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by GreenArrow34

while walking on the streets a kid see a satanists tieing someone up. they say that they are going to sacrifice him for the gods. the main character throws a rock at them and beats them up, the main character threatens the leader and says that he will throw him in jail becase his uncle is the police commisioner. The leader talks with a demonic voice and grows in size and turns into a half human half demon hybrid. He stares him and says " What the hell are you!" when the main character passes out he finds himself in his room with a strange person standing in his room. The strange person says " My names Inias and your my vessel".

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78 Reviews

Points: 2659
Reviews: 78

Thu May 16, 2013 9:08 am
roxyask wrote a review...

Hi there, Roxy here :)

Ok, first off, always start off with a capital letter! The first few sentences don't do this and it looks quite sloppy.

Secondly, grammer and punctuation! "while walking on the streets a kid see a satanists tieing someone up", Its a poorly written sentence because you weren't paying attention to; grammer, spelling or sentence structure, so definatly pay attention to that and try and fix that up!
I'm a little confused as to what this is to be honest, is it an outline for a story scene, or what? You dont have names, instead you say "the main character" giving the idea that this is just an outline. And you also dont have enough descripton in this piece to make it a real story.

I think that you could make this into a good piece, but you have to look into your punctuation, grammer and spelling. Think about description, imagry, characters and the plot.

anyway, keep on writing!

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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Sun Mar 03, 2013 12:00 am
dogs wrote a review...

Hello there Arrow! Dogs here with your review. Okey dokey, if I may start with WELCOME TO YWS! My name is Tucker, and if you need anything, help, a review, some advice, anything! Let me know and I'd be happy to help you out. Anywho, on to ze review. Ok, so I think this is a good draft and plan for a piece of work. I would really love to see more from this. I do have a few quick notes:

Firstly, you need to crack down on some of your grammar issues. You have a few minor ones but it makes your writing a little difficult to read sometimes. Firstly, always capitalize the first letter in a new sentence. The first three sentence you have don't capitalize that first letter and it looks a little sloppy.

Secondly, when you use quotations, you have some small issues with the spacing. You say: " What the hell are you!" but what it should be is: "What the hell are you!" Also, always put punctuation inside the quotation marks instead of outside of it. Minor details that will really add to your writing.

My final note is that when I read this over it sounds like a summary of a story rather than the story itself. You say that "the main character throws a rock at them and beats them up." Firstly, you need to give the main character a name, unless his name is "Main Character." Secondly, describe this scene happening. I want to see the rock whizzing through the air as it crashes into the satanists. You need to set up the scene a bit more. Where are they? Why are they there? Why is that important? Describe the scenery and give us a context of where to place these events.

All and all a good start for something but missing a couple points. With some work this can be a masterpiece, I hope my comments were helpful! Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

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77 Reviews

Points: 2453
Reviews: 77

Sat Mar 02, 2013 11:38 pm
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Craz wrote a review...

Not to be mean, but this is just describing a plot. Not only are there errors, but the fact is that this isn't even close to a story. I would imagine this to be something someone would say to try to describe a book or a movie or something. If you want to write a story, you have to actually write it out. For example, who is the kid and why is he walking down the street? What do the characters look like? What are there expressions? And what made him pass out? Overall, this (whatever it is) is not something I would consider to expect anyone to give much credit. Only one part, where he grows, gave any description at all. Maybe its just not my type of a genre, but even the whole 'growing' thing was extremely cliche. You really need to work on your descriptions and writing.

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2058 Reviews

Points: 32885
Reviews: 2058

Sat Mar 02, 2013 11:33 pm
Emerson wrote a review...

Hi there!

This is an amazing idea for a story and I think you could do some awesome things with it! Is there more you have to post? Right now this looks more like an outline for a story, but I would love to see the whole first chapter. You could do a lot with imagery and dialogue.

Remember to read over and edit your own work, too - you missed a lot of capitalization and have some typos in places.

I think it'd be good if there was a reason the main character is the vessel of an angel - is he randomly chosen or is he very devout? In the TV series Supernatural a man is a devout follower of God and asks to be used for God's will - so he gets possessed by an angel. It could be something similar to that.

Good luck with your writing :) If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451