THE WOLFKIN
By a Giraffe
Chapter One
The Awakening
A young boy stumbled through the forest as a pack of werewolves ripped through the trees in quick pursuit. The boy saw a tree root infront of him, but it was too late, he tripped and turned over, deciding to face his death with dignity and bravery, like the heroes he read about. He saw werewolves closing in on him from the shadows, then the leader, the big one with huge claws and teeth pounced on him, wasting 12 years of careful nurturing and parenting with a single swipe.
“You should’ve been their son!” The chief’s voice boomed enthusiastically through the cabin “We tracked that kid for hours from his campsite, here I brought you some”. The 6-foot, 70 pound monster threw a small, pale arm down at his son. Falkron glanced at it and accidentally let out a small ‘eugh’ sound. A normal human wouldn’t have been able to hear it but he knew his fathers strong ears would pick it up easily. He prepared himself for the pain that was about to be felt and sure enough it came, he was smashed into the wall, almost collapsing the old wooden hut and was held there by his fathers lean, muscular arm. “Are you the hunter or the prey?” he yelled angrily as the residents of the nearby houses let out groans of exasperation, the same old argument, every hunt they thought. Falkron was not a full wolfe yet, so he didn’t have any chance of breaking loose from the iron grip, so he lay limp, and looked away from the foaming mouth and fierce rows of teeth. “Answer me!” the furry killing machine yelled in his sons face, splattering his son with spit and pieces of meat. Falkron remained silent as his father threw him to the ground, making him slide on the hard floor and crash into a wall. There was a loud noise outside, the chief ran outside to see what was happening. Falkron picked himself up and returned to his bedroom.
He examined his bruises, and his whole body in general, he had no fur, but claws that could be retracted or hidden with gloves. All his senses were better than humans’ were; he was also a lot stronger and more agile. He ran his fingers through his long brown hair, it wasn’t very long really, it didn’t cover his eyes or his ears. He wasn’t really bulky, but the way of life was tough so he developed lean muscle all over his body. The only thing that stopped him from having a normal way of life as a human was his blood-red eyes that had curious jagged pupils, which was unknown even among the wolfkin. “If only we transformed, then we could fit in with society” he mused quietly to himself.
Th loud noises outside were growing, and soon involved screams and battle-crys, he snuck out of the back door in time to see his father stumbling backwards with a dagger in his throat. He pulled it out and attempted to kill the one who had thrown it, despite the blood gushing out of his neck. All the Wolfkin seemed to be fighting shadows and gusts of wind and naturally, they were losing to their invisible assailants. Falkron turned to flee the battlefield that was once his village but he saw Vrykon, the elder of this tribe crawling toward him, he had a dagger in the back of his knee. “Falkron,” he said “Falkron you must escape, the vampyr have attacked us!” the Vampyr, ghostly beings that feed on the life essence of others. Falkron turned and ran, deep into the forest and he didn’t look back, even when a dagger flew into a tree in front him, colliding with the force of a truck and burying itself up to the hilt.
He ran and ran until he reached a mountain, he entered, knowing that he’d be unable to find a safer place nearby as he was walking through the tunnels, he saw a strange glow ahead of him, he also heard music and voices. It seemed to be a party, he snuck up closer and hid around a wall, unbeknownst to him, he had just effectively cornered himself and would now be seen by anyone who left the main cave. He realised this too late as a female party member stepped out of the crowd, Damn! He thought as she turned to face him, instead of screaming for help she said calmly “Here, why don’t you step out of the shadows”. Falkron was shocked, but strangely mesmerised by this girl’s voice, he stepped from the shadows and she saw his red eyes and jagged pupils. She beckoned for him to follow her, he did so, still in his trancelike mood. Even when she strapped him down on a table in front of everyone there, nobody seemed shocked or even slightly perturbed instead they all gained this look of strange expectance and pleasure in their eyes.
A large, ornamental knife was handed to the female, who now seemed to be the leader, she raised the knife high above her head, and while she was doing that, Falkron’s subconscious was racing, Leader, Chieftain, Father… Prey he thought back to his beating at his fathers’ hands, and when he did, something hidden deep inside him awoke. All of a sudden his, jagged pupils began to spin, like shurikans flying through the air, muscles bulged from his skinny arms, his claws grew to the size of daggers, he was taken over, possessed by this being of such rage that engulfed all his senses and blocked out everything, even pain… He broke free of his harnesses and jumped up on the table, letting out a fierce howl that resounded throughout the mountain and the forest, sending birds scattering into the sky. Now the people of the congregation were shocked, they began screaming and running wildly. This new Falkron stretched out his muscles and claws and then slashed across viciously at the one whom would’ve killed him but moments earlier. Blood spurted from her huge, open wounds as this killing machine jumped down and began massacring the congregation, claws slashed at chests, teeth ripping out throats left and right, people getting trampled to death by their friends and family. Blood, clothing, intestines and fur flying everywhere as the utter annihilation continued. By the time everyone had been killed. The now exhausted Monster collapsed back onto the bench he would’ve been killed on. He passed out as his pupils stopped spinning, his body returned to its normal self and he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
Hope you liked it!
because if you didn't
![]()
- Giraffe
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Thanks for all the input people, I'll work on my story =]
Your story was really good in my opinion. The only thing that you have to work on is breaking down the paragraphs. Um .. For example when you have people talking, leave a line inbetween.
EXAMPLE:
"Mom please believe me!"
