I believe that Robert Frost’s poem, “Fire and Ice” fits the world I live in pretty well. A small poem, to fitting, too much for my liking.
“Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.”
My name is Kai, and this is the story of my struggle with the world that is half-fire and half-ice. I am sixteen years of age. I had a single brother- Hunter- and a single sister- Hickory. Hunter and Hickory were twins, and they were five years my elders. But now, they are dead- innocent victims of this sad desolate planet. My parents, dead for the past ten years. But let me tell you what this stupid life is about.
What would you do if you had to choose between Ice or Fire?
I am a weird child in this world, but again so were the twins. We are children of a fiery father and an icy mother. The two of them were never supposed to be together. Fire hated Ice. Ice hated Fire. Simple as that. But my parents broke that model of hatred, by getting together. Our house is in the strip of barren land that wraps all away around the globe, to prevent the two opposites from meeting.
My life is simple. survive. many of the “Fire Nation” and many of the “Ice Nation” male citizens, the highest of all of the soldiers of their lands. I was constantly on the run with fear for my life. No matter how hard I ran, I was always found, but I could always wiggle my way out of any circumstance. A single weapon of choice was how I got out of every one of these situations. My own power- complete control over fire and ice. Not that I am bragging, but I don’t have full power over it. I’ve only had it a few months. But that is beside the point.
****************
It was another regular day in my boring hunted life. I was walking along the barren land, seeing all shades of browns as I did so. My bare feet hit the earth causing brown dust to cover my tanned skin. I didn’t even try to shake it off, as I knew it would just cover my skin once more. It was as I rounded a tree when I first saw him. A lone figure standing his back turned away from me. The arm held up to shield his eyes from the brightness of the sun as his head turned back and forth. Searching. Searching for me maybe? But they usually send three or four.
I gave a clearing of the throat. “Who are you?” I called, crossing my arms.
He jumped, clearly startled. “I am Tallon. A member of the Ice Nation. An outsider of my own kind. I come here often to release my negative thoughts, I guess. I hate being around my brethren.”
“Why come into my land? There is no use for you here. You don’t belong!” I said firing off to him in a hot puff of breath.
“This land is not just yours. You can not just call it your land. This belongs to the world itself. You just walk, plant, and live off this land. You would have a place to call your own, if you were not as strange as my people say,” Tallon had said.
“Does it look like I care?” I asked him.
“Well.....no not really,” he replied as he shoved his hands into his pockets.
“Then don’t act so high and mighty then. I don’t care for your home nor will I care for a “Fire” head’s home. I prefer my home. If you think you don’t belong, believe me when I say that I don’t belong anywhere...”
“Don't’ give me an attitude,” he said with a slight growl.
I just glared at him, crossing my arms. He hissed under his breath as he slammed me against the tree.
“Don’t you dare give me an attitude,” he snapped at me, his eyes burning with masked emotion.
I struggled under his strong grip. “Let me go,” I hissed to him.
His fingers dug into both of my shoulders, keeping me there.
He stared down at me and said, “Just come with me. Don’t leave yourself here.”
“I don’t want to leave my home. If you don’t are so concerned about me, leave your own home,” I said as I peered up at him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey GreenTulip! Coming at you with a review!
First off, let's talk about imagery. There isn't much in this chapter. For example, you use an emoticon instead of actually describing the look on the narrator's face:
It comes across as lazy, not to mention that it doesn't fit the theme of the story. This is a short story, not a text-based conversation, so I recommend removing the emoticon. Instead, try describing how annoyed the narrator is. I also noticed that you described the setting as brown and then proceeded to say that brown dust landed on their arm.
There's really no need to say that the dust is brown. We already assume it is because you said everything around the narrator was brown. Also, this is another example of missing imagery. This does nothing for my mind's eye. All I see is a glob of brown and dust. I want you to show me, not tell me. Use your words, get more descriptive. It's better to be too verbose than too vague. We want to see what you see, but we can't if you don't show us.
Another example is the beginning of the chapter, when you basically summarize what's happening for us. That's called an info-dump and it's jarring to see that right from the start, because it reads more like a plot summary than the beginning of a story. I know you're trying to let the reader know what to expect, but you should gradually be introducing us to all the history and background of the main character, not dumping it all on us at once. It helps you spread your story so you don't run out of things to write about, it gives the reader time to process the information, and it just flows better.
Next, let's move on to the very.. odd encounter between Kai and this Tallon. They are immediately thrust into a squabble and they just barely met. Understandably, you can dislike someone right from the start, but at least you get a generic introduction and conversation started before you begin to realize the other person is annoying you. Not with these two, it seems, and that's odd, to be honest. Don't immediately take a male and female duo, have them immediately hate each other, and thrust them at the reader. Because we all know where this is going. This is most likely going to be a love-hate relationship and we are already bored of it because it wasn't gradually built up, but rather shoved upon us. If you're going to go with this route, then at least take it slow. I mean, fighting? Already? It's just all too much. You aren't taking it slow and you need to. It would make sense to have them fight if one snuck up on the other, but with the way this started, having them go from introductions to physically fighting is a bit unrealistic.
Finally, I want to address the ending. It was abrupt and rather off-putting. Why did you end it so oddly? It feels like the conversation was suddenly interrupted, or like someone stopped you before you could finish the piece. I recommend adding some more content so the ending can transition to the next chapter in a smoother sequence.
Overall, it does need work, but you are off to a good start. I'm curious to see what the next chapter will contain. I hope this review helped!
~Iggy
Hey there GreenTulip
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review
So typically I do a pretty in depth overview after my nit-picks/Line-by-line but tonight I'm a little too drained. That said, if you want I can always send them to you over pm or I can put them in a later part to this story just ask and or tell me which one you'd want. I liked the idea and I though you left this on a nice little cliffhanger. Good luck and continue writing, I'm looking forward to reading more. I do hope that I didn't sound too harsh. Have questions feel free to ask.
Hello there its me hipstersquid making a lil review here.
First let me geek for a moment because ROBERT FROST IS MY FAVORITE!!!! I have all 11 of his books which I have read all more than I can recall so yessss thank you for that reference.
moving on...
Second this will definitely be a read I continue to follow. I like the story line so far it has a lot of potential just depends on where you take it. Please continue this. *puppy dog eyes* PLEASEEEEEE.
anyway....
Overall enjoyed this very much the fire and ice clashing is different story I do not believe I have read about so I am excited for this one!!