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Please Change

by GreenTulip


I think all we do anymore

Is fight over little things.

It always is my fault,

But I only bring up the truth.

*

I swear that you

Have double standards,

When it comes to me

But if I point it out you get upset.

*

You may work two jobs,

Yet I also do that too.

I come home and help clean,

While you sit on the couch and be lazy.

*

Maybe our flights would go away,

If you simply made an effort to help.

Our friend and I shouldn't be

The only ones cleaning in this house.

*

Look at the strain you are putting on me.

It's from you not caring,

And honestly I'm about to give up.

Learn to do things yourself before we stop.

*

Sorry for the format, I'm on my phone!


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117 Reviews


Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

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Sun Nov 06, 2016 4:40 am
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Astronomer wrote a review...



Hello there, GreenTulip!
This is Moonwatcher here for a review! ^-^

I'm going to start off by saying that I don't really agree with the last review. The last reviewer mentioned adding rhyme to improve the flow, and you don't have to do this. I actually advise not to, because in most poems I feel as if rhyme gets in the way of the poem. My reasoning being because although every word has a rhyme, but that rhyme may not be the word that you're looking for, which could get in the way of things. However, I'm not going to cover much of that, because you don't have rhyme in your poem as of now.

I'm not very sure about whether or not this poem is directed toward a specific person, or society as a whole. I picked up that it might just be about hoping that someone would change their perspective about something, although this could be about just changing someone. This is an interesting take, considering that something people tend to say is "people never change" or "never try to change someone".

I swear that you

Have double standards,

When it comes to me

But if I point it out you get upset.


The punctuation here is weird. I'm not sure if the third line here should be the beginning of a new sentence, or the end. I think it could be the end, but if the whole stanza is one sentence then I think it should all have a comma at the end except the last line (being that "But" is a conjunction).

I don't think there's anything really wrong with the format. It could just be that you're on mobile and so it looks a little bit more odd/different to you.

I think that if you incorporate the use of imagery, you could make the poem a lot stronger. Imagery helps convey stronger emotions/feelings and can turn bland and boring phrases into something with a lot more meaning, which I feel that the poem lacks.

That's all I have to say about this poem. I hope this review helped you out, and have an amazing day! ^-^




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48 Reviews


Points: 1863
Reviews: 48

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Sat Nov 05, 2016 6:21 pm
Rosy234 wrote a review...



Hi, here with a review. Firstly, the title grabbed my attention and I really liked reading your poem. I liked how you have structured your poem. A way to improve this is to add a rhyme scheme, to make the poem flow. Even if you didn't I really like the way it was and the message behind this. Overall, I really liked your poems and keep writing!

~Rosy234




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Points: 1312
Reviews: 38

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Fri Nov 04, 2016 10:53 pm
nishthabawa2896 wrote a review...



hey

I love the things in the poem and keep writing.





But what about second breakfast?
— Peregrin Took