"Honey, what your telling me doesnt add up. Why would your grandfather kill a young girl your age?"
"I dont know! But Im not seeing things! I know what I saw!"
GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FUTURE POSTS!
The beginning paragraphs a little, confused me on setting... But I really liked how you put in how he felt during when he was afraid or powerless in powerful situations. The only thing that I didn't like was how you didn't really explain his character and body features. Other thant hat, I loved it!
Did you write more? I'd like to read what happens.
~ Darien:)
Holy paragraphs, Batman...
The first thing I'd suggest you do is make those paragraphs shorter. It'll make your work much less intimidating to read through, and you'd get more reviews.
Kyllorac is spot on about the grammar. Because of that, I'm not going to go into extensive detail about your grammatical errors; there's a lot of them, but it didn't detract enough from the reading that I stopped. You need to fix them, though. I notice you seem incredibly attracted to commas, if the preponderance of them in this piece is any indication. Some of them can be removed. Turn those long sentences held together by strings of commas into a series of shorter ones. Or use semicolons, colons, and dashes. Variety in punctuation will liven up your prose.
The first thing I need to point out is your pacing. You suffer the problem of a lot of beginning writers in that your story moves much too quickly. I have no time to become invested in the character, no time to take in this world I've been introduced to, before all sorts of crazy crap begins to happen, and much of it for no reason. The why is the most important in fiction--if your characters keep doing things for no reason, then the story has no cause and effect. It's just random people doing random things for who-the-hell-knows-what, and the reader will quickly become bored. Why does Falkron go to the mountain? Why does he kill all the people at the party? Why is their even a party? Why are the Vampyr attacking?
Slow down a little. You've covered in one (very brief) chapter what should be spread across as least two. Show us one chapter that focuses on Falkron's daily life in the village, his father's hatred of him, etcetera. You started a little of that with the hunt that you began the story with, even though that hunt didn't make much sense and I was confused because I thought at first that the boy in the hunt was Falkron. Then, start the next chapter with the Vampyr attacking. Slowing down will give you a greater chance to develop your characters. Right now, I don't feel invested in a single character in this story; the only one given anything in the way of real motivations and thoughts is Falkron, and even then it's a fairly shallow reading into it. I want to know him more, I really do--I already symapthize with him a bit, but I can't empathize with him. The narrative voice is much too detached.
And as Kyllorac said, the gore isn't particularly gory. If you want to be gory, then go much more in detail. Though characterization-wise, that'd accomplish nothing because it would quickly destroy any sympathy I already have for Falkron.
The thing is, I very badly want to like this piece. It has an interesting twist on vampires and werewolves, it has a sympathetic main character, it has a father-son conflict. It sounds exactly like my cup of tea. But the pace is so distressingly fast, the main character so distant, his actions all so nonsensical, that I'm finding myself put off by it.
This really reads like you wrote it all in one fell swoop. It's a rough, rough, rough draft. Go back and revise it. Extend it. Go deeper with your descriptions. Show us your world. Dig deeper into Falkron's character, because you do have the seeds of an interesting main character in him (ignoring the random killing spree...). Make it come alive.
The best of luck in your endeavors, and PM me if you have questions, comments, or concerns, or if you want to yell at me for being harsh.
How does something boom enthusiastically? Also, you need to review punctuation conventions. Sentences usually end in periods. Sentences also have a subject and a verb. Finally, you put the punctuation inside the quotation marks.
When writing a story, you write out the numbers. 6 should be six. 70 should be seventy.
New paragraph. Also, abusive parent? Really?
Who is yelling? The chief or Falkron?
New paragraph. Basically, you start a new paragraph every time someone different does something. If you start out with a paragraph about Falkron, for instance, and then switch to what his father is doing, you start a new paragraph starting from the first action his father does.
A very contradictory description. Furry simply does not match up to the killer image as the word furry conjures up images of cute and cuddly animals.
Ew. Description infodump. Do we really need to know all that about his appearance right now? The eyes are important as is the lack of obvious wolf traits, but anything more is a bit overkill.
How does Falkron know what a truck is?
How do you enter a mountain? Mountains are typically solid rock, and you can't enter solid rock.
How does Falkron know what shurikans are?
You gloss over the carnage. Honestly, I'm a bit disappointed. I was looking forward to some gory description detailing... well, gore. Not vague generic stuff.
Overall: there were a lot of grammar errors. I am not going to point them all out since they almost all deal with basic punctuation. There are a number of excellent websites that cover basic punctuation (such as this one and this one) which I suggest you look at. Also, you need to be careful with the spelling. I caught a number of misspelled words which, if you look over your story again, you should be able to find yourself. One final thing, learn how to paragraph properly. It's difficult at first, but it makes it much easier to read. A good rule of thumb is that each paragraph has one main idea/action; another is that when you switch between characters, start a new paragraph.
Other: This was pretty pointless as far as plot goes. Also, it was nowhere near graphic enough to warrant an R rating; not enough gory details.
I think it's pretty cool, but I got a little confused at how he got on that slaughtering table so quick. Also you have put in the last paragraph two "which he would have been.." maybe for the second think of something else. Finally I think you need to prolong it a bit more.
Hope I spelt prolong right.
Guess Who.
Okay, first of all, this isn't a review just a single comment.
Make your paragraphs smaller, they're very intimidating. It makes things easier for both the reader and the writer.
Um, well, that was my comment. Have fun writing!