Hello! C: I'd love to give you a review! ^_^
You've certainly got me thinking about about things and my mind if full of questions and so I think that's good in the beginning of a novel like this! Like, I'm wondering what is this job that that guy is talking about, and what he's getting trained for and why he's backing out, and I'm wondering if he ever wanted the job, or if he just has some ability that sort of carves out his life's path (which is kind of a scary thought to me, actually). I have just jumped into this, so there might be a few things that I don't understand but I'll try to comment on other things.
Steam seemed to raise off the of his head. His blonde hair was plastered to his head, the strands giving him nearly a feminine look.
This first line I found was kind of confusing and vague. The bolded words really make it seem like the character isn't even sure if what they're saying is true or not, and when the character is our eyes we need them to be sure of what they're telling us to an extent, or we might just decide not to listen to them, you know?
“But I am always willing to stay, just in case he does something,”
Some of your dialogue feels almost info-dumpy. Well, I don't know. In a sense I feel like this bit of dialogue is too open and the character spells too much out. In real life, sometimes people don't say everything that they mean, sometimes they say it in another way, by disguising it as something else. This article: Linguistics and Dialogue, Intro explains this very well and it's very entertaining from what I remember, as well! ^_^
Jayden eyed his tutor with distasteful hatred.
His name seems to only get mentioned half-way into the piece, and I find this a bit odd because he's mentioned plenty enough. Don't be afraid to use his name a little more! Variety is good but not without a... foundation..? Something like that.
One last thing. I feel like I don't really have a feel for your characters- well I do (not the MC though), but they seem to be sliding into a almost cliche niche of what characters or people would act like in those situations. Like the tutor and the pupil. The tutor falls into an almost bad-guy role (like most evil scientists or something), and the pupil falls into more of a rebellious teenager type- only more of a "going to do something stupid because he's terrified" type. It's hard to explain, but just remember that not all bad guys are bad, and not all good guys are good- AKA they all have a piece of everything in them.
Other than that, I think you've got a good start! Keep it up!!! ^_^ I hope my rambling was somewhat useful.
-Socks
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Reviews: 494
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