing the darkness could really add to the tension.
Plot: Despite what I said in character, I see how this can be an extremely thrilling plot-line. If you make the changes I've suggested, you'll be able to reap the benefits of that better. I think your final line is a little generic, maybe something specific to her situation about how it's going to change her life.
Hope this helps and see you at the green room chapter,
Biscuits
I would have liked more of a hook than that.
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